How do you help your spouse lose weight?

Yesterday I was talking about how to heat up your sex life, and I was hoping to run a post today on how to make HIM feel great in bed. But I had so many comments on older posts come in yesterday about problems with a spouse’s weight, and I thought I’d run this one first, because it seems to be a real stumbling block for so many when it comes to feeling attracted to your spouse.

So here’s Leanne Seel, a frequent blog reader, homeschool mom, and writer, who makes some amazing points here about the dynamics in a marriage when one spouse really needs to lose weight!

Here’s Leanne:

I’ve had a weight problem for most of my life.

Like most strugglers, I’ve gone up and down over the years. I can tell you the calorie count in most foods, have spent countless hours exercising, and I know about chocolate’s secret super-power of being able to call you from the pantry.

Sheila’s recent posts about weight here and here got me thinking about this lifelong struggle, its effects, and what a spouse can do that is actually helpful.

So, here are my top 10 ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue.

10 Ways to support a spouse who is trying to lose weight. #7 is SO important!
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1. Remember that it’s your spouse’s issue, not yours

Any change that your spouse is going to make has to come from within. You cannot force it or nag it into place. If you start taking too much ownership of your spouse’s body issues, not only is that unhealthy for you, it will actually make things worse for your spouse. They will feel like they are adding yet another burden on to you.

2. Remember Thumper

Thumper the rabbit wisely said:

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.

If you don’t have something encouraging to say to your spouse as they work on their weight problem, don’t say anything at all.

When was the last time you made a lasting change for yourself because of someone else nagging you? Making critical comments about your spouse’s appearance will not motivate them to change, and is actually more likely to cause destructive behaviours – either because your spouse is ashamed or because your comments are making them angry and they want to spite you. Either way, it’s not healthy for your spouse or your marriage. Keep your negative, critical thoughts to yourself.

Making comments about the bodies of other men/women and talking about how good they look compared to the person you’re married to is not going to motivate your spouse to change either. Definitely NOT helpful.

It’s also better to keep your mouth shut when you’re tempted to comment on things your spouse is eating. Trying to control what they eat won’t work. Your spouse needs to make daily eating decisions for themselves.

The only time I can think of when it might be helpful to speak up is when your spouse is in denial – they are not actually dealing with a weight issue as the title of this post suggests – they are ignoring it. Maybe your spouse is clearly obese, but thinks they are fit. Maybe they are passing on unhealthy eating habits to your children. In those cases, I would definitely say something. Exactly what would depend on the situation. If I were in denial, I would want my spouse to start a conversation on a reasonably relaxed day with:

I’m concerned about … Do you have any thoughts about it?

That approach may not work with every spouse, but it’s somewhere to start.

If your spouse is actively working on their health, you do not need to give your opinion on what they are doing unless they ask you directly for it.

3. Quietly set a good example

Make healthy food choices yourself. Exercise. Get to bed at a decent hour. Do all this without broadcasting it, and the behaviour may just catch on. Sound hard to do? It is – even when you’re healthy to start with. Now imagine how hard it would be if you felt like your whole body & genetic makeup were working against you, and you’ll have a miniscule insight into just how much of a struggle your spouse faces every single day.

4. Watch for triggers and for goodness sakes try not to be one!

There are all kinds of things that can trigger overeating for someone who is struggling. Stress, boredom, loneliness, conflict, fatigue – or even some positive things like celebrations and social gatherings. Find out what your spouse’s triggers are. In private on a reasonably relaxed day, ask them – gently.

Helpful: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been really trying to make healthy choices lately. Are there certain situations that make that more difficult for you to do?”

Not helpful: “What causes you to binge eat?”

When you figure out what your spouse’s triggers are, can you think of ways that you can help them without nagging? If your spouse really struggles with overeating when they are bored, can you plan some fun activities together? If they struggle when they are stressed, are you able to take some things off their plate? Or can you help them relieve their stress in healthy ways – with sex and/or exercise, for example?

I’m not saying to rearrange your entire life to your own detriment – we can’t possibly meet all of our spouse’s needs. I’m just asking if there are small things that could be done differently to everyone’s benefit.

5. Don’t bring junk food into the house

If you know your spouse has a donut addiction, bringing a dozen home for breakfast is just plain mean. If you really want a donut, eat one when you’re away from the house. Recycle the box it came in before you get home. Don’t lie to your spouse, but don’t put their vice under their nose either.

If your spouse does the grocery shopping, don’t ask them to buy junk food – even if it’s “just for you.” The junk can stay at the store.

If you do the grocery shopping, buy stuff that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.

When we were first married, my husband did the grocery shopping. Included in the items he came home with the first week was a package of Fudgee-O cookies. Now I was old enough to know that I could not have Fudgee-O’s in my kitchen. I explained this to my new husband, but he didn’t get it. To him, having a few cookies after work was no big deal. He didn’t understand that for me, it would never be 2-3 per day. If I ate even one, I could easily plow through the whole bag within a day. I should have pushed the point, but I didn’t. I second-guessed my own experience and the cookies went into the cupboard.

Well, 7 pounds later, I pleaded with him to please take the cookies to work so he could have them at lunch instead. I appealed to his math brain: 60 calories per cookie x 3 per day = 18.77 pounds per year. The lightbulb went on and he got it. The cookies were never to be seen again.

He learned to trust me when I ask him not to bring specific things into the house, and has honoured every request since without complaint. I learned that I should never, ever take food advice from someone who doesn’t know about chocolate’s secret super power.

If your spouse needs to lose weight, are you supporting them or inadvertently undermining them?
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6. Be happy when a healthy meal is put in front of you.

If your spouse does the cooking and tries to make something healthy, be happy about their effort.

Helpful: “This looks delicious!” If delicious is a bit of a stretch, try “This looks interesting – how did you make it?” Mean what you say. Don’t lie or patronize.

Not helpful: “What is this rabbit food?! I thought Tuesdays were for chicken-fried steak and potatoes with gravy?”

For a spouse who’s trying to eat healthy food, it can be incredibly discouraging to have a husband or wife who complains about what they are being served. This in itself can be enough to completely derail a healthy eating plan.

That being said, once you’ve eaten the meal, if you don’t like it, speak up. “That wasn’t my favourite – I prefer the stir-fry you made last week.” Be honest about what you think. There are other healthy recipes out there that you will both like.

If you do the cooking, make food that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.

7. Grant reasonable requests for accommodations for a healthy lifestyle

This will look different in every situation. Maybe it means looking after your kids so your spouse has time to hit the gym. Or, if your spouse manages to get to strollercise in the morning, maybe they need some de-stressing time at the end of the day, or time to make a proper meal plan. Whatever it is, if you can reasonably give it to them, do it.

Sometimes making accommodations involves one-off things here and there. We recently took a family day trip to an amusement park. We were packing lunches to take with us and I didn’t have what I needed for me, so I asked my husband if we could stop on the way to pick up a pre-made salad at the grocery store.

Helpful: “Sure, no problem. That will only take a few minutes. I’ll wait in the car with the kids while you run in.”

Not helpful: “That’s five minutes out of the way in each direction. We were supposed to get there at 10. Traffic is going to be bad. We’re on a tight deadline as it is.”

Those of us who struggle with our weight often find it extra difficult to ask for what we need. I’m not sure if it’s because we have subconsciously bought into the cultural idea that we are second-class citizens, or if we had trouble voicing our needs to begin with and the extra weight is a manifestation of that difficulty. For whatever reason, it often takes a lot of agony just to voice a request. If a voiced need is abruptly dismissed without any thought, it can cut pretty deep – particularly when it’s something that is relatively simple to accommodate. Am I not even worth a 10-minute detour for an outing that isn’t really time sensitive?

So stop and think before answering without thinking. If you can reasonably make the accommodation, do it. If you can’t, validate the request before saying no. “I really want to give you time to get to the gym today because I know how important it is for you. I have a meeting with my boss until 6 tonight. Could we switch things around so you can go after dinner this time?”

8. Recognize how difficult this is for your spouse

Remember that it’s rarely about the food. Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s something else going on. Genetics, metabolic conditions, medications, and age can also pack on the pounds. In all likelihood, it’s a combination of different things that is adding up to your spouse’s difficulty in losing weight.

You can help in this area by validating their feelings of frustration if they vent them to you, while staying positive.

Helpful: “I get that this is difficult/frustrating/stressful. If it were easy, nobody would have a weight problem. I have seen your strength and determination before. If anyone can get victory over this in spite of the constant obstacles, it’s you.”

Not helpful: “I don’t get why this is so hard for you. Just stop with the cookies already.”

9. Accept your spouse the way they are

If your spouse were not able to lose a pound, would you still want to be married to them? Oh, I hope so. If the answer is no, then please get help – with your own attitudes and/or the other issues going on in your marriage.

Tell your spouse what you love about them. Express gratitude for the things they do. Affirm their character. Point out what you love about their body.

10. Pray for wisdom

I may not have mentioned exactly what your spouse needs, but God knows. Pray for your spouse, for your marriage, and for wisdom for both of you.

10 Ways to Support a Spouse Who is Trying to Lose Weight: Nagging isn't one of them.
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So, there you have it. Ten ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue. What would you add to this list? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Top 10 Ways to Support a Spouse Struggling to Lose Weight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can how we see our bodies affect our sex lives more than how our bodies actually look?

For women, I’ve said again and again: our brains are our biggest sex organ. And what often gets in the way of our sex drive is the way we think about our bodies. When we start believing all these lies about how we should look, we are focusing on only the physical. And sex starts feeling more like a chore than anything else!

That’s why I’m so excited to have Jackie on the blog today! She’s talking about how to boost your libido by simply changing some of these ways we think. I love how she ties all this back to God so well!

Here’s Jackie!

My husband and I recently returned from a military marriage retreat led by one of his favorite pastors, who walked us through the Song of Solomon as a guide to flourishing marriage.

A big theme was the delight of the woman’s body to the man, and how she was to be encouraged to trust him and share it.

A lovely concept, but I knew from my own story that there was so much more to it than that.

And sure enough, during an anonymous Q&A session, a woman asked what to do if her body was no longer viewed as lovely and delightful by herself or her husband.

The pastor gave the best answer he could, but my stomach turned, because I desperately wanted to find that woman and tell her everything I have learned over the past decade.

You see, for years I detested the very topic of sex.

Innocent little jokes would shut me down into an internal rage, and I had vowed to never share my body with any man.

What I didn’t realize was that this was a wound combining two of Satan’s favorite playgrounds – how we care for our physical bodies, and sex. And both centered around the target of the female body – arguably God’s greatest masterpiece, and the focus of so many of Satan’s lies.

A long journey of studying, prayer, tears, and healing led me to a place where I loved my body as it was, and cared for it into being well.

And what I realized along the way was that one of the greatest reasons for my anger toward sex was what I now call body shame.

How could I even begin to want to joyfully share my body with a husband when I loathed it myself?

I now coach women who struggle with libido issues through one of the first shifts toward loving and craving sex in a godly way: body stewardship.

Body stewardship is a massive topic, but I’ll break it down here into five key realizations, and five key practices, that will set you on the to path to loving your body and wanting to share it!

There are 5 key things to understand:

1. Your body belongs to God

This is body stewardship: the reality that God created our bodies, and bought them back for His purposes and use when Christ died for us on the cross. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

This truth insists that we stop bashing and mistreating the bodies that have been placed in our care, and figure out how to think of them and treat them in a way that honors God.

2. We are designed to crave glorified bodies 

Our bodies will be redeemed and perfected when Christ comes to make everything as it should be (Philippians 3:20-21). Somewhere, deep down in our design, we know this, and even nonbelievers long for this glorification and are drawn to tastes of it in culture.

If you’ve ever wondered why there is such an obsession with perfected, literally airbrushed bodies, I believe it is this: we have this unquenchable hope and craving for the way things should be, and will be.

We are trying to teach people to be satisfied with imperfect bodies with the argument that this is what is normal and natural. And it is what is normal and natural – this side of heaven, in a broken world.

But we were not designed for this world – we were designed for the kingdom that is coming, and in that kingdom, our bodies will be glorified, and we will be attractive. (Zechariah 9:17)

What do you do with this realization? Have awareness of where the these cravings for an ideal body are coming from, and grace toward yourself both for wanting it, and not being able to achieve it yet.

3. The female body represents salvation, and is one of Satan’s top targets 

Oh, this is a biggie. Think with me for a second through some of the steps of salvation: we accept in something which we cannot produce ourselves – in this case, salvation and grace from God through Christ – and by welcoming it and receiving it into ourselves, new life is birthed in us and out into the world.

This is also the act of sex and conception from the female perspective, isn’t it?

Of course Satan would target the receptiveness and life-giving power of the female body – it’s a powerful metaphor for the salvation he is trying to keep people from. 

4. God gave YOU sex as a gift

Sex is so often presented as something made for men that women have to tolerate, but this could not be farther from the truth.

Not to go into frank anatomy, but there are some design features on the female body that make it pretty obvious that God wants women to enjoy sex – possibly even more than men!

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please reach out to me and we can go into more detail in a girls-only space!

5. Body Shame is tricky – and crippling

So, why is this all so hard? Let’s take it back to Genesis.

One of the first effects of the fall was that Adam and Eve hid their bodies – from God, from themselves, and from each other. (Genesis 3:7)

They were ashamed of their naked bodies, and ever since, our intimate relationships with our Creator and with our spouses have been plagued with insecurities and distance.

Christ has taken our shame away, but it takes practice to live that truth out. So when negative thoughts about your body hit, show yourself some grace: these insecurities are one of the foundational effects of original sin.

Now that we’ve got those down, here are 5 things to do: 

1. Reclaim your body

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the world has a million messages about what the female body is for, and little of it is Biblically true or in our best interest.

Everything from being pressured to look like Barbie, to being the target of brutal attacks and abuse – the female body is often at the heart of some of society’s greatest tragedies.

So what’s a girl to do?

The best way to cope in such unfriendly territory is to reclaim your body as Christ’s and see it through the lens of the Gospel: loved unconditionally exactly as it is, and deeply wanted. And, capable of incredible good works in the world through a lifelong process of sanctification.

2. Set a Vision

When you feel miles away from the body you long for, having a vision – perhaps for the next few months, perhaps for your ultimate goals, or perhaps a mix of both – of what you want and feel called to create with your body can keep you going and focused.

Whether it’s pictures of fit and joyful women on your vision board, or following some wellness gurus on your Instagram, find specific things that will motivate you when discouragement or complacency hits.

3. Cultural Detox

In order to set and stick to a compelling vision without having body shame kick in, it can be helpful to cut out the junk in your media diet for a while.

Movies, magazines, music and TV shows – as well as some social media – that sends you into a spiral of comparison, anger, or inadequacy is better left alone while you work on healing your heart and body.

4. Purify your foods

I lead a group of women through an ongoing ‘Pure Eating Challenge’ because we have been so trained to avoid fats, count calories, and eat in a restrict-then-binge cycle that it’s hard to know what to eat at all!

Pure eating is an art form, and consists of transitioning to natural sweeteners like stevia that don’t throw off our hunger hormones, and eating God-created foods in single-ingredient form as close to the way they were made as we can.

This can actually be shockingly tasty, and the energy, weight loss, and stable hunger and moods it creates only makes the process easier as you go along.

If you’re interested in joining us for one of our pure eating challenges, let me know and I’ll send you all the details.

5. Move in a way you love

Like food, when we start to workout as part of a body stewardship plan, we can throw ourselves into an aggressive, all-or-nothing plan based on someone else’s suggestions that don’t suit our body. The result? We rarely maintain it.

The solution? Figure out what kind of movement you love, and that suits your body’s current needs, and ease it into your life in a way that doesn’t so disrupt your schedule that it gets pushed aside.

If you take one thing away from this post (ok, two things!) please, gorgeous and beloved one, let it be this:

One, God adores your body! (Remember, it’s His!) He cares about it, has His eye on it, and will protect it if you stay in His will.

And two, you have what it takes to step into a wellness that frees you from shame, inspires others, and makes you…well, want to tell your husband to get home early tonight!

Learn to steward your body well, step into your gorgeous sexuality as a woman of God, and the joy and health that will come will amaze you – and bless everyone around you!

Jackie Dixon is a health and intimacy coach and the creator of the Body Stewardship course. Get a free copy of her upcoming book, The Bombshell Manifesto: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Being Fiercely Feminine, when it launches on Amazon December 12: bit.ly/bombshellmanifesto.

The post 10 Ways to Love Your Body–and Want to Share it With Your Husband! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I firmly believe that the main reason so many of us struggle with weight is that we don’t understand it.

And this desire to “lose weight” too often manifests itself in this attitude where food and your body are the enemy, and you have to defeat them.

That’s depressing. That’s a losing game. And it’s really unhealthy.

I also think it’s demeaning. It’s like we women don’t think we’re worth much if we put on extra pounds. And so we have to go back to some magical number on the scale that we may have hit back when we were 17, as if the pinnacle of our lives was before we had kids, before we matured, before we were actually, you know, women.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather be in pyjamas right now still on vacation. I was originally going to take a break from this blog until January 2, because I really wanted some time off.

But something’s happening right now that I just had to tell you about because it’s so important, and it transformed my life. And I just don’t want you all to miss it.

