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How Porn in the House Affects Kids

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When dad (or mom) uses porn, what happens to the kids in the house?

Today’s guest poster is going to tell her story today. She’s a frequent reader and a blogger, but she wishes to remain anonymous to protect the family members mentioned in her story. But I know her story could be so many others, too:

How Porn in the House Affects KidsPorn’s version of paying it forward

Their eyes stared back at me each morning.  I tried to avoid looking at them by covering my face with my teddy bear or by looking down at my feet, but there was something strangely hypnotizing about them.  Stacks and stacks of magazines full of half-naked women piled just outside of reach, but not out of sight.  Odd really, considering that racier posters were in plain sight on the wall.

The word on the street that porn is harmless and that pin-up girl pictures never hurt anyone grieves my heart in the deepest way.   Not just because of the damage that porn is doing to marriages, but because of its effects on children.  Porn in the home pays forward dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours, passing on a heritage of sin and brokenness to the next generation.

Porn’s legacy in my life began with me feeling grossly unattractive and inadequate as a girl and eventually as a young woman.  It was the sentiment I experience now looking at a Cosmopolitan magazine in the grocery store multiplied by a thousand.  I didn’t know then that the images were not real.  My father was so captivated by these women, but I didn’t look anything like them.  Would any man ever want me?

The pictures also accelerated my sexual awareness.  I could sense when adults around me were attracted to each other and knew exactly what a locked door meant well before I had the emotional maturity to sort out how I felt about it.  I was confused, but I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it.  Sex was blatantly displayed around the house and yet I still felt a sense of shame about it.

Worst of all, these images distorted my view of myself as a woman.  I never saw pictures of men treating women with respect.  The women were always posed in such a way as to be “available for the man’s taking”.  The result in my young and impressionable mind was that the purpose of a woman was to be used by a man.  You’d think that this would be horrifying to a young girl, but it wasn’t.  I was actually petrified that I would never be “used” in that way by anyone.  I didn’t look like the women in the pictures, so I must not be desirable.  In my desperation to prove my own worthiness and desirability, I basically threw my virginity at the first guy I dated (who I didn’t even like!) because at least then I was desirable enough for someone to sleep with.

Hiding porn doesn’t erase its damage

In today’s world, grown-ups can hide their porn behind computer passwords, which I think provides a false sense of security. There’s no porn in the house; there’s only porn on the computer. It’s all tucked away, so it won’t hurt the kids, right?  Not so much.

Kids have a way of finding their parents’ secrets. My dad had movies, too.  They were at the back of the closet on a special shelf with a blanket on top of them.  I found them while looking for my game console, and knew exactly what they were.  I never watched one, but I easily could have.

Porn impaired my father’s parenting judgment.  If we are exposed to something over and over again, it becomes normal for us, and it takes more and more to produce a sense of shock.  While I was thankfully never in the room when the back-of-the-closet movies made their way onto the TV, I did see more than my fair share of inappropriate media content.  I spent countless hours watching shows with violent and sexual themes.  I was also taken to an R-rated movie at the tender age of 8.  Images of naked prostitutes from that film remain crystal clear in my mind more than 25 years later.  Worst of all, they have a habit of popping into my head when I’m making love to my husband.  Perfect.

Porn in the home compromised my stepmother’s parenting judgment.  I think that my stepmother was affected by desensitization as well.  Nudity was no big deal to her.  She would force me to change out of my swimsuit in public places in spite of my protests because she thought my objections were ridiculous.  During a group campout, the girls had to sponge-bathe outside while the boys watched.   This was no big deal for her, but it made me want to puke.  Could she have been so misguided without porn’s influence?  Perhaps.  But I’m guessing it didn’t help matters any.

A better legacy

The issues that I’ve mentioned still affect me to varying degrees today.  They didn’t just disappear when I grew up and got married.  I have many of the symptoms of porn use even though I have never voluntarily looked at it!  By God’s grace I have a wonderful husband who is captivated by me and only me.   Together and by God’s strength, we are building healthy attitudes and behaviours, trying to pass on a heritage of faith and wholeness in God to our children.   Won’t you join us?

Sheila says, Thanks so much for writing this, Anonymous! I appreciate it.

If you are struggling with porn in your house, here are some posts that can help:

The Top 10 Effects of Porn on your Marriage and Your Sex Life

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

What to do if you Catch Your Child Using Porn

The post How Porn in the House Affects Kids appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


A Testimony of Marriage, Anorexia, and Healing

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healing in marriage battling anorexia

Today, please welcome guest reader, Alyssa, as she shares her story of healing in marriage battling anorexia, and how God and her husband are daily helping her.  No battle is too big for God!

I grew up in a small town in Australia. I loved life in the country, there is something so freeing and satisfying about the open space, the fresh air and creation all around. It brings a peace and happiness to my heart! I was one of four kids to two amazing God centred parents. For as long as I can remember, my mum and Dad taught us about God’s word, what it meant to forgive, serve and love others. Growing up in one of the only Christian families in our small country town presented its challenges though. I was a sensitive child and from the age of 9+ I don’t really remember a time where I didn’t feel pressured or even taken advantage of. Some days I would return from school in tears only to have my mother and father sit beside me, warm me with their hugs and gently tell me to keep on loving and keep on forgiving. So I did.

But not dealing with these emotions properly left me more emotionally scarred then I could ever imagine.

Our family was different, and I knew that… but there was always a part of me, just like everyone I guess, that wanted to be accepted and fit in. By the time I hit high school, I felt an immense amount of pressure to not just be like everyone but also please everyone. I felt very insecure, timid and ugly… Along with this I had a perfectionist personality, was very quick to forgive and show kindness to everyone and therefore was walked all over. Amongst the bullying and identity issues, I was also sexually abused by several different boys/men throughout my teen years. Not only did I neglect to tell people about it, I didn’t deal with it properly, I didn’t understand it and I chose to keep forgiving and loving. When I turned 16, I moved out of home, taking myself to live in Sydney to study music and dance. I wanted to sing more than anything. Those few years in Sydney, although holding some of the greatest memories of my life, also hold some of the darkest. In those three years in Sydney, I studied full time, worked in the office of the performing arts school I attended, and went to a church that left me feeling lonely and left out. I got in a serious relationship with someone who did not want to know God at all, I had very little to no money, and I lost all four of my grandparents, whom I loved very much.