I used to vow to lose weight every New Year’s. I didn’t have a lot to lose, mind you, but I spend my 30s creeping up by a few pounds a year, which, after 10 years, can easily be 25 pounds. And I had to lose it. I tried to exercise. As I explained in this post, I tried to count Weight Watchers points and save up so that I could have the occasional piece of chocolate cake. And my weight kept going up, and I kept feeling awful about myself.

I also thought all those people who bought food from the organic section of the supermarket were rather ridiculous health nuts. They were going overboard on stuff that didn’t really matter.

And then my stomach pains started, and my periods got so bad I actually ended up needing surgery.

Around that time I started learning about the Ultimate Bundles people–people who are now my friends.

Ryan and Stephanie Langford started them, and their goal was to gather the absolute BEST online materials on different subjects, and then offer them all together for a five day period for a ridiculously low price. Plus they’d get businesses to offer physical bonuses! It was a way to help online entrepreneurs (like me) who create products get a bigger audience, but also a way to give consumers an incredible deal.

Because most of these bundles are worth about $2000, but they sell them for $29.97.

One of those bundles was the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle. It’s offered every year (though the resources in it change completely each year), and I bought my first one four years ago. It changed everything.

I learned that the reason that I’ve been having trouble losing weight is that I’ve been focusing on losing weight.

I’ve been focusing on depriving my body, rather than focusing on giving my body what it needs, and NOT giving my body what it doesn’t need. I learned that my body actually needs certain fats (olive oil, nuts, avocadoes, coconut, fish, etc.), and that low-fat foods (like low-fat dairy) are actually bad for you. I learned that the problem with weight is not so much calories themselves as where you get those calories from.

Too often we put things inside our bodies that our bodies can’t process properly. Take preservatives, for instance. They are an absolutely amazing invention. I am completely pro-preservative, because it allowed people to have a steady food supply even in winter. It allows us to get food to people who would otherwise starve. Preservatives allow people short on food to actually get food.

But that’s where the benefit stops. If your biggest problem is no longer lack of food, then preservatives become the enemy. Here’s why. Preservatives stop bacteria from breaking down food, so that it doesn’t spoil and it lasts longer. So far, so good. But how does our body get nutrition from food? Bacteria breaks it down. When your body is trying to process food with preservatives, it doesn’t know what to do and it can’t get the nutrition properly. So it just stores it as fat. And you get very little nutrition from it.

I learned that most of my stomach problems were caused from eating at restaurants and from eating canned goods. So I simply switched to real foods, and stopped eating preservatives and stopped going to restaurants so much, and my weight dropped overnight without me trying to deprive myself.

And I learned about the benefits of essential oils, too!

I love them. I clean with them. I set up my aromatherapy machine with them.

Every year the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is available, and every year it has completely different resources in it. This year the bundle had all kinds of amazing courses that taught me about the role that hormones play in our libido and in our digestion and in our health, stuff that I had never understood before. I learned that a lot of anxiety can actually be managed by diet (not that people shouldn’t be on antidepressants if they need them, mind you!). I learned how to get better skin.

It’s the absolute BEST collection I’ve ever seen. It was available in September for five days, and I sent out some emails about it.

But it’s back today for a flash sale. It’s gone tonight at midnight.

And so I decided that despite the Christmas holidays and despite my urge to be in pyjamas, I would tell you about it before it’s gone.

Because it really did change my life, and it changed my whole focus on weight to something that is so much emotionally healthier and more manageable.

The neat thing about the flash sale is that when you buy the Healthy Living Bundle for $29.97, you get the opportunity to ALSO add the Essential Oils Super Bundle for just $15. So for $45 you can get about $3000 worth of ebooks and ecourses on healthy living and essential oils, plus about $250 in physical bonuses that can come right to your door.

Seriously, there is so much to love in this bundle! The vast majority of it is digital products (like ebooks, printables and courses) that you can access right away, but look at what is delivered right to your door:

• Green Kid Crafts – FREE craft box ($19.95 value)
• Perfect Supplements – $15 gift certificate toward any Perfect Brand product ($15 value)
• TriLight Health – $15 off select TriLight products ($15 value)
• MadeOn Skin Care – FREE BeeCool Muscle Balm Stick and Natural Lip Balm Combo (value $15.25)
• The Maca Team – FREE Organic Gelatinized Yellow Maca Powder, 8 oz. ($15.44 value)
• Get Kombucha – FREE 2-week supply (15 ml) of Kombucha Pro: Liquid Probiotics (value $29.99) OR FREE 1-ounce bag of Custom Organic Kombucha Tea Blend (value $16.99)
• Orglamix – FREE Mineral Eye Shadow Trio ($18 value)
• Grove Co. – FREE Seventh Generation Laundry Detergent, Fabric Softener and stain remover, 60 Day VIP Trial, and FREE shipping with a $20 minimum purchase for new customers ($32.66 value) OR a FREE 1-year VIP Membership for existing customers ($39.95 value)
• Meal Garden – 6 months of Meal Garden FREE (value $35.70)

This is how I think about it: I get $30 of probiotics and $33 worth of laundry detergent, which in and of itself pays for both the essential oils and healthy living bundles.

Plus I also get all these resources:

Some of my favourite ones are in the women’s health department. When the bundle was for sale in September, I actually bought 6 myself to give to the people who work for me, my sister-in-law, and my daughters, just because of the Perfect Periods ecourse, which is amazing:

I took it and it had this self-assessment which correctly diagnosed my liver issues and my hormone issues, and then told me what to do (and I feel so much better!).

Of course, there’s more than just the Perfect Periods ecourse, but that course normally sells for $297. Yep, you read that right. Almost $300 (there’s a LOT of information), but just today it’s part of the bundle, and you get it plus everything else for just $29.97.

And that everything else includes meal plans, books on how to get kids to eat healthy, courses on how to exercise at home, alternative health, how to use essential oils, and so much more!

But the flash sale is over today, and then this combination of products will never be offered together again like this. The only reason they’re able to offer $2400 worth of stuff for $29.97 is because it’s for such a limited time.

And I didn’t want you to miss it, because this is probably the thing that has changed my attitude towards my body the most over the last decade, and has even helped me understand my libido fluctuations more.

So don’t miss it! If you want to make a New Year’s Resolution about your weight, how about trying this instead?

This New Year’s, I will learn about health. I will read a few books and take a few courses and just change a very few things, and I will see what happens.

That’s more manageable. That doesn’t make you feel like you’re inadequate or that you were better when you were 17. That’s empowering. And that’s the way to make real change!

The post Please Don’t Resolve to Lose Weight This New Year’s appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Does your husband make you feel insecure?

Last week I wrote about how sex can make you feel powerful. But I know that in all too many marriages the opposite is the case. Your husband says things that make you feel ugly, degraded, or objectified.

Every Friday I like to write a Marriage Moment, a quick, 400-word inspirational piece about marriage that touches on just one thing. This week I thought I’d talk to those women for whom last week’s post didn’t apply–those whose husbands tell them that they’re not attractive, or have impossible standards for beauty.

It’s a sad one. here goes:

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Husband Makes You Lose Your Confidence

When I give my Girl Talk, my event for churches where I talk about sex and marriage, I always include an anonymous Q&A session. And invariably one of the questions I get goes something like this:

I try to keep myself fit, and I’ve only gained 10 pounds since the wedding and having kids. But my husband is always telling me I’m fat, or mentioning gym memberships or pressuring me to tone up. And he’s always asking me to do things I’m just not comfortable doing, especially when he doesn’t even think I’m attractive.

I get email upon email like that, too–more today than I did five years ago.

It’s getting worse, and I’m fed up.

Our bodies were not designed to look the same at 36 as they did at 16. And there is no good reason that a couple cannot enjoy great sex even after stretch marks and a gravity shift!

When I hear about men expecting their wives to keep a body shape that just doesn’t happen post-baby, I get a huge red flag. That man has bought into our pornified culture which says that only one type of woman is attractive. And he has made sex into something only physical, since he wants to do things that make her feel uncomfortable.

Ladies, the problem is not with you. You are not wrong to want to be his sole object of attraction. You are not wrong for feeling “icky” about certain sexual acts.

You want real intimacy; he wants pornography in the flesh. And it needs to stop!

If you want real intimacy, but your husband seems to want porn in the flesh, this is for you!
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Don’t let his words make you feel inferior; listen to God’s design for sex instead. Believe what God said about intimacy being physical, spiritual, and emotional all at the same time–when we make it only physical, we rob ourselves of something profound.

Next time he insults your body, reply,

Honey, I love you, but I believe that you have bought into lies that our culture has told us about sex, and it’s making us miss out on what God has for us. Can we talk about how we can have an awesome, intimate sex life together, instead of defining ourselves by our culture’s standards?

Our culture has become disgusting. Don’t let our gross culture rob you of confidence of joy in your marriage. Stand up for truth, even if that means standing up to your husband.

Next Steps if This is a Big Problem in Your Marriage:

1. Ask your husband if you can go through 31 Days to Great Sex together. It helps you talk about your desires for sex; it helps you work through your preconceived notions about sex that may be wrong; it helps you communicate about hurts that you’ve had. And it also is super fun–it helps you explore your bodies, spice things up, and make things feel great while also talking about safe and appropriate boundaries. It’s a great way to start the conversation without being confrontational or angry (and it’s fun, too!). Get it here.
2. Explore whether pornography is a factor in your marriage. Suggest getting Covenant Eyes installed on your computers and devices.
3. Be proactive about identifying a mentor couple for both of you and an accountability partner for your husband. Sometimes we need someone else to come alongside us and say, “you know, you may think what you’re feeling is natural and normal, but it’s really wrong.”

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We are hitting the #4’s this week (except for the top new post from this week of course!), because the other top posts were all mentioned last week, and I wanted to give you something new! With spring right around the corner (maybe?) it’s just the right time to start airing thing out.  From the clutter in the house to the clutter in your marriage, we are cleaning up and starting fresh!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: If I Divorce My Husband Will I Lose My Salvation?
#4 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#4 from Facebook: Why Sex Isn’t Just For Him
#4 from Pinterest: The 43-Folder System: Organizing Your Paper Clutter

I Guess I Got a Little Testy This Week, Eh?

I feel like I spent this week rebuking people. I don’t normally get upset at reader questions, but this week’s, by the woman wanting to justify an affair, really got my back up, and I let her have it.

And then on Wednesday I tried to address something else that I see over and over again in reader questions: people feeling helpless and like everything is everyone else’s fault and nothing is their own fault. I used two questions that didn’t have as much to do with “fault” as they did with choice, but this is a theme I see so often in questions. Here’s the issue: if you did absolutely nothing wrong and there’s no way that you possibly could have done things differently, then there’s also no way you can do things differently now. We really need to start recognizing that we are not helpless babes being carried along in life; we are making choices, and we’ve made choices in the past, and we will continue to make choices. That’s actually freeing!

I do have a lot of sympathy for people in tough marriages, and I’ve written so many posts for them recently. But I also think that it’s pretty impossible to fix those marriages unless we first recognize that there are things that are within our power to make our lives better, and then we actually follow through! Blaming everyone else and seeing all the bad in our lives never helps anybody.

Wanna Hear My Husband and I Talk About Marriage?

My “patrons” (the people who support me on a monthly basis for as little as $5 a month) heard a podcast of my husband and I reminiscing about what we did right (and what we did wrong) preparing for the empty nest! And I put Keith on the spot for a few questions. They also got an email today with all the things I’ve been reading and more thoughts on some of my posts (an “inside Sheila’s brain” thing). And later this month, when the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle comes out, some of my patrons will get one for free (depending on their level of support). If you want to see more behind the scenes of this blog, and just get to know me better and ask me questions, you can become a patron, too!

We’re on Our Way Home!

Yesterday in South Carolina, after 2 weeks in the south and three trips in the RV (where we left the RV in storage and flew home) we are finally driving it home.

I hit the “Go Home” button on our GPS!

We’ll be back in the U.S. with our RV in May for a quick tour in Pennsylvania (there’s still one more opening if you’re a church in Pennsylvania/Ohio that would like to host a Girl Talk! And they don’t take long to organize, so there’s still time! Just email Tammy for more info).

And then we’ll be back next year, doing it all over again, in September, starting in Michigan/Iowa/Kansas/Oklahoma. Again, if you want to be a part of it, just email Tammy!

An Instagram Update

Here’s one of our more dramatic moments this week:

So yesterday, while trying to take a picture of some ducks when we were birdwatching, my husband came within 6 feet of stepping on this mother alligator with all of her babies! #whoops #southcarolina #alligator

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Apr 7, 2016 at 7:19am PDT

Here’s What Katie’s Been Up To While I’ve Been Gone

And that’s it for now, everybody! Have a great week!

The post When Your Husband Ruins Your Confidence appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

My daughter Rebecca recently started preaching to me about the benefits of a capsule wardrobe.

Basically, you try to get your wardrobe down to only a certain number of pieces–some say 25, some say 40–and then you work with just those. You buy high quality pieces, with lots of neutral basics. You accessorize with pretty scarves and jewelry and a few colourful items. And then you’re much happier! It’s easier to choose what to wear. It takes up less space. It’s easier to pack.

And you don’t have to spend all your time clothes shopping. You purchase high quality pieces that last forever.

This spring I went on a huge purge and got rid of about half my clothes. But I’m still nowhere near the 40 pieces. I’m getting there, but I do have a lot of dresses I love and jackets I use when I speak.

But here’s what I have done. I’ve decided that for each 2 month period I’m going to choose 25 pieces (shoes and jewelry not included!) to wear. Those will include at least 5 speaking outfits. Every two months I’ll try to switch out most clothes so that I do wear most of my items. And then, after a year, I’ll look at what I haven’t worn and I’ll get rid of those items, because I obviously don’t like them enough to have them make the cut.

So most of my clothes are on my top rack, but I put the capsule wardrobe on the bottom rack, and for two months only wear it. Here are all my other clothes; you can see the capsule one below.

Here’s why I’m liking this:

1. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me make up outfits
2. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me accessorize
3. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me use items I love but I’ve never quite figured out how to wear.

Let’s look at each of these individually!

Using a Capsule Wardrobe Helps You Make up Outfits

That’s really the point of a capsule wardrobe, actually. You choose items that coordinate, and then it’s easier to make up an “outfit”. Often we’re stuck with a lot of clothes that will look good with one skirt or one pair of pants but nothing else. A capsule wardrobe encourages you to buy a lot of neutral items and then add patterns to it.

So you choose 2 sweaters, 1 blazer, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of pants, 2 capris, 2 skirts, 1 dress, and then the rest can be tops. (You may fiddle with the numbers a bit, but that’s roughly it). And if you have enough neutrals in the sweaters and the pants, then everything will go with everything else.

I’m still working on collecting my neutrals–as you can tell, I have too many patterns. But the nice thing is that if I think about a colour palette beforehand, and then choose clothes in that colour palette, then more of them will coordinate together. In this case, I chose a yellow sweater that works with pretty much all of the tops, and a neutral jacket that works with both. Unfortunately I still need to work on getting more plain skirts, but at least these ones have at least two tops that work with each. And, of course, all the tops work with my plain jeans and capris.

I also have a pair of shorts, two pairs of capris, and a pair of jeans. Oh, and one dress!

I just leave the pants/shorts on an open shelf so I can see them easily. The other pants I put away in drawers and don’t bother with until it’s time to create my next capsule.

Since I have these all picked out, packing for my trip to British Columbia last week was easy. I just picked up everything by the hanger, lay them all in the suitcase, and I was done. Easy peasy! Took three outfits to Little Rock this week, too, when I was recording for FamilyLife Today Radio.

Capsule Wardrobes Help You Accessorize

I’m a firm believer in fighting the frump. I want to try to look “put together” instead of just throwing on clothes everyday haphazardly. But one thing that I’ve found is that looking “put together” is often more about accessories than it is just an outfit. By choosing my tops ahead of time I can then also make it a point to choose jewelry that actually goes with the items, instead of just always choosing the same necklace everyday (if I choose one at all).

It helps me to wear more of my jewelry, too! So I just take the necklaces that I want to wear (and the bracelets, if applicable) and hang them right over the hangers, like they do in a clothing store when they try to sell you outfits.

I figure out the shoes and the purses, too, and just lay the shoes I’ll actually need below the clothes, and the purses on hangers beside everything else.

Now when I go to get dressed in the morning, there’s really not a lot of thought that goes into it! I’ve already planned outfits, I’ve got shoes that will coordinate, necklaces that tie everything together, and I know what purses I want to wear.

It made speaking really easy, too–no more thinking about what to wear.

A Capsule Wardrobe Helps Me Use Items I Love But Don’t Know What to Do With

I love knitting, and I knit pretty much all the time. But I’m not the best at wearing the things I knit necessarily. It’s much easier in the winter, when I’ve got big sweaters, but in the summer I often forget about my knitted items.

With a capsule wardrobe I can be intentional: Okay, here’s a knit top I want to wear. What can I wear it with to turn it into an outfit?

I found one green summer cotton top I knit last year, for instance. I found a necklace that went well with it, and now it looks great with both skirts and those funky green shoes!

(I couldn’t hang this on the hangers with my other tops because it’s knit and it will stretch, so I had to show it to you separately!)