At the end of the year I left that school. I felt lonely, very isolated, overwhelmed. This is where my eating disorder came in.

At the time I didn’t realize what was wrong with me, just that I was slowly losing sight of who I was. It is now eight years later….And those last few years are also a blur. I have been in and out of treatment, private hospitals, have seen countless psychologists and counselors. In 2011, I went into a Christian Rehabilitation centre for Women struggling with addictions. It was the only program that worked for me and for a whole year I was walking free of the illness. It was in that year that my now husband proposed to me. Matt and I dated long distance.

He knew I struggled with an eating disorder, but we spent little time with each other so he was unaware of its deception, struggle and the hold it can have on one’s life.

But he knew I loved God and that despite my illness and current troubles, I persevered to love God and serve Him the best I could. At the end of 2011 I ventured into the Christian Rehabilitation. The program required me being cut off from all things, I went and lived on a farm with a dozen other women. We had no phone, access to internet and we were only allowed to watch TV on weekends for a movie night, or the news in between 4-6pm on weekdays. I communicated to people through letters. I spent my time learning to enjoy life, all of God’s goodness and meditated on His word day and night. This is what I believe healed me. I spent the next year celebrating life, enjoying peoples’ company and being thankful for what our Great God had done and would continue to do in me. I don’t know what went wrong; I have maybe spent too much time thinking about it.

But 2 weeks after we got married in November 2012, I suddenly fell back into old habits.

It wasn’t a gradual fall, it was quick and left us both feeling lost and unable to comprehend it. We had moved to Sydney, left all the people we knew and who supported us, we had very little money and struggled getting jobs. Life had thrown all different things at us, when marriage in itself seemed enough. So what has the last two years been like? Well, as most of you who are reading this would know, an eating disorder is a life threatening, serious, destructive illness. It’s a tyrant, its based on denial and deception. It involves stealing, lying, wasting money, time and life. For those who do not overcome it, unfortunately it results in death.

I am 24 years old, I weigh 37 kgs and am 174cm tall. I have Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa. In my spare time, I live under the control of this terrible illness… I steal money, I steal food, I throw it up. Sometimes a whole day will pass and I will not remember any of it, under the trance of this illness. I have spent hundreds of dollars in days, all on food that no one ever got to see.

When we have arranged to go out and be with people, I end up cancelling, either because I am too anxious about what they are going to think of me or because secretly I have been binge eating on food and cannot go anywhere because I need to throw it up. My husband has continuously forgiven me, time and time again. He has done nothing but love me with unconditional love. He has held me, both in tears and prayed. He has bought me flowers just to see me smile, he gave up an excellent job so that I could be closer to people for support, he has filled rooms full of balloons and filled them with tiny messages to remind me that he is here and isn’t giving up. He deliberately hops into bed before me to warm my side up, as I feel the cold. During a fight, I was still upset going to bed so I resided on the couch, half way through the night I felt someone’s arms pick me up and carry me to bed.

I heard a small whisper, ‘The only time we will ever sleep in separate beds is when we are apart and cannot be in the same bed together.’

He then wrapped his arms around me and held me until I had fallen back asleep. He has put up with the mood swings that come with the illness. Sometimes I say the most terrible, heart breaking and mean things, and he will sit there and simply respond with ‘Alyssa, I love you and I am not going anywhere.’ Matt has been so sacrificial. He has stayed with me through this, when most men in our day and age would probably walk away. He has been a wonderful witness and example of Christ’s love for us. He is a beautiful man. God has been so good to me.

My husband without a doubt is the greatest gift, other than God’s grace, that I have ever been given.

When we moved this year, I decided I didn’t want this illness any longer. I want to be free of it. It has been a hard journey so far, but by God’s grace I am very slowly getting there. We take each day as it comes, and we thank the Lord for the good days and the bad days. We are so grateful and see so many blessings around us and we want to focus on those things. Please keep us in your prayers as I learn to lean, whole-heartedly serve and depend upon God and find my satisfaction, worth and contentment in him. Please keep praying for my husband, Matt, that he will continue to find the strength he needs from God and that he would have wisdom to know how to love me best and look after me best.

The post A Testimony of Marriage, Anorexia, and Healing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Battle of Insecurity as a Mom

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Today’s guest post is from Sarah Ball, aka The Virtuous Woman Exposed, talking about insecurity as a mom. I dare you to get through this without laughing!

Insecurity as a Mom--one mom's funny story about Pap smears, surgery, and The Perfect Butt

I had 2 health care appointments recently – one for an overall health examination, the other for an overall women’s health examination. It doesn’t look good ladies. The diagnosis? I have saggy breasts and a saggy stomach full of stretch marks and there is no cure.

My first appointment was an overall health exam. I sat there obediently waiting for the doctor to come in, all dressed up in my wrap-around blue cotton gown. (What does one wear to accessorize?) The doctor examined me from head to toe. Asking mental health questions along the way. First my reflexes, then my throat, then my stomach, then my breasts.

“You don’t have any body image issues do you?” the doctor asked as he mechanically circulated my mamos. “Um no” I answered. “Should I?” I thought to myself. That was an odd question for a doctor to ask while doing a breast examination.

My 2nd appointment was a few days later for an even more thorough women’s health exam. The dreaded PAP. Thank goodness they changed the recommended checkup to once every 3 years. I chose to snub my family doctor based on his handsomeness and go to a women’s clinic at the hospital instead. A friendly female doctor came in, casual and confident.