I also have a large collection of scarves that I never know quite what to do with. I like them, but I always forget to wear them. So in my first capsule wardrobe, which I made up in the winter, I found a scarf that coordinated and tried to use it in interesting ways. I thought this worked well with my jacket:

So now I try to put a scarf in each wardrobe, too!

I just find that it takes the guess work out of getting dressed, and it makes sure that I looked “turned out”. I’ve got a coordinated outfit. I’ve got jewelry. I’ve got accessories. And it works. Otherwise I find that I’ll throw on some capris and a top but I won’t really create an outfit.

I’m also realizing that I don’t actually need that many clothes. I may even get rid of a few more after the summer is over! I wouldn’t mind getting down to 40 pieces, actually (well, not including dresses. I like my dresses). But I’m also going to buy sweaters that are more versatile and that go with more outfits to coordinate together. And with solids I can do more with scarves, so in the end you don’t need to spend as much on clothes to still use color and pattern.

So that’s how I’m dressing myself these days. What about you? Have you ever tried a capsule wardrobe? How did it work out? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post How I Use a Capsule Wardrobe to Fight the Frump! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Is it possible to have a conversation about weight in a healthy way?

Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, but today I’ve got one of my own that I wanted to tackle: how can we frame body image issues properly? I really have no idea.

So I’m just going to give maybe a stream of consciousness post of all the things I think about, and then I’m hoping you can all chime in with your opinions! I think this is an important topic, but it’s just so emotionally laden that we don’t cover it well. And I’m not sure what to do with it, so I tend to shy away.

With quaking hands as I’m typing this (because I really don’t want to hurt anyone), let’s take a stab at it.

I’m going to list a whole bunch of truths, and then I’ll ask you all to help me come up with some sort of an approach that encompasses them all. If that’s possible.

Truth #1: Our Society’s View of Body Image is a Prison of Expectations

Here’s how I explain it in my Girl Talk (the talk I give about sex and marriage in churches): Our society has taken sex outside of the marriage relationship, and when you do that, all you have left is the body. It’s not about intimacy or commitment or love; it’s only about pleasure. When you do that, the body takes on far more significance than it ever should have, and that’s why, in our society today, sexy is all that matters.

Our worth is so much in our bodies as women, and our bodies don’t have to just be “beautiful”, they have to be a certain size that really isn’t found in nature very often: large breasts, narrow waist, curvy hips, with no trace of fat or cellulite. Just doesn’t happen.

Especially after you have babies and things are just flabby, even if you’re not carrying extra weight.

And this leads so many women to feeling helpless, and like we’ll never be good enough. It can lead to anorexia. It can lead to self-loathing. It can lead to ridiculous diet trends that are distinctly unhealthy. And it can also lead to women just giving up. They’ll never be good enough, so why try?

Thought #2: The Porn Industry Has Made Men Have Unrealistic Expectations

Combine our general societal push to have a perfect body with the porn industry, and you have the perfect storm of pressure to look a certain way.

As more and more men view porn, more men start to expect a certain body shape. I get so many letters talong the lines of “I’m 125 pounds and keep myself in great shape, but my husband says he isn’t attracted to me anymore because I have a tiny bit of a tummy. And he wants me to get breast implants.” Isn’t that awful?

A lot of women have husbands who tell them they need to lose weight or look a certain way, and it’s downright, well, creepy.

Thought #3: We Should Be Able to Enjoy our Bodies Sexually Without Being a Certain Weight

Nowhere in the Bible is sexual satisfaction combined with a perfect body. Certainly in Song of Solomon the beauty of both the bride and groom are extolled, but if anything, the Bible teaches that we should love our spouses regardless of what happens to their bodies.

Proverbs 5:19 says:

A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

And the context is rejoicing in the wife that you have been married to for decades–rejoice in the “wife of your youth”. So God is telling us that we should enjoy ourselves even when our bodies are no longer perfect or no longer young.

Thought #4: Sex is More than Physical

Sex is about so much more than just physical pleasure; it’s a deeply intimate and spiritual experience, too. And, indeed, as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, when two people feel spiritually connected, physical pleasure often is enhanced. For women, especially, sexual response seems linked to feeling intimate. So it’s not only about feeling sexy; it’s about feeling close. When we emphasize the physical at the expense of the other, we often lose out on the best aphrodisiac that God’s given us.

Okay, so I believe all those four things with all my heart, and I’ve written posts about each of them at length. But, but, but…there’s another side to it, isn’t there? 

Thought #5: We Are Attracted to the Physical

As much as the physical shouldn’t mean everything, it does mean something, doesn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful, after all, and the Bible does talk about women in terms of their beauty (and men, too, by the way!).

And if that’s true, then isn’t part of being a good wife also taking care of your body?

The problem with this line of thinking, of course, is what does that actually mean? Does a good wife have to be a size 6? Or is anything okay except a size 14? Except plus sizes? Of course not. But, but, but…shouldn’t there be something?

I’ve always felt like most guys would be happier with a larger woman who was enthusiastic about sex and willing to initiate than with a smaller woman who kept sex off limits, because “sexy” is still a lot to do with attitude more than anything else, but I do think that keeping ourselves in as good shape as is reasonably possible with our lifestyle is a gift that we can give our husbands.

Thought #6: People Who Respect Themselves Tend to Look the Part

Whenever I talk about fighting the frump this is really what I mean. If you respect yourself, then you will tend to dress that way. You will take care in your appearance. Someone who puts on a shirt that flatters and some jewelry and a bit of makeup (or at least brushes their hair) will look like someone who respects themselves far more than someone who puts on yoga pants and an ugly oversized T-shirt. And if you look like you took some care in your appearance, then other people will take you more seriously. If you look like you don’t care, then why should they?

People who don’t take care of their appearance do tend to look like they’re keeping others at arm’s length. The whole “I don’t care what other people think” thing sounds more like an excuse. It’s an “I don’t like my body and I’m insecure and so I’ll just say that it’s other people’s fault” attitude. That’s likely too harsh, and I explain it far better here about fighting the frump. But I do think we can look put together whatever size we are.

Thought #7: Our Bodies Are the Vehicle Through Which We Reach the World

We’re on this earth for a limited time. And the vehicle through which we impact our families, reach the world, and tangibly carry out the Great Commission is through our bodies. We are physical beings.

Thus, the way we treat our physical bodies will have a direct correlation with our ability to be effective on this earth. Obese people tend to die earlier. But they also have a string of health problems throughout their lives which will eat up time and resources and energy that could have been spent elsewhere.

Thought #8: We Owe it to our Kids to Give Them Good Habits

The thing that most correlates with a child being obese is parents being obese. And given the social ramifications and the health ramifications of being obese, we owe it to our kids to instil good habits in them.

I’m just going to be frank here, and mention a very not-so-pretty truth: If you look at the single thirty-somethings in churches, they tend to be a “larger” group than the married ones. I know that’s mean to say, but in my experience I would say that’s true. That doesn’t mean that no heavier people will marry, or that no “lighter” people will be single. It’s only that heavier people are over-represented in the single ranks of young adults. And I would venture to guess that most of them want to be married (at least the ones that I have talked to).

My heart just breaks for these people. I’m one of those annoying matchmaker type people who doesn’t want anyone to be single who doesn’t want to be single. And I’m forever in my head trying to make matches. I so want to see lots and lots of weddings! And when I see College & Careers groups with singles I just get sad, often more than I should (since many of these adults are perfectly at peace with it. It’s my problem, not theirs).

But nonetheless, I do think that raising kids to have healthy eating habits gives them such a leg up in all kinds of ways, and something that important to their future is not something which should be overlooked just because “we should love everyone whatever their size.”

Thought #9: Gluttony is the Forgotten Sin

There’s a problem when Christians are bigger than non-Christians, and in many places we simply are. Gluttony is a sin in the Bible. I think it was easier to see gluttony as a sin when food was scarce, and today it’s abundant. Us eating a lot really doesn’t take food away from anyone else in a tangible way (though we could, of course, be donating that money).

Yet many people use food as an escape. When we’re sad, we turn to the ice cream in the freezer rather than turning to prayer. We build literal distance between us and others to keep them at arm’s length and to stop expectations on ourselves. That’s wrong.

But how do you quantify that? Is it a sin to order that delicious warmed chocolate chip cookie with ice cream and caramel and hot fudge sauce for dessert at restaurants (I can never resist). Or is it only a sin if you have dessert all the time? Is it a sin if you enjoy your food (absolutely not)? Is it a sin if you do split a Haagen-Dasz container with a teen who is sad? When does it cross into sin territory? I have no idea.

So there you have it–nine thoughts about weight that seem to contradict each other. And because it’s such an emotionally laden topic, I often steer away from it. I’ve written a lot about the first four thoughts–those that focus on how we shouldn’t give in to our society’s pressures to conform to a certain body size. I’ve written a ton on respecting yourself. But I’ve never really written on the other thoughts, on how important it is to be healthy and try to keep the weight down, because I don’t want to make women feel badly.

But is there a happy medium? How can you reconcile all nine thoughts? I don’t know, and it really isn’t my intention to make anyone who is wrestling with this feel worse than they already do. I hope I haven’t done that. But how do we talk about weight properly without giving in to society’s ridiculous expectations about body image? I’d love your thoughts in the comments today!

The post How Do We Talk About Weight in a Healthy Way? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can you truly believe that your body is your friend?

On Monday I wrote a long post asking you all to help me synthesize something–how do we talk about body image, weight, beauty, and health in a good way? On the one hand we know that our culture puts way too much emphasis on a particular body shape, and God looks to the heart. But on the other hand, doesn’t appearance matter at least a little? And what about health?

I found the comments there really interesting, and after mulling them over I think I’ve found my synthesis! So since every Friday I write a quick 400-word “Marriage Moment”, I thought today I’d share what I learned.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Treating Your Body Like Your Friend

How many of you look in the mirror and feel like weeping? You hate shopping for jeans because nothing ever fits right. You do your best not to think about anything below the neck throughout the day. When you sit down on the toilet (let’s face it, we all do this), all you see is the rolls of fat.

You’re angry at all the jiggling. You wish you could remove all the mirrors from the bathroom.

When making love, it’s hard to enjoy it when you know your body looks nothing like the pictures of the old you in the wedding photos.

You’ve tried starving yourself (that didn’t last long). You took Lent as an excuse to quit chocolate, but you ended up raiding Haagen Dazs vanilla instead.

If that’s you, I’d say you’re the typical woman. You beat yourself up over your body.

But isn’t that the mindset of someone who sees her body as her enemy? If your body is your enemy, then your goal is to conquer it. You’ll always be at war–with yourself. That sets you up for a lifetime of hatred, failure, and even ingratitude. And hatred of self rarely led to a successful weight loss strategy.

What if there were another way? What if God wants us to see our bodies as precious and wonderful–as our friends?

If we were to treat our body as our friend, what would we do?

First, we wouldn’t hide from it. We’d be thankful for what it could give us without expecting more than it can give. We wouldn’t berate and lecture our friend; we’d encourage and cheer it on! We’d want the best for it, which means that we would feed it well, give it what it really needs, and exercise it.

We’d want others to enjoy our friend, too, so we would show off our friend in the best possible light. We would dress it well, not drown it in oversized, baggy clothes. We would be proud to be seen with our friend.

And we’d enjoy living life with our friend! We’d kick the soccer ball around with our kids. We’d stretch and lift weights and be amazed at how awesome our friend is. We’d cheer her on to get even better! And we wouldn’t condemn our friend to have no sex life until our friend shaped up; we would want our friend to live life to the fullest, right now, where she was.

Can you do that? Can you see your body as your friend rather than your enemy? Your body is an intrinsic part of you, and I truly believe that the more you can be grateful for and embrace your body in a healthy way, the more you can start living life to the fullest. And that, I think, is what God wants from us.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We almost had all #1’s this week…but then one of the Tops is from this week and the other is a repeat of one already on this week’s list!  No matter what though, these Top Posts are worth the read as we look at some great questions and tips on sex in marriage.

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A 2+2 Way To Make Sex In Marriage Better
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband 
#2 from Facebook: Is It Okay To Schedule Sex?
#3 from Pinterest: 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Husband (I’ve got to remind myself to do some of these!)

When the Cough Just Won’t Go Away…

So I’ve had one of those weeks where I’m sort of sick but sort of not. I have this cough and sore throat that won’t go away. I had to cancel a few radio interviews because I was croaking. And I’m sleeping in a different room from my husband because I’m coughing all night! But I honestly don’t feel that ill. It’s a little annoying. And it meant I didn’t get done some of the things I wanted to get done this week. Oh, well.

I’m Rather Nostalgic Today

Today is my grandfather’s birthday. Now, he’s not with us anymore (he would have been 107; he passed away 12 years ago); but I always think of him on June 10.

I wrote a post a few years ago about the spiritual heritage from him that I only found out about after he passed away. I updated the pictures yesterday, so take a look!

Anyway, the short form of the story is this: I always knew that my mom came from a long line of Christians and preachers. But my dad wasn’t overly religious and neither was my grandfather when I was a child (he came back to God when he was older), so I always assumed that his side of my genealogy was rather secular.

Then, on what would have been his hundredth birthday, I took a look at the family Bible.

I still think of my great-great-grandmother who must have prayed so hard in heaven right now, looking down on us. And I wonder what she thinks! Sometimes faith skips a generation, but the heritage is still there.

And that spiritual heritage keeps going, down the generations…

So happy birthday, Poppa!

Are You Signed Up for My Marriage Newsletter?

24,000 people are. And June’s newsletter started going out yesterday and will finish on Monday (it’s going out in batches to test something this weekend!).

It’s a great way to make sure you don’t miss any of the best posts on the blog, but it also highlights some older posts you may not have seen.

Each month I show the four best marriage posts, and the three best reader questions, and then I highlight 4-6 older posts on a certain theme. This month I chose how to make sex feel great!

Check out the newsletter here (and you can subscribe at the same place!)

Have a wonderful weekend!

And let’s talk in the comments: What kind of spiritual heritage do you have/not have? And what would it look like to treat your body as your friend?

The post Can You See Your Body as Your Friend? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How do you help your spouse lose weight?

Yesterday I was talking about how to heat up your sex life, and I was hoping to run a post today on how to make HIM feel great in bed. But I had so many comments on older posts come in yesterday about problems with a spouse’s weight, and I thought I’d run this one first, because it seems to be a real stumbling block for so many when it comes to feeling attracted to your spouse.

So here’s Leanne Seel, a frequent blog reader, homeschool mom, and writer, who makes some amazing points here about the dynamics in a marriage when one spouse really needs to lose weight!

Here’s Leanne:

I’ve had a weight problem for most of my life.

Like most strugglers, I’ve gone up and down over the years. I can tell you the calorie count in most foods, have spent countless hours exercising, and I know about chocolate’s secret super-power of being able to call you from the pantry.

Sheila’s recent posts about weight here and here got me thinking about this lifelong struggle, its effects, and what a spouse can do that is actually helpful.

So, here are my top 10 ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue.

1. Remember that it’s your spouse’s issue, not yours

Any change that your spouse is going to make has to come from within. You cannot force it or nag it into place. If you start taking too much ownership of your spouse’s body issues, not only is that unhealthy for you, it will actually make things worse for your spouse. They will feel like they are adding yet another burden on to you.

2. Remember Thumper

Thumper the rabbit wisely said:

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.

If you don’t have something encouraging to say to your spouse as they work on their weight problem, don’t say anything at all.

When was the last time you made a lasting change for yourself because of someone else nagging you? Making critical comments about your spouse’s appearance will not motivate them to change, and is actually more likely to cause destructive behaviours – either because your spouse is ashamed or because your comments are making them angry and they want to spite you. Either way, it’s not healthy for your spouse or your marriage. Keep your negative, critical thoughts to yourself.

Making comments about the bodies of other men/women and talking about how good they look compared to the person you’re married to is not going to motivate your spouse to change either. Definitely NOT helpful.

It’s also better to keep your mouth shut when you’re tempted to comment on things your spouse is eating. Trying to control what they eat won’t work. Your spouse needs to make daily eating decisions for themselves.

The only time I can think of when it might be helpful to speak up is when your spouse is in denial – they are not actually dealing with a weight issue as the title of this post suggests – they are ignoring it. Maybe your spouse is clearly obese, but thinks they are fit. Maybe they are passing on unhealthy eating habits to your children. In those cases, I would definitely say something. Exactly what would depend on the situation. If I were in denial, I would want my spouse to start a conversation on a reasonably relaxed day with:

I’m concerned about … Do you have any thoughts about it?

That approach may not work with every spouse, but it’s somewhere to start.

If your spouse is actively working on their health, you do not need to give your opinion on what they are doing unless they ask you directly for it.

3. Quietly set a good example

Make healthy food choices yourself. Exercise. Get to bed at a decent hour. Do all this without broadcasting it, and the behaviour may just catch on. Sound hard to do? It is – even when you’re healthy to start with. Now imagine how hard it would be if you felt like your whole body & genetic makeup were working against you, and you’ll have a miniscule insight into just how much of a struggle your spouse faces every single day.

4. Watch for triggers and for goodness sakes try not to be one!

There are all kinds of things that can trigger overeating for someone who is struggling. Stress, boredom, loneliness, conflict, fatigue – or even some positive things like celebrations and social gatherings. Find out what your spouse’s triggers are. In private on a reasonably relaxed day, ask them – gently.

Helpful: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been really trying to make healthy choices lately. Are there certain situations that make that more difficult for you to do?”

Not helpful: “What causes you to binge eat?”

When you figure out what your spouse’s triggers are, can you think of ways that you can help them without nagging? If your spouse really struggles with overeating when they are bored, can you plan some fun activities together? If they struggle when they are stressed, are you able to take some things off their plate? Or can you help them relieve their stress in healthy ways – with sex and/or exercise, for example?

I’m not saying to rearrange your entire life to your own detriment – we can’t possibly meet all of our spouse’s needs. I’m just asking if there are small things that could be done differently to everyone’s benefit.

5. Don’t bring junk food into the house

If you know your spouse has a donut addiction, bringing a dozen home for breakfast is just plain mean. If you really want a donut, eat one when you’re away from the house. Recycle the box it came in before you get home. Don’t lie to your spouse, but don’t put their vice under their nose either.

If your spouse does the grocery shopping, don’t ask them to buy junk food – even if it’s “just for you.” The junk can stay at the store.

If you do the grocery shopping, buy stuff that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.

When we were first married, my husband did the grocery shopping. Included in the items he came home with the first week was a package of Fudgee-O cookies. Now I was old enough to know that I could not have Fudgee-O’s in my kitchen. I explained this to my new husband, but he didn’t get it. To him, having a few cookies after work was no big deal. He didn’t understand that for me, it would never be 2-3 per day. If I ate even one, I could easily plow through the whole bag within a day. I should have pushed the point, but I didn’t. I second-guessed my own experience and the cookies went into the cupboard.

Well, 7 pounds later, I pleaded with him to please take the cookies to work so he could have them at lunch instead. I appealed to his math brain: 60 calories per cookie x 3 per day = 18.77 pounds per year. The lightbulb went on and he got it. The cookies were never to be seen again.

He learned to trust me when I ask him not to bring specific things into the house, and has honoured every request since without complaint. I learned that I should never, ever take food advice from someone who doesn’t know about chocolate’s secret super power.

6. Be happy when a healthy meal is put in front of you.

If your spouse does the cooking and tries to make something healthy, be happy about their effort.

Helpful: “This looks delicious!” If delicious is a bit of a stretch, try “This looks interesting – how did you make it?” Mean what you say. Don’t lie or patronize.

Not helpful: “What is this rabbit food?! I thought Tuesdays were for chicken-fried steak and potatoes with gravy?”

For a spouse who’s trying to eat healthy food, it can be incredibly discouraging to have a husband or wife who complains about what they are being served. This in itself can be enough to completely derail a healthy eating plan.

That being said, once you’ve eaten the meal, if you don’t like it, speak up. “That wasn’t my favourite – I prefer the stir-fry you made last week.” Be honest about what you think. There are other healthy recipes out there that you will both like.

If you do the cooking, make food that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.

7. Grant reasonable requests for accommodations for a healthy lifestyle

This will look different in every situation. Maybe it means looking after your kids so your spouse has time to hit the gym. Or, if your spouse manages to get to strollercise in the morning, maybe they need some de-stressing time at the end of the day, or time to make a proper meal plan. Whatever it is, if you can reasonably give it to them, do it.

Sometimes making accommodations involves one-off things here and there. We recently took a family day trip to an amusement park. We were packing lunches to take with us and I didn’t have what I needed for me, so I asked my husband if we could stop on the way to pick up a pre-made salad at the grocery store.

Helpful: “Sure, no problem. That will only take a few minutes. I’ll wait in the car with the kids while you run in.”

Not helpful: “That’s five minutes out of the way in each direction. We were supposed to get there at 10. Traffic is going to be bad. We’re on a tight deadline as it is.”

Those of us who struggle with our weight often find it extra difficult to ask for what we need. I’m not sure if it’s because we have subconsciously bought into the cultural idea that we are second-class citizens, or if we had trouble voicing our needs to begin with and the extra weight is a manifestation of that difficulty. For whatever reason, it often takes a lot of agony just to voice a request. If a voiced need is abruptly dismissed without any thought, it can cut pretty deep – particularly when it’s something that is relatively simple to accommodate. Am I not even worth a 10-minute detour for an outing that isn’t really time sensitive?

So stop and think before answering without thinking. If you can reasonably make the accommodation, do it. If you can’t, validate the request before saying no. “I really want to give you time to get to the gym today because I know how important it is for you. I have a meeting with my boss until 6 tonight. Could we switch things around so you can go after dinner this time?”

8. Recognize how difficult this is for your spouse

Remember that it’s rarely about the food. Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s something else going on. Genetics, metabolic conditions, medications, and age can also pack on the pounds. In all likelihood, it’s a combination of different things that is adding up to your spouse’s difficulty in losing weight.

You can help in this area by validating their feelings of frustration if they vent them to you, while staying positive.

Helpful: “I get that this is difficult/frustrating/stressful. If it were easy, nobody would have a weight problem. I have seen your strength and determination before. If anyone can get victory over this in spite of the constant obstacles, it’s you.”

Not helpful: “I don’t get why this is so hard for you. Just stop with the cookies already.”

9. Accept your spouse the way they are

If your spouse were not able to lose a pound, would you still want to be married to them? Oh, I hope so. If the answer is no, then please get help – with your own attitudes and/or the other issues going on in your marriage.

Tell your spouse what you love about them. Express gratitude for the things they do. Affirm their character. Point out what you love about their body.

10. Pray for wisdom

I may not have mentioned exactly what your spouse needs, but God knows. Pray for your spouse, for your marriage, and for wisdom for both of you.

So, there you have it. Ten ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue. What would you add to this list? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Top 10 Ways to Support a Spouse Struggling to Lose Weight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can how we see our bodies affect our sex lives more than how our bodies actually look?

For women, I’ve said again and again: our brains are our biggest sex organ. And what often gets in the way of our sex drive is the way we think about our bodies. When we start believing all these lies about how we should look, we are focusing on only the physical. And sex starts feeling more like a chore than anything else!

That’s why I’m so excited to have Jackie on the blog today! She’s talking about how to boost your libido by simply changing some of these ways we think. I love how she ties all this back to God so well!

Here’s Jackie!

My husband and I recently returned from a military marriage retreat led by one of his favorite pastors, who walked us through the Song of Solomon as a guide to flourishing marriage.

A big theme was the delight of the woman’s body to the man, and how she was to be encouraged to trust him and share it.

A lovely concept, but I knew from my own story that there was so much more to it than that.

And sure enough, during an anonymous Q&A session, a woman asked what to do if her body was no longer viewed as lovely and delightful by herself or her husband.

The pastor gave the best answer he could, but my stomach turned, because I desperately wanted to find that woman and tell her everything I have learned over the past decade.

You see, for years I detested the very topic of sex.

Innocent little jokes would shut me down into an internal rage, and I had vowed to never share my body with any man.

What I didn’t realize was that this was a wound combining two of Satan’s favorite playgrounds – how we care for our physical bodies, and sex. And both centered around the target of the female body – arguably God’s greatest masterpiece, and the focus of so many of Satan’s lies.

A long journey of studying, prayer, tears, and healing led me to a place where I loved my body as it was, and cared for it into being well.

And what I realized along the way was that one of the greatest reasons for my anger toward sex was what I now call body shame.

How could I even begin to want to joyfully share my body with a husband when I loathed it myself?

I now coach women who struggle with libido issues through one of the first shifts toward loving and craving sex in a godly way: body stewardship.

Body stewardship is a massive topic, but I’ll break it down here into five key realizations, and five key practices, that will set you on the to path to loving your body and wanting to share it!

There are 5 key things to understand:

1. Your body belongs to God

This is body stewardship: the reality that God created our bodies, and bought them back for His purposes and use when Christ died for us on the cross. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

This truth insists that we stop bashing and mistreating the bodies that have been placed in our care, and figure out how to think of them and treat them in a way that honors God.

2. We are designed to crave glorified bodies 

Our bodies will be redeemed and perfected when Christ comes to make everything as it should be (Philippians 3:20-21). Somewhere, deep down in our design, we know this, and even nonbelievers long for this glorification and are drawn to tastes of it in culture.

If you’ve ever wondered why there is such an obsession with perfected, literally airbrushed bodies, I believe it is this: we have this unquenchable hope and craving for the way things should be, and will be.

We are trying to teach people to be satisfied with imperfect bodies with the argument that this is what is normal and natural. And it is what is normal and natural – this side of heaven, in a broken world.

But we were not designed for this world – we were designed for the kingdom that is coming, and in that kingdom, our bodies will be glorified, and we will be attractive. (Zechariah 9:17)

What do you do with this realization? Have awareness of where the these cravings for an ideal body are coming from, and grace toward yourself both for wanting it, and not being able to achieve it yet.

3. The female body represents salvation, and is one of Satan’s top targets 

Oh, this is a biggie. Think with me for a second through some of the steps of salvation: we accept in something which we cannot produce ourselves – in this case, salvation and grace from God through Christ – and by welcoming it and receiving it into ourselves, new life is birthed in us and out into the world.

This is also the act of sex and conception from the female perspective, isn’t it?

Of course Satan would target the receptiveness and life-giving power of the female body – it’s a powerful metaphor for the salvation he is trying to keep people from. 

4. God gave YOU sex as a gift

Sex is so often presented as something made for men that women have to tolerate, but this could not be farther from the truth.

Not to go into frank anatomy, but there are some design features on the female body that make it pretty obvious that God wants women to enjoy sex – possibly even more than men!

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please reach out to me and we can go into more detail in a girls-only space!

5. Body Shame is tricky – and crippling

So, why is this all so hard? Let’s take it back to Genesis.

One of the first effects of the fall was that Adam and Eve hid their bodies – from God, from themselves, and from each other. (Genesis 3:7)

They were ashamed of their naked bodies, and ever since, our intimate relationships with our Creator and with our spouses have been plagued with insecurities and distance.

Christ has taken our shame away, but it takes practice to live that truth out. So when negative thoughts about your body hit, show yourself some grace: these insecurities are one of the foundational effects of original sin.

Now that we’ve got those down, here are 5 things to do: 

1. Reclaim your body

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the world has a million messages about what the female body is for, and little of it is Biblically true or in our best interest.

Everything from being pressured to look like Barbie, to being the target of brutal attacks and abuse – the female body is often at the heart of some of society’s greatest tragedies.

So what’s a girl to do?

The best way to cope in such unfriendly territory is to reclaim your body as Christ’s and see it through the lens of the Gospel: loved unconditionally exactly as it is, and deeply wanted. And, capable of incredible good works in the world through a lifelong process of sanctification.

2. Set a Vision

When you feel miles away from the body you long for, having a vision – perhaps for the next few months, perhaps for your ultimate goals, or perhaps a mix of both – of what you want and feel called to create with your body can keep you going and focused.

Whether it’s pictures of fit and joyful women on your vision board, or following some wellness gurus on your Instagram, find specific things that will motivate you when discouragement or complacency hits.

3. Cultural Detox

In order to set and stick to a compelling vision without having body shame kick in, it can be helpful to cut out the junk in your media diet for a while.

Movies, magazines, music and TV shows – as well as some social media – that sends you into a spiral of comparison, anger, or inadequacy is better left alone while you work on healing your heart and body.

4. Purify your foods

I lead a group of women through an ongoing ‘Pure Eating Challenge’ because we have been so trained to avoid fats, count calories, and eat in a restrict-then-binge cycle that it’s hard to know what to eat at all!

Pure eating is an art form, and consists of transitioning to natural sweeteners like stevia that don’t throw off our hunger hormones, and eating God-created foods in single-ingredient form as close to the way they were made as we can.

This can actually be shockingly tasty, and the energy, weight loss, and stable hunger and moods it creates only makes the process easier as you go along.

If you’re interested in joining us for one of our pure eating challenges, let me know and I’ll send you all the details.

5. Move in a way you love

Like food, when we start to workout as part of a body stewardship plan, we can throw ourselves into an aggressive, all-or-nothing plan based on someone else’s suggestions that don’t suit our body. The result? We rarely maintain it.

The solution? Figure out what kind of movement you love, and that suits your body’s current needs, and ease it into your life in a way that doesn’t so disrupt your schedule that it gets pushed aside.

If you take one thing away from this post (ok, two things!) please, gorgeous and beloved one, let it be this:

One, God adores your body! (Remember, it’s His!) He cares about it, has His eye on it, and will protect it if you stay in His will.

And two, you have what it takes to step into a wellness that frees you from shame, inspires others, and makes you…well, want to tell your husband to get home early tonight!

Learn to steward your body well, step into your gorgeous sexuality as a woman of God, and the joy and health that will come will amaze you – and bless everyone around you!

Jackie Dixon is a health and intimacy coach and the creator of the Body Stewardship course. Get a free copy of her upcoming book, The Bombshell Manifesto: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Being Fiercely Feminine, when it launches on Amazon December 12: bit.ly/bombshellmanifesto.

The post 10 Ways to Love Your Body–and Want to Share it With Your Husband! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I firmly believe that the main reason so many of us struggle with weight is that we don’t understand it.

And this desire to “lose weight” too often manifests itself in this attitude where food and your body are the enemy, and you have to defeat them.

That’s depressing. That’s a losing game. And it’s really unhealthy.

I also think it’s demeaning. It’s like we women don’t think we’re worth much if we put on extra pounds. And so we have to go back to some magical number on the scale that we may have hit back when we were 17, as if the pinnacle of our lives was before we had kids, before we matured, before we were actually, you know, women.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather be in pyjamas right now still on vacation. I was originally going to take a break from this blog until January 2, because I really wanted some time off.

But something’s happening right now that I just had to tell you about because it’s so important, and it transformed my life. And I just don’t want you all to miss it.

I used to vow to lose weight every New Year’s. I didn’t have a lot to lose, mind you, but I spend my 30s creeping up by a few pounds a year, which, after 10 years, can easily be 25 pounds. And I had to lose it. I tried to exercise. As I explained in this post, I tried to count Weight Watchers points and save up so that I could have the occasional piece of chocolate cake. And my weight kept going up, and I kept feeling awful about myself.

I also thought all those people who bought food from the organic section of the supermarket were rather ridiculous health nuts. They were going overboard on stuff that didn’t really matter.

And then my stomach pains started, and my periods got so bad I actually ended up needing surgery.

Around that time I started learning about the Ultimate Bundles people–people who are now my friends.

Ryan and Stephanie Langford started them, and their goal was to gather the absolute BEST online materials on different subjects, and then offer them all together for a five day period for a ridiculously low price. Plus they’d get businesses to offer physical bonuses! It was a way to help online entrepreneurs (like me) who create products get a bigger audience, but also a way to give consumers an incredible deal.

Because most of these bundles are worth about $2000, but they sell them for $29.97.

One of those bundles was the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle. It’s offered every year (though the resources in it change completely each year), and I bought my first one four years ago. It changed everything.

I learned that the reason that I’ve been having trouble losing weight is that I’ve been focusing on losing weight.

I’ve been focusing on depriving my body, rather than focusing on giving my body what it needs, and NOT giving my body what it doesn’t need. I learned that my body actually needs certain fats (olive oil, nuts, avocadoes, coconut, fish, etc.), and that low-fat foods (like low-fat dairy) are actually bad for you. I learned that the problem with weight is not so much calories themselves as where you get those calories from.

Too often we put things inside our bodies that our bodies can’t process properly. Take preservatives, for instance. They are an absolutely amazing invention. I am completely pro-preservative, because it allowed people to have a steady food supply even in winter. It allows us to get food to people who would otherwise starve. Preservatives allow people short on food to actually get food.

But that’s where the benefit stops. If your biggest problem is no longer lack of food, then preservatives become the enemy. Here’s why. Preservatives stop bacteria from breaking down food, so that it doesn’t spoil and it lasts longer. So far, so good. But how does our body get nutrition from food? Bacteria breaks it down. When your body is trying to process food with preservatives, it doesn’t know what to do and it can’t get the nutrition properly. So it just stores it as fat. And you get very little nutrition from it.

I learned that most of my stomach problems were caused from eating at restaurants and from eating canned goods. So I simply switched to real foods, and stopped eating preservatives and stopped going to restaurants so much, and my weight dropped overnight without me trying to deprive myself.

And I learned about the benefits of essential oils, too!

I love them. I clean with them. I set up my aromatherapy machine with them.

Every year the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is available, and every year it has completely different resources in it. This year the bundle had all kinds of amazing courses that taught me about the role that hormones play in our libido and in our digestion and in our health, stuff that I had never understood before. I learned that a lot of anxiety can actually be managed by diet (not that people shouldn’t be on antidepressants if they need them, mind you!). I learned how to get better skin.

It’s the absolute BEST collection I’ve ever seen. It was available in September for five days, and I sent out some emails about it.

But it’s back today for a flash sale. It’s gone tonight at midnight.

And so I decided that despite the Christmas holidays and despite my urge to be in pyjamas, I would tell you about it before it’s gone.

Because it really did change my life, and it changed my whole focus on weight to something that is so much emotionally healthier and more manageable.

The neat thing about the flash sale is that when you buy the Healthy Living Bundle for $29.97, you get the opportunity to ALSO add the Essential Oils Super Bundle for just $15. So for $45 you can get about $3000 worth of ebooks and ecourses on healthy living and essential oils, plus about $250 in physical bonuses that can come right to your door.