“She does PAPS for a living, this should go quick and easy.” I thought to myself. I answered her standard questions, got dressed into my blue gown (I hate wearing the same thing twice in one week) and I positioned myself into THE most socially awkward position known to Woman.

Being near 40 and having had 5 children, I know they are going to ask me to scoot forward, more…(awkward) a little more… (awkwarder) and a little bit more (death by awkwardness). I am always hesitantly but obedient.

After the dreaded PAP test, the doctor examined my lower abdomen. “You know…” she said in a friendly tone “There’s nothing you can do about that, you could do 500 hundred crunches a day and you’ll never fix that.”

If I had an Adams Apple (which obviously I don’t or that appointment would have been even more awkward) I would have choked on it.

“A lot of women have opted for surgery, that is an option,” she said as she moved her examination upwards. She began her breast examination. “Nothing you can do for that either” she said as she checked for lumps. “There is surgery though, lots of women just go and get both done at the same time, they call it the Mommy Makeover.” Unprompted by me, she preceded to explain the surgical procedure and options.

I swallowed my imaginative Adams Apple and came out of my awkward trance just enough to say, “I’m actually not that bothered by it. I work out, I feel good, my husband is attracted to me, and I’m a pretty confident person.” She responded with a sympathetic smile as if she thought I was lying.

I am glad to say my smear was clear and I am lump free, however, I came away from that experience a little confused about my self-image.

My thoughts took over…

“Should I have surgery?” I asked myself “Do I want to give up my baby scars for a giant smiley scar, only so I look good in a bikini and lingerie?”

“Do I want to have higher breasts, when I have nursed 5 babies and I am super proud of that?”

“Should I be insecure?”

“Does my husband secretly wish I would get surgery?”

I know that insecurity is a battle all women will face from the time they are a developing little girl to an aged woman.

I have a teen and a 7 year old and I can see it in them. But how do we surrender to this fight when society is in our face about it? We can’t escape it; it’s everywhere. Just when we seem to have crawled back to confidence (either post baby, or hitting a new age, or succeeding at weight loss) we receive another blow.

I remember getting hit hard with insecurity right after the birth of my 5th child. I had gone to a hotel swimming pool with my husband and my 5 children, one being my 2-month-old newborn. Bathing suits and new baby bodies are the biggest clash of a mom, but I had ‘been-there-done-that’ and I had gotten over it. So I thought.

We walked into the pool area; the older kids dove in with dad as I yelled, “don’t run!” I looked around, proud of my cute baby, and then I saw Her and I froze.

There she was, in the flesh, ‘victoria-not-so–secret,’ in person, leaning over the poolside table. She was standing and leaning over a laptop with her perfect butt propped in the air, leaning in her string, no nothing bikini.

Frozen, I grabbed my baby boy and held him close to my body like I was nude and he was my towel. I ran to the hot tub and quickly submerged my 5-times over imploded baby body and sunk. I sunk literally and figuratively.

She leaned for ten minutes with her butt purposefully and seductively in the air and I molted. My husband was off swimming with the other kids and I kept wondering, if he had seen her. “Of course he has! EVERYONE has!” I thought to myself. Later my husband reassured me that without his glasses (which he had taken off for swimming) he was blinded and oblivious. (Good answer)

But in that moment, I imagined myself thrust onto a bare stage in my full piece full figured bathing suit standing next to her and her butt. The world and my husband were the judge. I felt humiliated

“And the award for best breeder goes too….drum roll……Sarah Ball”

“And the award for sexiest body and playboy bent over a lap top leaning position goes to…It’s unanimous! The Butt!” The crowd goes wild.

This attack had come out of nowhere. I was instantly thrust into an inner battle and I was forced to come to terms with my stretched baby badges and cellulite and face this demon head on.

This was probably the most insecure moment of my life.

“Should I hate her?” I questioned,

“Should I blame her for dressing and standing so provocatively?”

“Is she purposefully trying to mark her territory, including my husband?”

I closed my eyes, I tried to imagine her giving birth to triplets, and it didn’t help. I told myself she would be fat and old someday too. Nope, she still won. I was losing this battle and losing it fast.

I went home in tears. I cried for days, with my reassuring husband who would look me straight into my puffy face and tell me he would love me and always find me attractive no matter what. (How that translated into “So you DO think I’m fat!?” I will never know) I didn’t believe him. I was a wreck.

Soon, The Lord led me to a very hard question… Was I enough? That was a 2-part question. Was God enough AND Was I enough for God?

I faced this question with truth. Not with some superficial denial that my stretch marks are a gift from God to remind me of the most amazing experience life has to offer. REALLY?! The experience of puking bile for 3 months because there`s nothing left in your stomach, excessive heart burn, bulging varicose veins all leading to the climactic moment of torturous pain?! No thank you!

The truth was – I am grossly imperfect in the world’s eyes. I am technically “disfigured” as far as the definition of a perfect body goes. I am an overweight, stretched out, saggy mom, but I am beautiful, I am adored and I am enough.

I had to come to the realization that my self worth does not and cannot come from myself, the world, or even my adoring husband. My self worth comes from God.

I choose not to have surgery because the battle is within, not external and no scalpel is going to win it for me. I am determined to meditate on becoming the most beautiful woman in God’s eyes.

 Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

I WILL continue to eat right, exercise, look up 5 Ways to Make my Skin Glow, and drink plenty of water to make me look younger. I WILL still plan on wearing push up bras, pull in SPANX, and under eye concealer and I WILL always hate wearing a bathing suit in public.

However, I WILL keep meditating on God’s adoration for me, I WILL keep trying to respect my body’s changes, I WILL find victory in each insecure battle I face with the truth of God, and I WILL still go for regular awkward PAP tests.

Psalm 34:5 Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

sarah ballSarah Ball is a freelance writer, blogger and a mother of 5 children ages 3-15. She lives with her husband in a small town (by choice) in Alberta, Canada. You can follow her blog at Virtuous Woman Exposed.