Seriously, there is so much to love in this bundle! The vast majority of it is digital products (like ebooks, printables and courses) that you can access right away, but look at what is delivered right to your door:

• Green Kid Crafts – FREE craft box ($19.95 value)
• Perfect Supplements – $15 gift certificate toward any Perfect Brand product ($15 value)
• TriLight Health – $15 off select TriLight products ($15 value)
• MadeOn Skin Care – FREE BeeCool Muscle Balm Stick and Natural Lip Balm Combo (value $15.25)
• The Maca Team – FREE Organic Gelatinized Yellow Maca Powder, 8 oz. ($15.44 value)
• Get Kombucha – FREE 2-week supply (15 ml) of Kombucha Pro: Liquid Probiotics (value $29.99) OR FREE 1-ounce bag of Custom Organic Kombucha Tea Blend (value $16.99)
• Orglamix – FREE Mineral Eye Shadow Trio ($18 value)
• Grove Co. – FREE Seventh Generation Laundry Detergent, Fabric Softener and stain remover, 60 Day VIP Trial, and FREE shipping with a $20 minimum purchase for new customers ($32.66 value) OR a FREE 1-year VIP Membership for existing customers ($39.95 value)
• Meal Garden – 6 months of Meal Garden FREE (value $35.70)

This is how I think about it: I get $30 of probiotics and $33 worth of laundry detergent, which in and of itself pays for both the essential oils and healthy living bundles.

Plus I also get all these resources:

Some of my favourite ones are in the women’s health department. When the bundle was for sale in September, I actually bought 6 myself to give to the people who work for me, my sister-in-law, and my daughters, just because of the Perfect Periods ecourse, which is amazing:

I took it and it had this self-assessment which correctly diagnosed my liver issues and my hormone issues, and then told me what to do (and I feel so much better!).

Of course, there’s more than just the Perfect Periods ecourse, but that course normally sells for $297. Yep, you read that right. Almost $300 (there’s a LOT of information), but just today it’s part of the bundle, and you get it plus everything else for just $29.97.

And that everything else includes meal plans, books on how to get kids to eat healthy, courses on how to exercise at home, alternative health, how to use essential oils, and so much more!

But the flash sale is over today, and then this combination of products will never be offered together again like this. The only reason they’re able to offer $2400 worth of stuff for $29.97 is because it’s for such a limited time.

And I didn’t want you to miss it, because this is probably the thing that has changed my attitude towards my body the most over the last decade, and has even helped me understand my libido fluctuations more.

So don’t miss it! If you want to make a New Year’s Resolution about your weight, how about trying this instead?

This New Year’s, I will learn about health. I will read a few books and take a few courses and just change a very few things, and I will see what happens.

That’s more manageable. That doesn’t make you feel like you’re inadequate or that you were better when you were 17. That’s empowering. And that’s the way to make real change!

The post Please Don’t Resolve to Lose Weight This New Year’s appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Do you find it hard to get comfortable with your body?

And is part of the problem that you just don’t understand how your body works?

A reader just sent me this question:

Recently I was talking to some friends and we agreed that growing up as conservative Christians we didn’t always receive the best education on sex or even the basics of how our bodies are supposed to work. This is especially true when it comes to integrating physical and spiritual health. We’ve done our own research, but we would love to find more good resources that address these issues from a Christian perspective.

So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d list 10 resources that can really help you understand your body better and even feel comfortable with your body. So many of us grow up with a lot of shame, and it’s time to combat that! I’m going to list 10 things that I think are really helpful. Zero in on the one or two that address things you struggle with the most, and check them out!

And thanks to the many people who have suggested many of these resources to me! These are all reader-approved and reader-recommended, so I hope you find them useful, too!

1. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Of course every woman needs The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! My most popular book, it covers how God made sex to be awesome in 3 ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And it tells you how to get to awesome, too, if you’re just not there yet!

I think as Christians we perhaps talk about the spiritual aspect mostly, and we do it in ways that aren’t really necessarily that helpful to people: “Sex is so beautiful when it’s between two married people!” (Yes, but what does BEAUTIFUL actually mean? And HOW is it beautiful?). “Making love is so profound.” (Yes, but isn’t it supposed to feel good, too?).

If you’re like this woman and you grew up in a very conservative household where sex just wasn’t talked about, then you definitely need this book! I’ve had people write to me who thought something was wrong with their sex life but they couldn’t even articulate it. It turns out they didn’t know where the vagina was (one woman thought it was supposed to go into her belly button). Another couple had never consummated their marriage because it turns out he wasn’t getting erections. But they didn’t know that!

But even if you’re not naive, The Good Girl’s Guide can help you see sex as far more than just physical, and it can help you experience the profound nature of sex, too. And it’s written like I’m just a fun big sister talking to you, so it’s not embarrassing or anything.

Check it out here!

2. Dr. Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health

It’s like a health version of The Good Girl’s Guide–but instead of just addressing sex, Dr. Carol looks at all aspects of a woman’s body, and what you need to know.

Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeing will help women feel as though they are talking to a trusted friend, who is also an OB-Gyn physician. This guide offers medical science, the author’s practical experience, and a faith perspective to the spectrum of physical and mental health issues women face throughout the various stages of their lives.

Some of the topics addressed include what’s normal and what’s not, pelvic/genital pain, abnormal bleeding, infertility, menopause, hormones, healthy eating, managing your weight, staying younger longer, diseases that especially affect women, women’s mental health, healthy sexuality, healthy spirituality, and more. It’s all you need to “get” your body!

3. Taking Charge of Your Fertility

6. Trim Healthy Mama

Do you struggle with your weight? Have you tried everything to lose weight, but feel hopeless? Or are you simply overwhelmed with all the information on sugar and hormones and low carb/low fat/vegan/supplements and all that other stuff on the internet?

I have so many readers who swear by Trim Healthy Mama. They have an awesome program to help you understand how your unique body works, along with recipes, podcasts, and more.

See them here!

7. Getting a Massage–or Learning to Give a Great Massage!

Often we feel so awkward in our bodies that our bodies themselves start to seem very negative. So how do you start feeling positive about your body? Let it feel absolutely amazing.

I find massages are almost indispensable to feeling well. I have a lot of back and posture issues, but my husband and I make it a point to do some serious massage sessions a few times a week (and having them naked is always fun!), and that helps a tremendous amount.

Many sexual assault survivors and abuse survivors find that learning to give and receive massages is also a way to get comfortable with touch again.

The post 10 Resources to Help You Get More Comfortable with Your Body appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How many times have you heard calls for women to dress modestly in terms of “you don’t want to be a stumbling block”?

Phew. This has been a tiring week on the blog–and I knew it would be. I’ve been talking about how the idea that all men will lust is wrong, and how we need to reframe the way we talk about lust and sex.

Today I want to end this topic and move on (I’m so looking forward to our July Sizzling Summer Sex series!).

But there is one more thing I really need to deal with, and it’s the idea that women can “cause a man to sin” by what they wear.

Today, let’s look at what Scripture actually says, and find a healthier way to talk about modesty that accomplishes our goals of getting both genders to act respectfully towards each other.

I’m passionate about this, because I blog primarily about sex and marriage from a Christian point of view. When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it was because I feared that women were believing such shameful messages about sex, and it was all so unnecessary–because there’s a better way to talk about it. I hope I can help us get to that better way today!

What is The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex About?

Billions of people have had sex.

I don’t know how many have really made love.

And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!

If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!

You were meant for more. Consider it the most fun research project you’ll have with your husband!

First, I would hope we would all agree that Jesus lays the blame for lust at the man’s feet.

As I showed at length on Tuesday talking about “every man’s battle“, Jesus says that if a man lusts after a woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart. And it is better to cut out his eye than to lust.

He never once says that it is the woman’s fault.

But here’s where we throw in a caveat:

Yes, Jesus may have said that lust is the guy’s sin. But the Bible also says that causing him to sin is the woman’s sin!

We say that we believe that there’s no excuse for lust. But then we’re quick to point out that women really are to blame because of how they dress.

People use several main Scriptures for this idea, but I’m going to focus on two today, since all the Scriptures basically echo one of these two approaches. 1 Corinthians 8 focuses on not causing your weaker brother to stumble, and then Matthew 18:6-9 focuses on how it’s better to have a millstone around your neck than to cause a little one to stumble. Let’s look at how both of these arguments relate to whether it is the woman’s fault if a man lusts after her.

The Weaker Brother Argument: We should change our behaviour to look after the weaker brother so that he doesn’t stumble

In Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8, Paul is making the “weaker brother” argument. Paul says that once we’re in Christ, we have great freedom. We can eat meat sacrificed to idols, for instance, because we no longer have any idols. God is over all.

But if you have a brother or sister who thinks that it’s wrong to eat meat sacrificed to idols, and you glibly do eat meat like that, and they follow you–then you’ve now encouraged them to violate their own consciences. You’ve caused them to stumble.

In other words, the “stumbling” that Paul is talking about is not committing an actual sin, like lusting or stealing or lying, but violating your conscience and your vow to God. So the concern is this passage is that we cause someone to stumble when we undermine their faith.

Paul is not addressing the scenario where a woman may cause a man to lust

Please hear me on this one, because this distinction is important (and major hat tip to Keith Schooley in Monday’s comments for reminding me of this):  While Paul is talking about how we can sin against someone by being a stumbling block, he is NOT saying that we bear the responsibility for someone committing a sin. He IS saying that we bear the responsibility for weakening someone’s faith.

So can a woman weaken a guy’s faith by what she wears?

Yes, I think she can. If a woman deliberately decides to exercise her freedom in Christ in front of her male brothers who are really struggling, and does so knowing that they are struggling (which is the scenario that Paul lays out here), she can make him think, “I really can’t get over this sin.” And she can cause his faith to weaken.

So, “Yes, this passage applies!”

But it’s not that simple.

Who is the “Weaker Brother” in this Story?

We think of the “weaker brother” as being one who is more susceptible to sin. That is NOT who Paul considers the weaker brother. In this case, Paul calls the “weaker brother” the one who does not have as much knowledge and the one who is not as mature in the faith.

In many cases, teenage girls are being asked to change what they wear for the sake of adult men who are pastors, elders, even family members! When I was on Up for Debate radio on Moody recently talking about modesty, this scenario was presented:

What do we do when a woman who is seeking walks into church wearing something really inappropriate, like a skimpy sundress? How do we tell her that she’s a stumbling block?

My response: You don’t! Because in this situation, SHE is the weaker brother. The men are more mature in the faith. It’s her faith that God is most concerned with. He leaves the 99 to find the 1.

What if setting a modesty dress code actually becomes a stumbling block for women because it weakens their faith?

If women can be the weaker brother, then let’s see if this Scripture actually can be turned on its head with the modesty issue.

Here’s a comment that was left on my post on Monday about men being visual:

When I was a teacher at a Christian school in my 20s I ended up on the “dress code committee” in charge of revisions to the existing dress code. Because the building was not air conditioned, they had decided to allow shorts in warm weather months (early fall and late spring). We had to determine an appropriate length. In the course of the discussions, I was forced to stand up and be the example of why longer shorts were better. The administrator in the group explained to the room that I was a good example of the problem with shorts as my legs were “just too long” and no matter what I wore, unless it was a long baggy skirt, I would be a “stumbling block for men” and my body was “really just a problem”.

I can’t tell you how damaging it is to be told BY YOUR BOSS that God made you wrong and your existence is essentially a “problem” for every male person you ever meet.

Whose faith was being weakened in this scenario? The men’s, who were worried about this woman’s legs? Or the woman’s, who was being told that God made a mistake when He made her?

Or here’s a comment that was left on Facebook about the same post:

I was weeks away from my 21st birthday. I had recently moved to a new area. I was attending a wedding. The first I had been to after my engagement fell apart. I shopped for weeks looking for a dress I felt beautiful in. I was sitting at a table with the only people at the shindig I knew. There was an older lady (mid to late 70s) whom I was greatly looking forward to getting to meet because I had heard about her kindness and grace. She sat next to me and informed me I needed to find somewhere else to sit because my dress was too low and it was making her husband uncomfortable. I was shocked. I immediately left and cried in the parking lot before driving myself home. About 10 years later I pulled that dress out of storage. Resting my pointer finger on my collar bone my ring finger touched the neckline of the dress. It was then I realized my clothing was not the issue.

In this scenario, whose faith is being weakened? The 70-something man who had been a Christian his whole life, or the 21-year-old grieving woman with a heart to be accepted into Christian community?

Or how about this one, also left on the Facebook post:

When I was 16 I was told to put a sweater on at Christian school because my figure was causing a male teacher to stumble. I was dressed within our dress code and nothing inappropriate was showing. I matured early and there was no hiding it, nor should I have had to. My parents tried to find a solution with that staff member and his solution was for me to get to school early so that we could “pray for my soul” together before classes started. Luckily my parents had discernment and pulled me out of that school, but I was ashamed of my body and have struggled since with body image, allowing true intimacy in my marriage, etc. as a result of that experience.

If we want to use the “don’t cause a weaker brother to stumble” passages to address modesty dress codes, then, we must be intellectually honest and say that while we don’t want men’s faith weakened, we must also never, ever cause women’s faith to weaken by saying there is something inherently evil about their bodies.

The “Causing a Little One to Stumble” Argument

In Matthew 18:6-9, Jesus says this:

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. ⁷ Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! ⁸ If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

Unlike the Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8 passages, here we are talking about causing someone to commit an actual sin, not just weakening the faith. This passage, at face value, does look like it can be applied to the scenario where a woman can cause a man to lust. So what can we learn about modesty dress codes from this passage?

Jesus is referring to a deliberate action that lures someone away from Him.

In this scenario, I don’t believe that Jesus is talking about causing someone to sin by accident. Indeed, in the Old Testament there were “cities of refuge” for those who had caused bloodshed by accident, and those people were treated very differently from those who had deliberately shed blood.

In everything, the state of our hearts matter. So if we are deliberately dressing in such a way that we are aiming to entice men to lust, then we are sinning. Period. Absolutely. We should not wear attire with the intention of causing men’s thoughts to wander or with trying to seduce anyone. In that scenario, it certainly is better to have a millstone placed around our necks and be thrown into the sea.

But what if that’s not our intention when we get dressed?

When I was on Up for Debate radio, a woman called in with this comment (and I’m typing this from memory):

I was once in church and I saw an absolutely gorgeous woman. For a minute I felt really jealous, because I’m a larger woman. And I asked God, “Why can’t I look like her?” And God told me, “Be grateful, because you don’t cause men to sin the way that she does.”

She may have believed that that was God’s voice, but I firmly believe that it wasn’t. This woman was saying that another female, through no fault of her own, caused men to sin simply because of how her body looked. And God saw her body as a source of evil.

Follow that argument logically, and what you have is this:

Some people, even if they love God with their heart, soul, mind, and strength, will cause people to sin simply because of who they are and how they were made.

Even if they do nothing, they are a stumbling block that may cause someone to sin.

Yet what does God say about stumbling blocks in this passage?

That it would be better for them to have a millstone tied around their neck and be thrown into the sea.

Is that what we really believe? That a woman, through no fault of her own other than simply existing, would be better off if she were thrown into the sea because of the effect she has on the men around her?

I would hope not! Yet, logically, that is where this argument goes. Women’s bodies are inherently sinful; therefore women are inherently bad because they cause others to stumble. And so it would be better for them to be thrown into the sea.

Now there might actually be some who agree with this logic. But aside from being completely oppressive, it also doesn’t hold up if you read the verses following. That’s because:

Even in this scenario, Jesus puts the responsibility on the one sinning

Yes, the person who causes the sin would be better off thrown into the sea. But then what does Jesus say is the solution?

He points back to the person who is sinning. In the very next verses, He says, “if your eye causes you to stumble, gauge it out.”

Jesus never lays the responsibility for sin at someone else’s feet

Even in the passages that we often use to claim that women’s clothing choices can cause men to sin, God still does not lay the blame at women’s feet! If anything, we should be using those passages to show that women’s faith matters, too, and that we should never put undue burdens on women for other people’s sin.

So What Can We Conclude About these Two Stumbling Block Passages?

These passages appear to be saying that it is wrong for women to deliberately dress in order to entice men to lust, both because that can weaken their faith and can cause him to sin. However, the passages also say that it is wrong to shame women about their bodies. In addition, Scripture clearly says that women are not to blame if a man actually does lust, and that if a man lusts just because of the way a woman looks, when she is not deliberately trying to get him to do anything, then that is entirely on him.

Saying definitively, then, that women bear the responsibility for men’s consciences because of the “do not cause a brother to stumble” just doesn’t hold up biblically.

Okay, then. So do we do nothing about modesty? Just like yesterday I presented a better way to talk about men’s sexual needs than the “obligation sex” message, so today I would like to present a better way to talk about modesty than the “don’t be a stumbling block” message.

A Better Way to Talk About Modesty

Here’s what 1 Timothy 2:8-9 says:

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, ¹⁰ but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

Now, in that context, modesty wasn’t primarily about not being sexually alluring as much as it was about not flaunting one’s wealth. You can see that this is Paul’s primary concern because he goes on to talk about things which obviously cost a lot of money (jewelry, certain clothing, hairstylists) rather than about hiding a woman’s figure. This wasn’t about body shaming women; this was about ensuring that Christians were approachable, appropriate, and open to all, so that they were good witnesses for Christ. We have interpreted this passage to be about lust when really it wasn’t. It was about dressing so that we honour Christ.