Sarah says, “Head on over to my Virtuous Woman Exposed Facebook Page so we can be friends! You can also find me on Pinterest and Twitter.

The post The Battle of Insecurity as a Mom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Is the Christian Modesty Message Causing Women To Be Ashamed of Their Bodies?

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Does the Christian Modesty Message inadvertently get it wrong? A look at healthy modesty messages for girls that don't teach shame.Today I’m beginning a 3-part series on how we should reframe the messages that we give young people about sex and Christian modesty. As a Christian sex blogger I get so many emails from women who grew up in the church whose marriages were really hampered by shame that never should have been theirs, and I think we simply need to take a good look at what we’re actually saying, and then figure out how to say it differently.

Heads up: I’m about to challenge the Christian modesty message: the one that says that women need to dress very modestly, because unless they do, they will encourage lustful thoughts on the part of guys and lead them into sin.

I think that’s a dangerous way to frame it–dangerous to girls, and dangerous to guys, too.

But before I do that, I need to point something out. Let’s look at a pendulum, with “Girls can cause guys to lust and so must cover up” on one side, and “Girls can wear whatever they want and guys should deal with it” on the other. The problem is that when you argue against the first premise, people think you’re arguing FOR the second. So if you’re not arguing A, you must be arguing Z. But what if you’re actually arguing M?

I’ve written before that modesty DOES matter, and I do believe that. So please don’t accuse me of saying Z when I’m really saying M!

Okay, now with that intro, here goes! I’m going to deal first with how the Christian Modesty Message errs, and then look at how we can reframe it so that we’re still honouring God, respecting ourselves, and respecting each other.

How Christian Modesty Got Off Base

The Christian modesty movement gets its starting premise from this statement by Jesus:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matt. 5:28)
 (NIV)

So lust is a really big deal! And if that’s true, then women should do what they can to reduce the chances of lust, right?

Well, let’s take a look at this for a moment. Why did Jesus say this? Basically, in those days if a Pharisee saw a woman coming down the street, they would avert their eyes and walk to the other side of the street. Women were seen as temptresses, as evil, as shameful.

And Jesus put the burden right back on the Pharisees: “It’s not her fault if you lust. Lust is YOUR problem.”

Jesus was trying to remove shame from women and replace it with righteous sorrow for sin. That’s a good thing.

And yet what have we done?

We’ve placed the burden back on the girl again when we start making rules for how women should dress.

I’ve sat through events aimed at preteen girls which told them how many inches below the clavicle their shirts can be. I’ve been at homeschooling track meetings where girls were given measurements about what they should wear to track meets, and I’ve seen some families requiring their daughters to run the 1 km race in a long “Little House on the Prairie” skirt. And I wonder: What does this do to the girls?

I asked that question on Facebook last week, and one woman wrote this:

I grew up covering my body and its curves to help men not sin. We had to wear skirts and dresses to the ankle (at least that’s what we preferred: that allowed to to play Little House on the Prairie and hide my unshaven legs.) sleeves couldn’t be shorter then four inches off the shoulder. The neck line had to fit two fingers from the pit of the throat. Anything that cut deeper into the chest was immodest and “oh my gosh! Fix your shirt!” Nothing could be tight so as draw attention to the chest or hips. We weren’t even allowed to wear smooth fitting skirts-they all had to have enough gathering at the top to just flow over the body and not stick to it. How ridiculous we must have looked to others when we played homeschool baseball or basketball on the driveway. At fourteen my mother accused me of looking at my father with a sexual eye and told me that all men only want “one thing:sex” and that it was on their minds all the time. The way I dressed would help them not to sin.

I know that is an extreme example, but I have seen it in real life. And I think even when Christian modesty isn’t enforced to that extreme, it still has some negative repercussions, like these:

Legalistic Standards for Modesty Teach Girls Their Bodies Are Dangerous

If your body can cause someone to sin, then your body is a source of shame. It’s something dangerous, lust-inducing, almost sinful, in and of itself. If the mere sight of your curves can cause someone else to err, then your curves must somehow be bad.

I know this is not the intention when people teach modesty. I’ve heard of the “secret keeper” approach which says that what you have is lovely, but it’s just yours, and it isn’t to be shared, and I think that approach can work. But often it’s laced with the message that if you don’t keep the secret, you lead others into sin.

What happens, then, if someone really does sin? Let’s say that you’re date raped, or someone says some derogatory things about your body. You now believe that it is your fault because you’ve grown up thinking that men cannot resist seeing curves, and so if they act inappropriately, it must be because they saw too many of your curves. It puts the burden for sin in the wrong place. And if women start feeling shameful of their curves, as if their body is the enemy, how in the world are they supposed to start liking their bodies and being comfortable sharing their bodies with their husbands once they get married? If you’ve been taught from the time you’re small to worry about your body, it’s really difficult to start seeing it as a good thing that can bring you and  your husband pleasure. The very fact that he wants pleasure from your body seems somehow twisted already.

When I was a teenager I worked in a Christian bookstore. A woman who had only recently become a Christian worked there part-time. She was 30, single, and drop-dead gorgeous. She could have been a Victoria Secret model. She dressed very fashionably, but also very modestly. No cleavage, lots of turtlenecks (it’s Canada, after all), and nothing too tight. Yet week after week the elders would sit her down and tell her that she needed to dress more modestly because men were lusting after her. Her clothes were not the problem–it was her beauty, and she could do nothing about that. They were calling her beauty sinful. She finally just went to another church.

Legalistic Christian Modesty Teaches Girls that Boys “Only Want One Thing”

The Christian modesty message also says that boys are basically helpless to withstand this onslaught of seeing girls’ curves. All guys, including all older men, will lust if they see you. I’m not sure how that message is supposed to make women like men.