So here’s a recipe for modern day modesty:

I simply ask myself these three questions (and these are what I talked to my daughters about, too):

1. Who am I dressing for? Am I dressing to impress a guy? Am I dressing to impress my girlfriends on Instagram? Or am I dressing to show respect for myself and my Saviour?
2. What is the first impression people have when they look at me? How will people characterize me based on what I’m wearing?
3. Am I approachable, friendly, and open? Do I look like I welcome conversation and healthy relationship? Am I on par with others whom I will be with? Or does my clothing set me apart from others?

Like this? Pin it to spread the non-shaming message!

Look, despite all I’ve written about how we shouldn’t blame men’s sin on women’s clothing choices, I’m totally appalled by what some teenage girls and some women wear. I share the angst that many people have about “how do we help people understand that some clothing choices are just plain bad?” I really do.

But I think that there is a healthy way of addressing this, and an unhealthy one. I believe that if we ask my three questions, we get to the heart of the matter: how do I best reflect my Saviour? In all things, am I doing this to please God or to for other reasons? Am I a good ambassador for Him?

When we instead try to focus on rules which address girls’ bodies, though, we can easily cause shame. Besides, that approach ONLY deals with the sexual issue, and not even the main question that Paul was directing towards Timothy in his letters–whether women were dressing to appear stand-offish and better than other people by flaunting wealth.

So let’s stop framing things in terms of sexual shame, and start pointing people, as always, towards Jesus and reflecting Him. Then we’ll cure the clothing problem, help create a healthier, more welcoming atmosphere, all while not shaming women into thinking that they are inherently evil, just because of how they were made.

And that’s it! The series on body shaming women is now over! It’s been a long week. But I’ve so appreciated your comments, and let me know what you think!

Other posts in this series:
Monday: Men are Visual, but does that mean all men lust?
Tuesday: Why the “Every Man’s Battle” Idea Backfires
Wednesday: 12 Ways to Help Christian Men Stop Lusting
Thursday: How Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs without Shaming Women (this was really the heart of what I was saying all week!)

The post Why “Don’t Be a Stumbling Block” is A Really Bad Modesty Message appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Body image is such a huge issue for adult women. But it’s even more so for teenage girls!

Right now my daughters are putting the finishing touches on an online course that moms can use to help teach their daughters about sex, puberty, and growing up (you’ll hear all about it in about 3 weeks!) And so we’ve been having all these conversations back and forth about the real messages that we want young girls to understand. So this has been foremost on my brain during the month of August.

Then I heard that my friend Terri Lynne Underwood has just written a great book called Praying for Girls. I met Terri Lynne at a blogging conference a few years ago, and we had some great chats!

So when I heard that Terri Lynne’s book was coming out, I invited her to talk to us today about how to teach our daughters to appreciate their bodies. Here’s Terri Lynne:

Crooked teeth, bottle-cap glasses, and frizzy hair. That’s what she saw in the mirror. It didn’t matter that she’d long since had her braces removed, gotten contacts, and learned to style her thick hair. The mirror in the bathroom might have shown the girl she was now, but the mirror in her heart could only see what she’d been.

Even now, that girl occasionally looks in the mirror and sees the twelve-year-old version of herself. I know, because I’m that girl. And maybe you are too.

As a woman, one of my biggest struggles is not focusing on my body and how I feel about it. As a mom, one of my biggest desires is teach my daughter not to do it either.

At seventeen, my girl is past the braces and awkwardness of her tween years. But the doubts and insecurities about her appearance are still very real. As we’ve shopped for school clothes over the past few weeks, I’ve been reminded just how much what we think we see in the mirror can impact what we believe about ourselves.

What can we do as moms? How can we nurture a biblical view of body image in our daughters?

As I’ve prayed for my daughter (and her mom) to see herself the way God sees her, there are a few foundational truths I return to time and again.

1. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14 is one of the verses often applied to discussions with girls about their bodies. I have used it myself countless times to point my daughter back to the truth that her body, like her heart and mind and personality, has been carefully designed by the Creator. But I’ve also learned to remind her about the ways our bodies will change and shift (and sag) over the course of our lives. I want to remind her not to give her physical appearance more emphasis than it should have.

2. Our bodies are the temple of God.

We need to be faithful stewards, taking care of our bodies. I know for myself, and I’ve observed in my daughter, when she is eating well, exercising regularly, and getting enough rest, her concerns about her body are less prominent in her thoughts. Training ourselves to remember our bodies as the dwelling place of God (1 Corinthians 6:19) helps us keep our focus on Him. Encouraging our daughters to be attentive to their health and wellness is an excellent way to guide them to a healthy and biblical view of their bodies.

3. We are made in the image of God.

Of all the things I want my daughter to understand about herself, knowing she is made in the image of God is paramount (Genesis 1:27). Every lie our enemy and the world will try to force on our girls is rooted in that same question the serpent posed to Eve in the garden, “Did God actually say …?” (Genesis 3:1). When our girls understand and believe they have been carefully made in the image of God, that He lovingly formed them, and that He has a unique and good plan for their lives, their confidence will come not from their appearance or abilities but from His Word.

Every day our girls are bombarded with pictures of women who have been airbrushed, styled, and surgically enhanced. And every day they look at the face in the mirror and wonder if it’s enough. Our girls need us to give them biblical truth—to say to them, time and again at every age, “God really did say you are made in His image, and that image is very good.” And to pray for them, time and again at every age, to absorb the truth they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the God of all creation (Psalm 139:14).

Question: What are Scriptures you have used as a foundation for your prayers for and conversations with your daughter about her body image and view of herself? Let’s talk in the comments!

{This post includes excerpts from Teri Lynne’s new book, Praying for Girls: Asking God for the Things They Need Most, now available at LifeWay and Barnes & Noble as well as all major online retailers.}

Teri Lynne Underwood is a pastor’s wife, ministry speaker, and Bible teacher. As the mother of a teenage daughter and the founder of www.PrayersforGirls.com, Teri Lynne is a cheerleader for girl moms and the author of Praying for Girls: Asking God for the Things They Need Most.

The post 3 Truths to Teach Your Girls About their Bodies appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Do you feel frumpy?

Look, no one has to live up to society’s standard of beauty. No one needs to be a size 4. But what I’m talking about has nothing to do with your figure and everything to do with the amount of effort we decide to put into our appearance.

Why should it matter? Because deciding to look put together is also saying, “I take myself seriously. I respect myself.”

And it’s saying one other thing, too. One reader recently left this comment:

One time my hubby came home from work and I was still in my pjs. He asked if I or the kids were sick, and when I said no he asked why I wasn’t dressed. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, so why shower and get dressed? He looked at me sadly and said,”am I not worth looking nice?”. From then on I have always tried to look good for my sweetie, even if I’m not going anywhere.

It’s showing your husband respect when you look put together! Why do we try to look our best for strangers, rather than the man who is supposed to enjoy looking at us?

So welcome to Fight the Frump Week!

This is what we’re going to be talking about all week! We’re going to be looking at how to fight the frump and feel better about ourselves. We’re going to feel more put together. More organized. More ready to take on the one world! And, especially, more confident with our husbands!

I did this four years ago on the blog, too, and I’ve decided that it’s time to do it again, because it’s super important! How we present ourselves is an extension of how we see ourselves. And when we don’t see ourselves as worth much, that’s going to affect everything–our marriage, our parenting, even our spiritual life.

I think a lot of frump is based in our own personal shame.

Many of you know about my 31 Days to Great Sex book, but that started out as a blog series here, the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge. When I did those challenges, I had immediate feedback from readers on how they were doing. And the challenge that women  had the hardest time with was the day I asked women to name five things they liked about their bodies. People gave up in frustration. When I rewrote the challenge for couples as 31 Days to Great Sex, I asked husbands to help their wives with this, because many of us women just can’t do it. All too many of us truly hate our bodies.

And so you hide them in oversized clothes, or ugly clothes, or all black and neutral clothes. You want to forget about your body. You want to ignore it. That’s hardly the recipe for a good sex life or a good marriage! Yours is the only body your husband is allowed to look at. If you’re confident and have fun with your body, so will he.

And God meant for you to enjoy your body. Do you really want to settle for less than God wants for you?

This week, ladies, we’re going to fight back! We’re going to fight the frump, and the attitudes that make us dress frumpy in the first place.

But before I tell you how, let’s go over some of our reasons for looking frumpy. Usually they go something like this:

No one’s going to see me but the kids anyway. And someone’s probably going to spit up on me! Sure I have to go to the grocery store, but so what? And I just want to be comfortable. I have nothing that fits. I don’t have any money for new clothes.

Stop making excuses! Here’s the truth. When we choose (and it is a choice) to look frumpy, it’s usually because we’re thinking one of these things:

• I don’t have time to look put together. I’m running ragged all day!
• I want to be comfortable!
• I’m scared to go shopping because I don’t want to confront what my body actually looks like.
• I don’t want to spend money on me.
• I just don’t know how to dress my body type.

So let’s deal with these one one by one.

1. I don’t have time to fight the frump

To fight this one, let me show you something.

I asked my daughter Katie to help take a video last night of me putting on frumpy clothes vs. non-frumpy clothes. And you know what? It takes basically the same amount of time.

It takes no more time to get dressed in clothes that flatter you than it does to get dressed in clothes that don’t flatter you!

And it takes very, very little time to do your hair and makeup, too, if you have a good hairstyle and makeup ready. (We’ll be looking at that tomorrow!)

But look at this: You can wear sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt.

Total Time to Get Dressed: 30 Seconds

But it takes no more time, really, to get dressed in something super comfortable that fits! (And I deliberately chose something grey with no colour so that all of you who hate wearing colour have no excuses!).

Total Time to Get Dressed: 45 seconds

I didn’t even do my hair and makeup. But I still look a whole lot better.

2. I want to be comfortable!

I get it. There are clothes I wear to church or out speaking that I take off immediately when i come home, because I can’t move as easily in them. But guess what? There are plenty of clothing options that you CAN move in that still look great (like the dark grey top in the video!).

And here’s another thing: Many people don’t want to wear their “good”, that they actually like, around the house in case they get splatter on them or the baby spits up. So you wear ugly T-shirts instead that you figure are disposable. But laundry stain remover can get out a lot of bad stuff. And “good” clothes don’t have to be expensive. Sometimes we think of “good” as anything we look good in, so then we’re deliberately not wearing the stuff that we like so that we don’t wreck it. But then we never, ever wear it. That’s hardly a recipe for happiness!

3. I’m embarrassed about my body

Ladies, society wants us to feel ugly. If we feel ugly, we’ll be dissatisfied. We’ll need to fill that void with something. So we’ll buy more food to kill the pain, or we’ll buy vacations, or more weight loss programs, or more magazines to motivate us. If we all felt great in our bodies, if we all owned just a few outfits that made us feel fabulous, why on earth would we need to keep spending money?

Society has a vested interest in you feeling ugly.

Do you want to give our culture that kind of power?

You were bought at a price. God thinks of you as His beautiful bride. God looks at your inner beauty. Who cares what size you are?

 4. I don’t want to spend money on me

I understand the money issue. You want to spend the money on your family! But do you think it helps your children or your husband to feel as if their mom takes no pride in herself? And I have a friend who is struggling on very little money. She has three kids and she pays for them to have new clothes every year. They always look great.

But she does, too. She’s a very attractive woman, though she’s hardly a size 6! But she knows how to flatter her body. She owns a grand total of 3 pairs of pants (she only has one pair of dress pants). All of her clothes fit in a really small closet. All of her kids have more clothes than she does. But she still looks good, because the clothes she does have fit her and flatter her, and she just pulls on a belt and some jewelry and some nice makeup and she looks all set to go.

I am not saying that you need a closetful of clothes–not at all. I believe that most of us would do far better having five outfits that make us feel amazing than 25 that we bought off of the clearance rack that make us feel lousy. And it is better to spend $35 on two tops that will last and look great than buy 10 $6 tops from a bargain outlet that won’t withstand more than one season of washing in the washing machine.

Sometimes just buying value is so important.

5. I don’t know how to look good. I don’t think it’s possible with my body type.

Most of you reading this managed to give birth. You taught those kids how to use the potty. You fed them and kept them alive when they couldn’t even sit up. You learned everything there was to know about babies.

And you’re telling me that you can’t take 5 minutes and really analyze what body shape you are and what types of clothes flatter that body shape? I know it can take longer than 5 minutes to find a pair of pants that fit, but that’s no reason to give up! When you find some that do fit, you’ve crossed a milestone, and you’ll feel so much more confident about it. So what if it takes trying on 20? It’s not an indictment about your size; it’s just that we’re all made a little differently, that’s all.

And shopping is easier than ever before! I shop for my clothes online now. Online retailers have such elaborate measurements written on their website that all you need is a measuring tape and you’ll know exactly what size to order. And if it doesn’t look good you can often mail it right back–for free! So you don’t even have to drag little ones to the mall. This can be a lot less intimidating than trying on dresses and pants there.

No matter your body type, every woman can look beautiful, and every woman can look put together. Every woman can take pride in herself. When you do this, your marriage improves overnight, because you become more confident in your body, and that reaps huge dividends.

So will you join me and fight the frump with me?

Here’s what’s coming this week:

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

We’re in the early part of our Fight the Frump week! And for this edition, I want to talk about hair.

But first, let’s go back to some basic principles. Fighting the frump is NOT about vanity and not about living up to some magazine cover. Fighting the frump is about changing our attitude and our outlook on life so that we are more productive, approachable, and respected.

How? Because the way that we dress affects our inner reality. If you’re sloppy on the outside, you’re less likely to feel organized and motivated. If you look like you don’t care for your appearance, you automatically don’t look as friendly as people who look like they do take some care, because you’re giving the impression “I don’t care what people think of me.” And if you look frumpy, then you also give the impression, “I don’t think I’m worth a lot of time or energy.” That shows that you don’t really respect yourself.

Why fight the frump? Because your appearance reflects, but also AFFECTS, your inner reality.Click To Tweet

When you take care, though, then you say, “I like myself. I’m a happy person.” That may sound shallow, but psychological research shows that when we care for our appearance, we feel better about virtually all aspects of life.

So today, I want to focus on something basic: your hair. Tomorrow we’ll tackle makeup.

Yesterday the comments focused mostly on clothes (likely because I was talking about clothes!), and we will get to that later in the week. But here’s the truth:

You can wear the best outfit in the world, and if your hair is a mess, you won’t feel good in that outfit. 

Our hair is the most basic part of our appearance, because it frames the face. It gives that first impression. And so you need a good hairstyle!

I actually spent a lot of time caring for my hair as a teenager and a woman in her young twenties. I either curled it a ton:

Or I cut it short and curled it:

My graduation from my Master’s Degree in 1993.

It’s not that I had good haircuts; I just spent a lot of time on it. But after I had kids it all changed. My hair is very heavy, and doesn’t hold curl tremendously well without a lot of time with a curling iron. So I just gave up. And I went back to my glasses, too.

Seriously, I look younger here than my two younger cousins! And just to prove that I ALWAYS looked like that, here’s another shot from our playgroup:

With friends from our playgroup in 1997

Within a few years I was sick of being frumpy, so I finally got a good haircut I liked. I found a hairdresser in Belleville that went to our church, and I just let her do whatever she wanted. She texturized my hair like crazy (because it’s so thick) so that it would have more body and shape. She’s been a super good friend ever since (she was even the “flower girl” when we renewed our wedding vows after 25 years). But I have always felt so much better!

Here I am in 2004, with Katie, right after Jill did my hair:

The key for me has always been that I want my hair to look amazing even after just a few minutes. I can’t be tied to a curling iron or straightener to feel good, or I will never do my hair.

So here I am when I first wake up in the morning:

Sheila when she just gets up!

And here I am after brushing, a tiny bit of gel, and a little bit of hair spray. Total time: Under a minute (barely!)

A good haircut makes a huge difference.

And that’s what Rebecca found, too.

• Worked with my natural wave/body so I wouldn’t have to straighten it every day
• Wouldn’t have to be blow-dried
• Would be easy to fancy up for special occasions
• And would take less than 5 minutes to style

So I got a layered bob with a body perm and it has been a HUGE success.

Here it is after just a bit of spritzing and some gel in the morning:

 

A whole lot better than before (trust me)! Finding a hairstyle that works for you and takes only a very little time is such a huge help. Have straight hair? Maybe a layered cut with texture to give it more volume. Have half-wavy hair like I do? Maybe add in some curls to help give the volume more structure.

It doesn’t need to take an hour to look put together. The difference is huge–and my husband loves it! But I spend less time than I did before, and now it actually looks good. Which is a big relief!

What if you have long hair? Seriously consider getting it textured

My daughter Katie has extremely heavy, extremely long hair, which pretty much always looks amazing. But it’s because she keeps her ends trimmed, AND because Jill (yes, we all go to the same hairdresser because Jill is awesome) texturizes it like crazy. She takes those texturizing scissors and just chops chops chops. That way Katie’s hair is a lot thinner as you move down, and then it flows better and holds curl better (because Katie actually takes time to curl it.

Here’s one of her engagement photos:

It may look like she has simple long hair, but she doesn’t. And that’s the key, I think, to making long, straight hair look good: It can’t be all the same length. It has to be heavily texturized if it’s thick.

All of us did the same thing. We went in to see a (good) hairdresser and said, “this isn’t working for me. What should I do?” And Jill looked at our hair type and suggested things, even out of the box things (like putting a perm in).

The worst I ever felt about myself was when I had no hair style.

I feel so much better now. Your hair matters. If you don’t know what to do, go on Pinterest and search for hairstyles for your hair texture and length. See what you like, and then bring pictures into a hairdresser. But invest in a good haircut. It makes a huge amount of difference–more than any clothes actually will.

And join me tomorrow when we talk about how a little bit of natural makeup can make a huge difference, too!

Here’s your Fight the Frump challenge today: Ask yourself, Do I have a hairstyle where I can look good and feel good in less than 5 minutes? Ideally, really, under 3? If not, then plan when you’re going to go and make a change!

Do you have a haircut that lets you look great in under 4 minutes? If not, you need one!Click To Tweet

Here’s what we’ll cover in Fight the Frump week:

Monday: Get Dressed! Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup Thursday: A Look at the 6 Body Types and What Clothes Flatter Each Type Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Let’s fight the frump today by talking about makeup!

All week we’ve been talking about getting rid of that frumpy feeling by taking care of our appearance and showing that we respect ourselves. It’s not about being a fashion model or having a certain body type. It’s just about looking like you care about yourself, and showing others that you are friendly, approachable, and confident.

We talked about hair yesterday, and today I want to tackle makeup! When I wrote my first fight the frump series a few years ago, I had a lot of pushback on the makeup day, because a lot of women said that their husbands prefer them with no makeup.

So I decided that this time around I would talk about makeup differently.

I want to talk about how to use natural looking makeup to enhance what’s there–not try to cover up anything or make you look like a clown.

I was talking to my daughter Katie about guys not always liking makeup, because Katie is the makeup queen. She does her makeup amazingly well (just glance through her Instagram!).  But she made a really good point: If you have too much makeup on, and you’re cuddling, the makeup gets everywhere! And then my daughter Rebecca said that her husband doesn’t always like lip gloss because it’s kind of icky to kiss. I see, then, why many guys say they like women better without makeup!

What I’m talking about today, then, is natural looking makeup. Here’s me with super heavy makeup, for instance:

Okay, that’s not what we’re aiming for (though there’s nothing wrong with it necessarily).

So I thought: let’s attack this a different way! I’ve always wanted to try mineral based makeup for a few reasons: It’s totally natural (or at least some brands are), so you’re not adding chemicals to your face. It doesn’t clump like liquid based makeup and pressed makeup. And minerals absorb oils so bacteria doesn’t grow and you don’t get as shiny!

When Emily from Redeeming Beauty Minerals wanted to sponsor this post, then, I got really excited, because she sent me a whole box of samples of her mineral-based makeup! It’s all-natural, toxin-free, and artisan crafted by a WAHM. So it’s good all around!

I wanted to find a daytime look that was natural that didn’t require liquid foundation (since liquid foundation can clog pores and also make a mess out of clothing). So I thought I’d give it a try.

Samples of Redeeming Beauty Minerals Makeup–foundation, primer, lipstick, mascara, eye shadows, and blush.

Natural makeup, done well, smoothes out your skin tone and highlights key areas, making your eyes shine.

That’s the point! It’s not to make you look painted; it’s to give you soft definition. And it won’t cause blemishes, either, so you can wear it even if you’re breaking out (and it will make you feel better, too!)

So here I am with no makeup:

Sheila without makeup!

I started with her liquid primer, which isn’t goopy or gelled, like most drug store blends. It’s just a simple liquid. It’s safe for blemish prone skin, and it tightens while lightly moisturizing. With lavender, neroli, and grapeseed oil, it sounds truly wonderful!

Then I used the powder foundation. Was it ever soft! I couldn’t believe the difference. And it honestly did even out my skin tone. I’ve always been afraid to try mineral makeup for just that reason–I thought I’d need liquid foundation to make my face not so red in certain parts. But it really does smooth everything out! Emily says:

If you do a light dusting with a loosely packed brush, either shade should work. If you want a thicker application, then use a kabuki brush and buff on. The firmer the buffing, the deeper the shade, so you can create the perfect match for you.The special formulation smooths and evens your skin tone.

And then she told me what’s in it: finely milled silk, finely milled pearl, and other great stuff. No wonder it’s soft! And iron oxides and mica creates the different shades.

I had little samples of different blushes and eye shadows, and I chose some simple pinks and purples for my cheeks and eyes.

I took an eyeliner brush and used some of the dark purple eye shadow at the corners of my upper lid, too. Then I added some mascara. Emily’s mineral mascara is formulated to help lash growth (which I hope works because I have virtually no bottom lashes!). She has a video up on how to make your lashes longer!

Emily’s lipstick is super creamy, so it’s not glossy and men won’t mind kissing it. If you’re one of those gals who always wears chapstick in the winter, this really would be the equivalent. So instead of sticking on chapstick, you could apply some subtle colour that also protects your lips! This particular colour is Labyrinthine victory, and Emily writes:

All colors are named to empower women to put on the characteristics/names that they choose (like putting on the armor of God). You can see the list of lipstick names at the link just below, but Labyrinthine Victory is designed to remind her that in Christ she can have victory over the dark mazes of life.

Finally, I finished it all off with Perfectly Flawless Finishing Powder.

I didn’t apply the makeup as dark as I normally would (I’m one of those women who actually likes makeup, and my husband does too), so I went for just a natural look.

But you can see that my face doesn’t look super colourful. It doesn’t look like a clown. But I look like I have more definition than I did at the beginning (here’s the before and after together):

What if all those makeup steps seem overwhelming?

That’s okay! You could get away with foundation, blush, and some eyeliner and mascara if that’s all you want to do, and it would take a grand total of maybe 1 1/2 minutes (this likely took me about 3 minutes). In fact, Emily has an awesome tutorial on how to keep makeup simple, use only a few products, and still enhance your natural beauty.

I put all this on yesterday morning about 10, and then for lunch Katie and I headed out to the place where her wedding reception is to sample the menu. Then we went out with a friend. By the time I looked in the mirror again it was 6:00, and I pretty much looked exactly the same. Usually my makeup falls off within a few hours, because I have super oily skin (that means no wrinkles yet, but it also makes makeup trickier). But this stayed put, so I’m totally sold on mineral makeup!

Look, no one HAS to wear makeup. But a natural look really can make you feel wonderful.

I’m totally okay if you choose not to. When people say, though, that they look better without makeup, I think what they mean is that they look better without the HEAVY makeup (like my first picture). I truly can’t think of anybody I know who honestly looks better without any makeup than they would with a natural look.

I didn’t wear a lot of makeup when my kids were little, and I felt so frumpy and depressed. That’s likely why I’m so passionate about this and why I’ve been saying this for years now: frumpy does make you grumpy, and it affects your outlook on life. And we’re so prone to it when our children are small and we have so little time.

But let’s summarize this now.

This week to fight the frump, I took:

• 45 seconds to get dressed
• 1 minute to do my hair
• 3 minutes to do my makeup

That’s a grand total of 4 minutes and 45 seconds. No, I didn’t wash my hair on the hair day, and if I did, I would have added 5-7 minutes with blow drying. But that’s it. So it’s not lack of time that makes us frumpy. The problem is that we don’t know:

• What clothes to choose
• How to get a good haircut
• How to put on the right makeup
• and how to put an outfit together

I hope I’ve helped with hair and makeup. Tomorrow we’ll look at how to choose clothes, and we’ll bring it on home on Friday with how to put outfits together. If you’re really lost on how to apply makeup, check out Emily’s tutorials! And pay attention to the No Makeup Makeup Look, too.

Thanks, Emily, for the makeup, and check out Redeeming Beauty Minerals here!

Here’s what we’re covering in Fight the Frump week:

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and your makeup challenges.

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

It’s Fight the Frump week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and today we’re going to talk about how to find items of clothing that fit and flatter you.

We’ve talked about hair and makeup so far, because your face is where people look first. You want it to be framed well and to look great! But now let’s move on to clothing, which is often a source of great stress for women.

But first, let me tell you a story.

About a decade ago I was on a speaking tour, and when I go out of town to speak, churches often put me up at hotels. The cool thing about that is that I could watch TV, since we’ve never had cable at home. So I decided I’d try CSI, since my nephew was always watching it and I wanted to see what he was seeing.

That episode had to do with a woman, travelling alone in a hotel, who found a body under her bed.

I got Keith on the phone while I checked for corpses under my bed, and changed the channel.

And then I found What Not To Wear.

That show changed my life. It was amazing! And it was inspiring. They took women who felt dowdy and badly about themselves and showed them that they really were beautiful, because they showed them how to dress to match their personality and give them confidence.

And those women quite frequently were not the “ideal” shape. There were bigger women. Busty women. Pear shaped women. Twiggy women. But they all felt great in the end.

You see, it’s not about needing the perfect body. It’s about learning how to dress the one you have.

That’s what I want to tackle today: principles for choosing clothes that will flatter you, and make you feel good about yourself!

But first, a caveat. One reason women get upset about shopping is because they try things on and nothing looks good. But that’s okay! As we’re going to talk about tomorrow, you can have a totally versatile, functional, and beautiful wardrobe with only 25-40 pieces. You don’t need a ton of things! So if you try on 20 and only 1 works, that’s okay. Don’t give up! It’s better to have fewer pieces that are well-made and look great on you than a ton of pieces off the clearance rack that you buy because you just have to come home with something (and it’s cheaper, too, to buy fewer but more expensive pieces than tons of low-quality pieces).

So don’t get discouraged! If you need a pair of pants, you may need to try on 20 pairs. But then you’ll have your pants. And hopefully they will do you for a few years!

And you can still dress well and be comfortable. I’m going to illustrate my principles with clothes from some online retailers, just so you can see pictures of what I’m talking about (these are affiliate links). You can buy clothes that are comfortable and can still be casual, while also looking like you’re put together.

Casual and comfortable are great. Sloppy, as if you don’t care, is not. Oversized graphic Ts and jeans that don’t fit or yoga pants with holes in them are frumpy. So it’s not that you can’t be casual; it’s just that we should take pride in what we look like, and do casual well. So let’s look at how that works!

General Principle 1: Clothes Can Create a Shape

Ideally most women yearn for an hourglass shape. If you’re one of the few who already basically has one, then pretty much any clothes will look great on you. Most of us, though, aren’t perfect hour glasses. So what we want to do is use clothing to create a shape by emphasizing certain things and drawing the eye to certain places.

One reason people tend to wear very baggy clothes is because they feel big, and they don’t want anyone to see their shape. But appearing shapeless actually makes you look bigger than if you emphasize a shape. And you’ll tend to feel more feminine if you emphasize a shape than if you try to cover up your body–even if you don’t like your body!

General Principle 2: If You Want Something to Look Bigger, then Use Pattern and Texture and Fabric

I don’t have much of a bust. So if I’m going to look hourglass, I want to do things to create shape on the top part of my body. Maybe you DO have a bust, but your bottom half is still way bigger You can do that with things like ruffles to add detail, or some extra fabric to add curves, like this:

Solid V-Neck T shirt from Fashionmia, on sale for $14.96

Here’s me in a ruffled top that I wear a lot when I speak! It just adds more oomph where I don’t have it.

And layers work well, too!

Fashionmia Round Neck Zips Top, On sale for $17.95

If you need more width on top, you can even get away with horizontal stripes, like this cute top!

FashionMia Striped Top, $39.75 (on sale now for $7.95)!

What about if you’re super busty, but you’re actually quite thin on the bottom? How do you make your bottom half look fuller? Wear flowing skirts! Choose boot cut jeans rather than skinny jeans. And try dresses that are more form fitting on top and fuller in the bottom!

Megan Dress from Karina Dresses, $108

(all Karina dresses are basically the same cost, but you can see them on real people and they look awesome!)

General Principle 3: If you Want Something to Look Smaller, Make it Plainer and More Form Fitting

Wait–“why would I want form fitting around my hips if my hips are huge?”, you may say! But trust me. Wearing a pencil skirt or fitted jeans, when paired with the kind of tops we’ve talked about, makes you look much smaller than if you cover your hips in a huge skirt or in baggy pants.

It’s absolutely true! Go shopping with a friend who is fashionable and let her pick the clothes for you to try on. You may be surprised!

Here’s a ruched skirt from Kiyonna Clothing, which focuses on Plus-Sized clothes, just to show you what I mean.

Kiyonna Ruched Skirt, $78 (on sale for $54!)

I would prefer the top was more flowy, but if you click through the link, you’ll see multiple pictures of real customers wearing it with tops that are more flowy, and it looks great!

One of the issues bustier women have, too, is that they don’t want to draw attention to their chest, so they wear square shaped baggy tops. It’s understandable. Especially if you’re sensitive about people staring at you there, it can be intimidating to try something more form fitting. But those sorts of tops really do make you look smaller than wearing a huge piece of fabric on your upper half. If you’re really busty, look below at some of the high waisted options.

General Principle 4: Everybody needs a waist.

Yes, those with perfect figures can get away with no waist, but most of us need our waists defined. It gives you more shape if you’re straight up and down, but it also makes you look smaller if you’re not! So try to choose basic t-shirts that are fitted, like this:

Fashionmia Fitted Long Sleeve Turtleneck, $14.95 on sale

But your waist doesn’t have to be at your waist. You want to emphasize the smallest part, and for many women, that’s right below the bust. So a blouse that comes in below the bust, and then flows out from there can make your waist look a lot smaller. And it can hide your tummy!

Fashionmia Ruffled Hem t-shirt, on sale for $18.66

And here’s a dressier version from Kiyonna Plus Sized clothing:

Promenade Top from Kiyonna, $58

Or you can do the same in dresses, too!

Nora Dress from Karina Dresses, $108

Those are your basic principles for dressing your body type.

And the neat thing is that those items of clothing are actually quite comfortable (except for perhaps the super dressy ones). You don’t need to wear just yoga pants and t-shirts to be comfortable! It’s winter! Fleece-lined leggings with a tunic or skinny jeans with a tunic are super comfortable. You can get all kinds of things in t-shirt fabric or sweatshirt fabric, but they look great!

Fashionmia Tunic Shift Dress, on sale for $20.95

You can be comfortable and stylish. You don’t have to feel like nothing fits you. You don’t have to feel like nothing looks good on you. You just have to look for clothes in the right shape and style!

Tomorrow I want to talk about the concept of creating outfits ahead of time using a capsule wardrobe, so that you don’t need a ton of pieces to look put together. It doesn’t have to cost a ton of money or time to put a great wardrobe together. And you can plan your purchases deliberately, thinking, “I need one colour blazer and one neutral pair of pants.” But I hope that helps!

Here’s Another Idea for Finding Clothes that Look Good on You

Try a subscription with Le Tote! They’ll send you a box with 3-5 items (depending on your subscription) based on what you’ve marked as things you’d like to try. Then you can wear them, and when you’re done, ship them back (for free) and they’ll send you more! The subscription is on a monthly basis, so you can return things as often as you’d like during that month. It’s a great chance to try on a bunch of different things, and then you can cancel when you’re done and know what you like!

And right now, you can get 40% off your first month! It’s a great chance to just try things on, see what compliments you get from other people, and experiment with your style!

Check out Le Tote here!

Want to Join Me in Fighting the Frump?

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
2. Leave a comment telling me what are your biggest problems when trying to find clothes that flatter you–and telling me which general principle would work well for you.

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Are you ready to create outfits that work for you?

We’ve been talking all week about how to fight the frump, covering hair, natural-looking makeup, and finding clothes that fit and flatter.

Now we’re going to bring it all together by talking about that final, put together look.

So let’s go back to Monday for a moment. Remember how I got dressed and it took 45 seconds, vs. 30 seconds in the ugly outfit? My point was that it didn’t take any longer to dress in something that looks good than something that looks terrible.

But I have a confession to make. I didn’t tell the whole story on Monday.

Here’s the truth: You can only get dressed fast if you know what you’re going to wear.

If you have to stand staring at your clothes every morning in utter confusion, wondering what to wear and what will look good together, then getting dressed and fighting the frump will take far too much time.

So I want to share with you my secret about what I do every month.

I talked about it last year when I wrote about my capsule wardrobe, and I want to come back to that today.

Here’s what a capsule wardrobe is, in a nutshell: you decide to dress with just a few pieces in your closet–many people choose 40–that are made up of neutrals and then some colours that coordinate, so that with just a few pieces you can create multiple outfits and looks.

Then you try to make sure that each of those pieces is high quality and can do double duty, in different outfits with different looks.

I cheat a bit with my capsule wardrobe. I haven’t gotten rid of all my clothes except for 40. But what I do is at the beginning of the month I choose 25 that I want to wear that month. And then I store them in my closet in ready-made outfits.

What will a capsule wardrobe of 25 pieces look like? First, decide on your neutrals. Neutrals tend to be: black, grey, brown, navy, beige, or khaki. Those are colours that you can tend to layer with prints or patterns, and they’ll still look good. I used to use black all the time in my wardrobe, but black honestly doesn’t suit me. So now I tend towards browns and greys.