When I was 19 years old I went on a summer missions trip to Tunisia. It was very scarring for me, because every time we were on crowded public transport (which was quite a lot), men would literally feel me up. I could never tell which man it was, because we were jammed into buses, but I’d have hands all over me. When I got back to North America it was about  two months before I could look a man in the eyes again. I had tried so hard the whole time I was there to not catch anyone’s attention, and it didn’t work. Men became the enemy.

We’re doing the same thing. But let’s face it: If a guy will fall into lust because he sees a girl with a V-neck T-shirt on (even if there’s no cleavage), what in the world is he going to do if he walks through the mall?

Legalistic Modesty Teaches Girls that THEY Don’t Lust

I’m going to let my daughter explain this one. I think she does it very well:

Legalistic Christian Modesty is Just That: Legalistic

We’re told in 1 Timothy 2:9:

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,

Dressing modestly is important. But notice that the text does not define what decency and propriety is. When we start to define it rigidly, then we are becoming legalistic. What is modest in one culture is not modest in another. There aren’t absolutes. When I was in Kenya, showing cleavage was less offensive than showing bare shoulders (though the children’s home where we were didn’t show either). Things vary by culture. The spirit is important: we all should be modest. How that is lived out, though, is ultimately up to the individual, and should not be imposed, or else you are adding to Scripture.

It’s interesting, but one of my friends pointed out that in the Old Testament, the dress that was criticized was unisex. It was very clear: men should look like men; women should look like women. Women have curves, and I think that’s okay.

 Let’s Change the Message!

1. Point to God, not rules.

Whatever we do, we are to do it to the glory of God. So when we dress, we should be glorifying to God. Teach young people, both guys and girls, to ask themselves that question: am I portraying myself as a child of God? If everybody asked themselves that question, a lot of problems would go away anyway. And having girls dress modestly for the wrong reasons doesn’t glorify God. He cares about the heart, not the outward appearance.

2. Don’t give a double standard.

Dress codes are fine, especially at teenage events, I think. Most schools have dress codes (no spaghetti straps, no low-rise jeans, etc.). But if you have a dress code, it should be focused on both guys and girls, not just girls. So say something like, “Girls, no string bikinies, guys, no speedos. When out of the water, T-shirts should be worn by all at all times.”

 3. Allow for beauty

Another woman on Facebook wrote this:

I too was taught that it was my responsibility to dress so that guys didn’t lust after me. Even if I dressed modestly but looked pretty that was a problem because when a much older guy made unwanted physical and verbal advances toward me it was my fault. After all, how could I blame him? I was told that If I wasn’t “so pretty” or if I wasn’t “so fun to be around” then none of this would happen. It was hard because I was never really taught how to enjoy my body. Things were either unflattering / too big or were “too sexy.” The line between the two extremes was not explained… I developed my own style and have loosened up, but even after a year of marriage, I still struggle with knowing how to be sexy at home and what is too sexy for out in public.

So many households and churches talk so much against what clothes to wear that they never talk about how to be beautiful. Most girls yearn to be beautiful. Let’s start talking about how all of us are fearfully and wonderfully made; how the urge to be beautiful for women is universal and God-given; and then show girls how beauty doesn’t need to mean sexy. You can be totally lovely without twerking, so to speak. Beauty is not the enemy, and we need to acknowledge that girls want to be beautiful, and guide them about how to be truly beautiful.

Tomorrow we’ll ask whether the purity culture contributes inadvertently to sexual hang-ups, and whether there’s a different way to frame it, too.

Now I’d like to hear from you: how did the Christian modesty message affect your view of your body (or did it?) How are you teaching your children? Let me know in the comments!

Good Girls Guide My SiteIf you’re struggling with understanding sex, enjoying your body, and not being ashamed of it, please take a look at my book, The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. It’s a fun book, and it explains in detail how God made sex to be intimate emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I think you’ll find it really helpful in dispelling some of the negative things you were taught!

 

Other Posts in The Healthy Sexuality Series:
Does the Christian Purity Message Make Women Ashamed of Sex?
Do We Need to Stop Using the Term Virgin?

 

 

The post Is the Christian Modesty Message Causing Women To Be Ashamed of Their Bodies? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Ways to Show Your Husband He’s Important After the Baby Comes

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How to show your husband he's important after the baby comes!

How do you show your husband he’s important when you have a new baby and you’re exhausted?

A reader asks this question:

I’m wondering what there is that I can do to make sure my husband feels looked after in the time after a baby arrives. We just welcomed our first 16 days ago and I feel bad for my husband because taking care of the baby takes so much time I feel like I have no time to take care of his needs too. Do you have any advice? I know it’s very soon after baby but I want to make sure my husband knows he’s still a priority despite how much the baby needs.

That is a challenge, isn’t it? I’d say carve out “us time” when the baby goes in the swing for half an hour, but my youngest was colicky and that wouldn’t even have been an option. So I asked Arlene Pellicane, author of Growing Up Social and 31 Days to a Happy Husband, to share her best tips for letting your husband know he still matters to you.

When our first baby came into the world ten years ago, he was like little Simba being presented in the Lion King.  That exalted, tiny 7-pound lump was about to cause some serious changes to the kingdom of our home.  When baby makes three, it’s extremely helpful to realize that baby is prince (or princess) but daddy is still king.

If you’re not intentional about it, your husband can become like wallpaper in your home, quietly existing while all your attention goes to your sweet baby.

Here are the TOP TEN ways to make your husband feel special after baby:

Keep gazing into his eyes. 

The picture of a mom gazing into her baby’s eyes is powerful and iconic.  Deep bonding happens through this eye contact.  Make sure you spend time gazing into your husband’s eyes too.  You don’t have to stare at him for hours, but whenever you have the chance, savor each opportunity to look into his eyes.  By the way, this includes putting your phone down more often and looking him in the eyes when talking.
Top Ten

Oxytocin is for him too. 

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone – if you’re breast feeding, oxytocin is produced so you feel close to your baby.  When you kiss or hug your baby, your oxytocin level goes up and you like your baby more.  Guess what?  Oxytocin is necessary for you and your husband too!  Don’t forget to kiss, hug, and make love (once you’re physically able to again) to your man.  It will make you like him more and vice versa.

Kiss everyday for 5 seconds. 

In my book, 31 Days to a Happy Husband, I interviewed sex therapists Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner who suggested a daily 5 – 30 second kiss.  Since you have a baby, I’m making the assignment easier:  5 seconds will do!  Let your husband know that this daily kiss is not the “GO!” signal.  It’s just a way that you want to stay close and keep the pilot light lit between you.  These 5 seconds will speak volumes to your husband.  Just 5 seconds will let him know you still find him desirable and you care about him.

Bring on the babysitter.

Whether it’s a grandparent or a trusted teenager, hire a babysitter so you can go out.  Sometimes mothers are afraid to leave their precious baby, but trust me on this one.  As long as your baby is being watched responsibly, your baby will not remember that you went on a 3-hour date when he or she was 6 months old.  (But your husband will).

Skip the donut.

I had three babies and two miscarriages in my 30s.  My weight went up of course with each pregnancy, and it meant a lot to my husband when he saw me trying to lose that baby weight.  Men are wired to be visually stimulated so don’t be mad at your husband if he would love to see your “before pregnancy” body back.  Obviously your body changes through the years.  But when you skip the donut and grab the apple instead, it communicates you are doing your best to by physically healthy which means a lot to your husband.

Plan for sex. 

Exhausted and sleep deprived, you may not want to have spontaneous sex for a very long time!  But when your body is able, plan for romance and put it on the calendar.  Dr. David Clarke says parents who don’t schedule their sex, don’t have sex.  I agree!  You’ve got to make room in your calendar for what’s most important to your marriage and lovemaking falls into that category.

When baby naps, you nap.

It’s hard to be a caring wife, let alone an amorous one, when you are so sleepy and tired.  When your baby takes a nap, leave the laundry alone.  Fall off the planet with social media.  Don’t watch TV.  Take a nap instead.  The more you can snatch pockets of time to catch up on your zzz’s, the nicer you will be to your husband and everyone else.

Connect with other positive moms.

You need time with adults who are not burping, drooling, or needing to be changed.  This way you’re not expecting your husband to meet every conversational need in your life.   Join MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or other mom group that will connect you to positive moms.  Or you can have a weekly playdate with a friend who has a child similar in age.  Just make sure that the moms you hang out with are positive.  Avoid moms who constantly complain about their spouses and their kids.  Complaining is contagious and that’s a virus you don’t want to catch.

Pray for your spouse.

My friend Sharon Jaynes has a wonderful book, Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe.  It’s easy to use, giving you Scriptures to pray over your man to protect and bless him.  As you bring your husband to God in prayer, he will feel your prayers and love.  And your heart will turn towards your husband.  When you’re praying for your husband, it’s hard to be irritated or callous toward him.

Respect his opinion.

Yes, you may know more about how the baby should be burped and when she was last changed, but when your husband has something to say about parenting, listen to him.  Continue to show him respect in your marriage, especially in this new role of child rearing.  So many men feel inept as fathers because their wives make them feel foolish.  Instead view parenting as a team sport, where both husband and wife have something valuable to offer.

Okay…which way are you going to practice today to make your hubby feel special?  After all, it’s awfully hard to compete with a 7-pound lump of cuteness and perfection! 

family website

Arlene Pellicane31 Days to a Happy Husband: What a Man Needs Most from His WifeArlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (co-authored with Gary Chapman), 31 Days to a Happy Husband, and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife.

Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, The Better Show, The 700 Club, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, and TLC’s Home Made Simple.

She and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children.  You can learn more about her ministry at www.ArlenePellicane.com

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The Unglamorous Life of a Porn Star–and Why We Don’t Have to Compete

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PureEyesCleanHeartIt’s Wednesday, that day that we always talk marriage! Today’s guest post is from Jennifer Ferguson, whose husband, Craig, battled through and recovered from a pornography addiction. Together they’ve written the book Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography. Today she tells part of her story and how she had an attitude shift, regarding the unglamorous life of a porn star.

I used to think the voluptuous girls with the sleek bodies, cascading hair, and pouty lips were the enemies.

I would think horrid thoughts about them, judging them as they flaunted their goods in front of a camera to be broadcast for the entire world to see. I judged them the first time I saw them by accident on my husband’s computer screen and every time the incident replayed itself in my mind.

Unglamorous Life of a Porn Star

I couldn’t ask him, “What do they have that I don’t?” because the answer was obvious to me: Everything.

And it seemed that everything I had was detrimental to my ability to even try to get close to achieving what they had:

  • Baby fat…from 2 babies
  • An “A” cup
  • Stretch marks
  • Cellulite

The only time my lips were pouty was when I was complaining about lack of sleep. Not sure that jives with the sex appeal I was going for.

Even though I knew I could never look like them (at least, not on my budget), I tried to do what I could. I lost weight. I became a runner. I started trying to look better generally (a.k.a. taking five minutes to throw on some mascara).

But a shrinking me didn’t equate to less porn use by my husband. Trying to become more like them did not draw him more towards me. And the bitterness and rage building in my heart towards these porn stars started making me a jealous fool regarding any woman.

I gave anyone the power to make me feel less-than without the utterance of one single word. All they had to do was walk by. Wear a low-cut shirt. Breathe.

As Craig started his journey to freedom from porn addiction, God pointed out I had been ensnared by images of fantasy, too. Where he had been trapped by lust, I had been trapped by comparison.

Somehow, while working on our book, a miracle happened. I found myself filled with compassion for these women who had paraded across the screen and in my husband’s mind. Those whom I perceived as home-wreckers, I now viewed as women with wrecked hearts. Those whom I thought had it all, I realized had very little: safety, self-worth, family who cared. Those I thought were the definition of sexy were actually sex slaves.