Then, once you’ve decided on your neutrals, you choose some bright coloured or patterned pieces to add to it.

Here, for example, is a sample 25 item capsule wardrobe:

Neutral colour 1: (Khaki)
1 casual pant
1 dress pant
1 long sleeve shirt
1 short sleeve shirt
1 blazer/jacket

Neutral colour 2: (brown)
1 long sleeve shirt
1 short sleeve shirt
1 skirt

Neutral Extras: (Solid Colours)
2 jeans
1 blazer/jacket (blue)
1 sweater (other)

Add colours:
6 tops
1 vest
1 dress
2 sweaters
3 T-shirts

Once you’ve done all that, you can accent them all with purses, belts, scarves and necklaces. Even shoes! (Although it’s getting to be winter where I live, so it’s really all about the boots right now!)

Accents end up making the outfit

I took Kelly Snyder’s Adore Your Wardrobe course last year and she explained the awesome “Rule of 4” which has helped me create outfits! Basically, you have to be able to count to at least 4 when you’re getting dressed to feel like you’re dressed in an actual outfit.

So how do you get to 4? Neutral pants and plain coloured shirts count as 0. A pattern on either a top or a bottom counts as 1. A sweater or blazer is another 1. A big necklace, a belt, a scarf, or a brooch are all 1. So you can get to 4 with jeans, a t-shirt, a funky sweater, a big belt, and a necklace. Or you can get to 4 with jeans, a patterned shirt, a plain sweater, and a big necklace.

Here, for example, are some outfits I’ve got:

Casual Shirt with a scarf–Accent belt not shown

But here’s another way I’d wear that same shirt (again, the accent belt isn’t shown):

Or you can throw in one of your patterned shirts!

Patterned shirt with bold necklace and sweater

I also like to pick one or two pieces that I love but don’t wear that much–like some of my handknits–and throw them in each month. This week I’m focusing on a tank top that I knit (seen here) and a vest that I knit (seen in my makeup post!) I’ve figured out different ways to wear it:

Dressing up the tank with a purple leather jacket

Making the tank more casual with a flowy sweater

And, of course, I try to throw in at least one skirt and dress to try to encourage myself to wear them more often (and I’m stocking up on fleece-lined tights to make them more comfortable in Canada’s fall!)

Fun comfy sweater over a skirt, bold bracelet not shown

I know it can be hard when you have little kids to wear necklaces (I remember those days! My kids kept pulling them!). So those may not be good fashion choices for you at that stage of your life. And scarves that kids can spit up on are likely bad choices, too. But a few big bracelets or some cool belts can do wonders!

Add Accents to Your Tops–and store them that way

What I do, then, is I choose my 25 pieces, and then I choose a bunch of necklaces and scarves that coordinate and I store those necklaces and scarves on the same hanger as the top I may wear them with. I store my belts on the same hanger as the jeans or skirts or dresses I may wear them with.

And I take my whole capsule wardrobe–including jeans and t-shirts–and put them on hangers on one shelf on my closet for that month, so that I can see everything at a glance.

If your closet isn’t big enough for that, use a drawer! Choose one drawer that is just for your capsule wardrobe items, and store them folded so that you can see them at a glance when you open the drawer, like this:

But you’ll find if you spend 20-30 minutes at the beginning of each month choosing some items of clothing to concentrate on, then you can think about what you’d like to pair with it and create outfits, so you don’t have to think each day! And you’ll know that if you pick a shirt with a necklace or scarf, you’ll also have a sweater or skirt or pants that will coordinate, and you can mix and match.

I sometimes plan a whole capsule wardrobe around one item: sometimes a silk scarf I love but hardly ever wear (I’ll choose things that coordinate with it) or something I knit that I haven’t worn in a while. And that way I find myself happier with my wardrobe and wearing more pieces, rather than sticking to the easy ones!

Whew. There you go. Fight the Frump is done!

I hope you feel energized. I hope you feel like you CAN do this–like you can dress with confidence and get yourself ready to take on the world with just a few minutes each morning. It doesn’t have to be onerous. But it can make such a difference in how we see ourselves, and in how others see us!

So let’s keep this going. Create that wardrobe, make some outfits, and let’s see you shine this month before Christmas!

And remember–you can join me by:

1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
2. Leave a comment telling me what your biggest takeaway from the Fight the Frump series is–what are you going to do differently now?

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Other posts in Fight the Frump:

Monday: Get Dressed!
Tuesday: Choosing a Quick Hairstyle that Flatters You
Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup
Thursday: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

How do you choose sexy pajamas–that are still warm?

Recently I wrote a “Fight the Frump” series at the blog, where I encouraged all of us to try to spend just a few minutes looking put together every morning–to show that we respect ourselves. It was a super fun week, but in the middle of it I received an SOS from a reader.

You’ve got to help me with pajamas! I sleep in sweat pants and t-shirts with holes in them. Definitely frumpy!

I get it. In fact, just to prove it to you, I took a picture of myself one morning last week when I had definitely not put any thought into what pajamas I was throwing on:

Okay, at least I was patriotic!

But still. 

That’s pathetic.

We’ve got to do something about this! And so today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I would tackle the winter pajama dilemma.

I know that not all of you face this. If you live in the southern United States, or if you’re Down Under right now where it’s summer, then you likely aren’t worried about warm pajamas. But for those of us who live in more northern climates, winter pajamas are a bit of a challenge. In the summer we can wear cute 2-pieces and super cute nightgowns, but in the winter we want to be warmer. And warmth usually = flannel. And flannel is very rarely sexy!

In fact, I had a running joke in one of the Girls Night Out events I did about a flannel nightgown I once had. This nightgown sent a very definite message–“No Trespassing”. And that’s not a message we want to be sending! (Or, if you do want to send it, then you really should get my Boost Your Libido course!)

So let’s talk about how to choose pajamas that don’t say “No Trespassing”, but that still keep us from freezing!

I’ve written quite a bit on this blog about how frumpy makes us grumpy, and how modest shouldn’t mean dowdy. But warm shouldn’t mean dowdy, either. So let’s figure out how to look great together.

This post will contain affiliate links that go to supporting the costs of this blog (which are considerable!).

1. Go with a 2-Piece Set

Nightgowns tend to be colder, and you have to wear them with really thick socks, which can be off-putting in its own way.

In general, then, to stay warm, stick to a 2-piece pajama set.

But how do you make it sexy?

2. Bright Colors Make for Sexy Pajamas

Go for bright colors, like deep red or deep purple–or even black. Stay away from pastels which are too “girly”. You want a colour that says, “I am a woman”, not “where’s my Barbie?”

Jockey Women’s Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, $40.50

See it here.

Seriously, look at the difference between that and something like this:

The black says, “I’m interested in night time things.” The pink says–well, I’m not really sure what it says. But it’s not, “let’s get it on!”

3. Think the Right Prints for Sexy Pajamas

Shy away from anything with small cute animals (like kittens), or ice cream cones or flowers (like the one above!), or anything that looks like a 12-year-old girl could wear it.

Instead, go for something like a leopard print, or a plaid.

Del Rossa Cotton Flannel Pajama Set, Plaid, $32.99

See it here.

Del Rossa cotton pajamas, leopard print, $25.49

See it here!

4. Choose Form Fitting Pajamas to Make You Feel Sexy

Here are some form-fitting flannel long john pajamas. No one can say these are dowdy, but they do keep one warm!

Betsey Johnson Women’s Printed Rib Knit Pj Set, $34.97

See it here!

Or you can go for another fitted look. As long as they’re ribbed pajamas, they’re still really comfortable!

Womens Lace-trimmed Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $27.99

See it here.

In fact, this is the look that I’ve chosen to go for this Christmas! Every Boxing Day I buy new pajamas for the family, and this year I chose some purple thermals for myself. They’re so soft, too! And our reader who sent in the question sent me this “after” picture after she bought herself some thermals (she invited me to share it!)

(Those look remarkably like the ones I linked to above!)

5. Buttons Can Be Sexy!

…because they can be UNbuttoned. If you’re not comfortable with form-fitting pajamas, that’s okay. Just remember the fun that you can have with 2-piece ensembles that have buttons!

Ekouaer Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $36.99

See it here.

6. Something He Loves Can Be Sexy!

Is he really into sports? Why not buy some flannel pajamas that celebrate his team (or your team)?

Boston Bruins Pajama Bottoms, $28.31

See it here.

7. Warm Pajamas Can Still Be Satin

Satin can be surprisingly warm, and the material says “sexy”. So try mixing it up, and don’t just go for cotton or flannel or fleece.

Del Rossa Women’s Satin Pajama Set, $24.99

See it here.

Here’s another tip: buy some satin sheets! If you’ve got a really warm duvet, then satin sheets will still keep you warm enough, and they can add some heat to the bedroom.

Red Satin Sheet Set, $28.99

See it here.

8. Try a warm–and long–nightgown!

I’ve been showing you all 2-piece sets because I tend to think they’re the warmest. But you can go for a warm nightgown, too!

Long Sleeve Form Fitting Nightgown, $22.99

See it here!

9. A great duvet lets you wear whatever you want! (and that’s sexy!)

Finally, here’s something I always recommend: just get a super warm duvet! It’s one of the best investments you can make. Yes, a real duvet is more expensive than a comforter set, but it’s super luxurious. And don’t you want your bed to feel great? If you have a warm duvet and a super warm robe, then you can wear light nightgowns or sexy 2-piece sets all year round. I have a friend who even sleeps naked (up here in Canada!) all year round, because her duvet is so awesome.

Pair them with some Slumber Cloud temperature regulated sheets (which hold heat in and release it later, keeping you cool when you need it or heating you up when you need it), and you’re all set to go!

Goose Duvet, $94.99

See it here.

10. Keep a space heater near the bed at night.

If you and your hubby don’t want to pay to heat the whole house overnight, you can at least pay for a few minutes of electricity to keep your half of the bed warm! And then it’s easier to want to get OUT of those pajamas–whichever ones you’re wearing–and have some fun.

Let me know in the comments: How do you feel pretty and feminine if you’re a northern girl like me and it’s freezing at night? What do you wear?

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?

Do you find that you can’t get in the mood and can’t get mentally ready for sex because you dread it?

For the next few days we’re talking on the blog about how to embrace your sexuality, and I want to start with this reader question from a woman who finds that she dreads sex because she hates her body. She writes:

What do you do when you don’t want to be intimate with your husband because you are ashamed of your body? I struggle with self esteem issues that cripple my ability to be intimate. The thought of what my husband is feeling or seeing takes all sex drive away from me. My body turns me off and I cannot bear to be seen or touched. Our children are 7 and 9 and we both work, the kids are in activities everyday. So between work, school drop off, housework, cooking, shuttling to activities, groceries, etc, I’m exhausted and can barely shower/ shave. I’ve found it very important that I look and feel as sexy as possible in order to feel intimate and I just haven’t been able to make it happen. Spontaneous sex is horrifying – I probably need to shave, touch up makeup, spritz some perfume, and have something other than leggings and a big shirt on. I feel bad turning my husband down for sex but I’m just too embarrassed of what I’ve tuned into. I want to be a fulfilling wife and have a full filling marriage – I want to want sex , but it just isn’t there. I feel he deserves better but I can’t get over this hump of awkwardness and shame over my physical self. Any tips for rediscovering that intimacy and getting over busy issues?

Sometimes I read letters and they really grieve me, because all I can see is how much we women are sabotaging our own happiness. It’s not that we’re doing it deliberately. But we aren’t fighting hard enough for what we know is right and what we know is God’s best for us.

And that’s what it needs to be–a fight.

I don’t mean to be harsh with this woman. I know she’s hurting. But here’s the simple truth: the reason that she is hurting is because she is listening to voices in her head that are wrong, and because she is allowing shame into her life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, can fix that except for her. The answer lies with her.

That’s what the apostle Paul said, too, when he wrote this in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

She needs to start treating her self-defeating attitude and her self-defeating actions like a war that she is fighting. When a thought comes into her head that makes sex seem awful or her body seem ugly, she has to fight, because she is in a war, on several fronts:

War #1: She Is Being Told Her Body is Inadequate

First, our culture is at war with her, telling her that she’s too fat and that she’s undesirable, because our culture has made sex only about the body, rather that about intimacy. So you can’t have sex unless you’re a certain size.

But let’s remember why our culture preaches that! As I share in my Girl Talk, the talk I give for women in churches about sex and marriage, God designed sex to be intimate in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But when you take sex outside of marriage, the physical is all you have left. That makes “being sexy” far more important than it ever used to be, and leads to really ridiculous standards of beauty, the ones that we see on magazine covers in the checkout lines. When sex is only physical, it becomes very shallow.

Most women who feel inadequate and feel ugly have husbands who would love to see their wives naked more. But the shame that we women feel means that we don’t let our men see us naked. We deprive them of what they want, and we deprive ourselves of the joy that God designed us to take in our physical bodies.

So let me ask you a question: To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth? Is it our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or is it God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?

[clickToTweet tweet=”To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth when it comes to your marriage? Our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?” quote=”To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth when it comes to your marriage? Our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?”]

And if you want to let God define your beauty, then you have to fight the negative self-talk! When you get a thought about how ugly you are, you have to replace it with how God feels about you. You have to fight! God wants you to win this fight, but He doesn’t fight it for you. He asks you to enter the battle.

War #2: She’s Surrendering to Our Culture

There’s another war going on here, though. It’s not just that our culture is defining her beauty; it’s that she’s fighting a mental war with herself about her worth. And she’s surrendering in that war.

Our culture tells her she doesn’t measure up. And so what does she do? She stops showering. She stops shaving. She never puts on makeup. She goes around the house in leggings and a big shirt.

Now, stop it! Ladies, comfort and lack of time is nothing but an excuse. It takes no more time to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans and a nice top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is not the problem. So stop using that as an excuse!

As I showed in my Fight the Frump series, I can get dressed, with makeup on, in under five minutes. That’s it. And I can shower and shave in under 5 minutes, too. There simply are not excuses for this.

[clickToTweet tweet=”It takes no more time to dress in a nice pair of jeans and an attractive top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is no excuse for being frumpy! ” quote=”It takes no more time to dress in a nice pair of jeans and an attractive top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is no excuse for being frumpy!”]

The problem is not lack of time. The problem is lack of will. She has surrendered because she is allowing our culture to dictate her worth.

War #3: She’s Not Fighting for Her Priorities

She says that what she wants is a fulfilling marriage and to be a fulfilling wife. But is that true? She has her kids in activities every night. She’s overwhelmed by housework and paid work. And I can guarantee that she’s stressed to the max, which likely means that her kids and her husband are pretty stressed, too. Her family life must be running on max all the time.

So let’s just ask a question.

What would her life look like if she lived out her priorities–if she truly lived out wanting a fulfilling marriage?

• She might cut down on kids’ activities so they could spend more time at home enjoying being a family, and feeling less stress.
• This would likely significantly reduce their expenses (both on kids’ activities and on gas money to chauffeur them everywhere), which may allow them to deal with any debt they may have, or may even allow her or him to cut back on some hours at work
• They could eat dinner more as a family and likely feel more connected, which would reduce the tension level and help her laugh more with her husband
• She could have a conversation with her kids and her husband about sharing the load with housework, so that she wasn’t doing all the housework. That way she’d have more energy for relationship (and even for sex)!
• Because she wasn’t as stressed, she could spend more time in the shower and she would feel better about herself, which would likely result in her choosing clothes that were more flattering.

If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that!

[clickToTweet tweet=”If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that! Having kids in activities every night means that your marriage likely comes last. ” quote=”If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that! Having kids in activities every night means that your marriage likely comes last. “]

Let me say this again: the only solution to feeling badly about your body is to stop feeling badly about your body because you tell yourself positive messages AND you start treating yourself well.

We treat ourselves the way we think we deserve. What does she think she’s worth? Nothing. Her kids and her household get all of her attention and time, and she gets nothing. And then, because she feels horrible about that, her husband gets nothing, too.

It comes down to a choice: Do you want our culture to determine how you feel about yourself and what your priorities should be, or do you want to decide for yourself, based on what you know is God’s best?

You’ve got to make that choice. And you’ve got to enter that battle!

And if you want help, I’m here. I created the Boost Your Libido course to help women get out of this rut and stop letting our culture determine how we should feel about ourselves and how we should spend our time.

It’s a 10-video course, with fun assignments, that build on each other so you see an immediate difference! In fact, after just the first video, one woman wrote this to me:

I just watched the first module video… tears flooding down my face – “There is nothing wrong with me!” I want to scream it out loud! Excited and a bit nervous to continue. But determined for my husband, myself and our marriage.

And the course addresses things like body image, busy-ness, and lack of a sex drive. And it gives you a game plan so that you can move ahead and actually start to live out your real priorities.

If what you truly want is a fulfilling sex life and a fulfilling marriage, then do something about it.

I know that’s scary. In many ways it’s easier to stay in the rut, because you’re used to it. You spend so much time worrying about other people that you don’t have time to think about how awful you feel about yourself.

But that is no way to live a life, and it’s certainly not the path to a fulfilling marriage. I think this is. And I hope it helps!

Let me know in the comments: Does bad body image make you dread sex? Do you have a hard time getting mentally ready because of what you feel you need to do first? Let’s talk!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?