Instead of spending so much time pitying myself, I found myself weeping for them.

And repenting. I had judged deeply and wrongly. I had let hate obscure my vision, not only of them, but also of myself. I thought I knew their world, but the truth is, I knew nothing. I started to turn my harsh language into compassionate prayers, that the women in the industry would find freedom, hope, and Jesus.

Because no one should think this is the way to live. No one should think they are worth nothing more than what the porn industry has to offer. The grass is definitely not greener. Consider these facts:
• One male pornographic performer, Rocco (600 films and 3,000 women), said: “Every professional in the porn-world has herpes, male or female.” (www.covenanteyes.com)
• The average life expectancy of a porn performer is only 37.43 years. The average American lives to be 78.1 years old. (www.shelleylubben.com/porn-industry)
• The US adult film industry earns between $9-13 billion annually. Performers make $400-$1000 per shoot and are not compensated based on distribution or sales. (www.shelleylubben.com/porn-industry)
• “Nobody really wants to date a porn star, stripper or escort. Also the whole family thing and having kids, I’m like ‘who’s gonna have kids with an ex-porn star,’” Belmond said, according to the Christian Post. “And even when I’m 60 I’m still gonna have this porn on the Internet. It’s like having a virus or something that never goes away.” Vanessa Belmond, former porn star (http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/10/24/ex-porn-star-reveals-the-horrors-of-working-in-the-sex-industry/)

Ladies, these women, or any woman, you deem as prettier, sexier, whatever-ier, is not your enemy. As Paul writes in Ephesians, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12, NIV)

When you feel the need to compare, pray.

Pray for yourself that God might show you how intricately you were made.

Pray for the woman you feel you’re up against, that she might know the same – that there is a God who loves her passionately.

Pray thanksgiving for beauty – that which is in you and every other sister – the beauty that is worn on the outside as well as the beauty that blooms on the inside.

Pray against the forces of darkness that belittle, that lie, that damage – those things within the porn industry and all the other dark places in this world.

And pray there would be no room for bitterness or rage to take root, for there is little beauty in those things at all.

JenniferFergusonPure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from PornographyJennifer Ferguson and her husband Craig are the authors of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn to be part of Wifey Wednesday! What advice do you have for us today? Leave the link to your marriage post in the linky below.



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Wifey Wednesday: Why to Work Out as a Couple

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Workout as a CoupleIt’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today welcome Jenn Faulk, who is sharing the life-changing effects and benefits that working out as a couple has had on her marriage. At the end, Jenn has a special gift for all my readers!

Four years ago, my husband was told that he needed to get fit… or else.

It was a doomsday diagnosis for us, a young pastor and his homemaker wife struggling to make a difference at a very difficult church. Stress levels were high but not nearly as high as my sweet husband’s blood pressure. When his doctor discovered this problem during a routine checkup, he told Wes there were two options — get fit or go on medication.

Like most young pastors and their wives, we doubted we could afford the medication, so we decided to go with the other option and get in shape together. Neither one of us could run a quarter of a mile at that point, so it was with great faith, anticipation, and even a little bit of fear that we signed up for our first race (so that we had a looming deadline on the calendar to keep us accountable) and began training, one tiny step at a time.

What we learned in the process was that getting in shape together, as a team, would do a lot for our health and abundantly more for the health of our marriage.

Here are just a few of the benefits we’ve discovered in working out as a couple.

1.  It makes you better teammates, on and off the pavement.

Communication is crucial in marriage, but it’s so easy to fall into patterns where we don’t adequately express ourselves or completely listen either one. In putting together a plan to work out together and actually making it happen, you’ll find that you’re more deliberate and intentional about communicating. I know that I’m never more communicative than when we’re eighteen miles into a race and I feel like dying. The freedom I feel at that point to say all kinds of things to Wes (some good, some not) honestly carries over to real life, where mundane tasks sometimes lull us into a routine that strangles real communication. Because we’ve learned to express ourselves in cheering one another on and supporting each other through physical challenges, we’re better able to keep our communication open in our everyday lives.

2.  It gives you goals to work towards together.

Remember when you first married and you had crazy dreams of all you’d do together? Everyday life and the routines we find ourselves in can sometimes rob our marriages of this wonderful practice. By tackling a fitness goal together, you’ll find yourselves dreaming big again! That first race we put on our calendar years ago gave us a definite goal to work towards together. It was such a blessing to us to have this common ground to keep coming back to and looking towards, even when life was, at time, difficult and challenging. As you work together to meet your goal, you’ll go through tough situations, challenging times, and celebrations. This only makes you better prepared for the very same experiences you’ll have in life as well.

3.  It gives you more time with one another.

When we started running, we had two preschool-aged children who sounded more like thirty preschool-aged children when they got worked up. (More like thirty wild chimpanzees. True story.) Time together where we could have coherent thoughts much less conversation was a challenge, but we loaded our girls up in a double jogging stroller packed with sippy cups, snacks, and toys and fought for those precious few minutes where we could run together. Now that our girls are older and more self-sufficient, life is still crazy busy, and the time we get to work out is sometimes the only time we get to be alone together. We guard it jealously and can honestly attest to how those miles covered side by side have been foundational in our marriage. That time alone together, even now, away from the demands of a busy home and the responsibilities that come with it, is priceless. (And the weekend trips away to go and run a race out of town, while the grandparents watch the girls? Bliss!)

4.  It makes the bedroom more exciting.

Speaking of those trips away (ahem), getting fit together makes for an all around boost in intimacy. If Wes had known this, he’d have gotten us into running much earlier, honestly. The confidence that comes with being in shape combined with the endurance that results from pushing your limits physically… well, need I say more?

5. It gives you another opportunity to glorify God together.

When we take the time to take care of our bodies as God calls us to do, we’re better equipped to serve Him. Getting in shape and adopting a healthier lifestyle alongside your husband benefits your health and his individually, making it far more likely that you’ll have more quality, healthful years ahead with which to serve Christ. We pray for daily health and strength to give back to Him as an offering, and staying in shape together has made it possible for us to do more than we could have imagined we’d be able to do this far into our ministry together.

This past year, Wes and I celebrated ten years of marriage by running our tenth marathon together.

One of the sweetest times of our marriage thus far has most definitely been the time we’ve spent running together, working towards better health alongside one another, putting our minds and hearts to a shared goal, and celebrating every finish line hand in hand.

In this season of fresh starts and new resolutions, let me encourage you to consider beginning to dream about, work towards, and meet fitness goals with your husband. It doesn’t have to be something huge to count. Start where you are and do what you can do, trusting that the effort you put into it will be of great gain down the road for your health, your life, and your marriage.

ResolutionsAs a special gift for all To Love, Honor and Vacuum readers.  She is offering her book Resolutions FREE on Kindle for January 14, 2015 only!

Check out her Amazon book page for other books Jenn has written, too.

Jenn FaulkJenn Faulk is a full time mom and pastor’s wife in Pasadena, Texas.  She has a BA in English-Creative Writing from the University of Houston and an MA in Missiology from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.  She loves talking about Jesus, running marathons, listening to her daughters’ stories, and serving alongside her husband in ministry.  You can contact her through her blog www.jennfaulk.com

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Do you have some advice for us today? Link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below, and then remember to link back here so that other people can read these great marriage posts!

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On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband

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Do too many of us women “let ourselves go” once we’re married?

Last night we held a bridal shower for close family and close family friends at my house for my oldest daughter, and we got talking afterwards.

And today I’m in a chatty mood, so I thought I’d share some of our thoughts, some of our conversations, and a few pictures.

Last night, at the shower, we played a game I made up called “match these romantic quotes to movies”. It was actually pretty fun–I might write a post on things to do at wedding showers after all this is over and provide a download. Becca’s had about 4 showers, so we’ve had lots of samples of different games I could share with you! (UPDATE: You can download the “name that movie quote” bridal shower game here).

photo

But at the end of the end of the evening we got talking with Donna, a friend of mine but also an especially close friend of the girls since she was their youth leader for years.

Donna Shower

(Seriously–can you see why I need the photography bundle? Why are my photos always blurry?!?!)

Donna’s a newlywed herself. During the shower I was passing around a notebook so that everyone could write in marriage advice (Katie’s to her sister: “Don’t get pregnant on your honeymoon!“). And as we discussed all of it after most people had left, we got talking about how far too many women let themselves go.

Now I am not trying to shame anyone this morning.

I know that many of us deal with weight issues. I know that many of us are exhausted with little kids, and really–everyone should get a pass while the kids are under 18 months old. Seriously. It’s tough.

But at some point you’ve got to let yourself be a woman again.

Rebecca said last night, “Of course your husband is supposed to love you no matter what and always find you beautiful no matter what. But do you really want to test the ‘no matter what’?” She’s got a point. I mean, how would we feel if he tested it for us?

When we say those vows, we’re not just vowing to stay committed our whole lives. We’re vowing to create an assume, dynamic marriage our whole lives–inasmuch as it depends on us.

And I think that means making some effort to show that you still take pride in yourself and in your husband.

You still think of yourself as a woman first. You still respect yourself.

And always wearing yoga pants or sweat pants and shapeless t-shirts and shapeless ponytails or stringy hair just doesn’t do that.

It really doesn’t.

I wrote a blog series a few years ago called “Fight the Frump”, and on day 1 I showed how I can make myself look perfectly presentable–nice clothes, jewelry, basic makeup, fluffed up hair–in under 4 minutes. It doesn’t take a lot of time.

Behold the before and after pics:

Don't let yourself be frumpy! Let's fight the frump, ladies! #marriage

Fighting the Frump: It doesn't have to take long to look decent!

That’s it–just four minutes.

Read the whole series on fighting the frump. There are also posts on makeup, accessories, and more (the links are in that first post).

In fact, it takes no more time in the morning to put on a flattering top as it does to put on a shapeless t-shirt. It takes no more time to put on a pair of jeans that fit nicely than it does to put on a pair of sweat pants (okay, maybe you have to do up a zipper with a pair of jeans. But that’s not too much to ask). And, in fact, in the summer it takes less time to put on a pretty sundress than it does to put on ugly shorts and a baggy t-shirt!

And when you take care in your appearance, you feel more motivated throughout the day.

You walk with an extra spring in your step! It’s like Flylady, the housekeeping wizard, always says: “Put on your shoes!” When you have shoes on, you feel like you’re at work. And then you actually get stuff done.

This isn’t even a weight issue. There are enough clothing choices available that you can find clothes that flatter–just watch a few episodes of What Not to Wear. It’s all about whether or not we’re willing to put in the effort.

Whenever I talk about this I inevitably have women say, “my husband doesn’t like me to dress up. He likes the girl next door look with no makeup and with jeans, not skirts or girly things.” And perhaps that’s true. Some people can pull it off nicely. But honestly: look at those two pictures. Which one would most husbands feel more comfortable with? Which one would a husband feel proud to walk out of the house with?

I think men should think we’re beautiful even without makeup, but that doesn’t mean that we should never put in an effort for him to say, “I want you to see that I still want to look good for you. Sure, you’ve promised you’ll love me no matter what, but I love myself, too, I love our marriage, and I want you to be super proud!

That’s just one bit of marriage advice we talked about, but I think it’s an important one.

Here’s one little thing that I do, that I thought of after writing all these posts on fighting the frump! (Blogging about marriage really does make you more intentional about your own marriage!). Every night, about 15 minutes before Keith gets home, I go upstairs and put on a bit of makeup and change into a really nice shirt or a sundress, if I’ve been wearing more leisurely clothes earlier. I just like to greet him at the door looking my best. Not because I’m an object, and not because I’m being shallow, but because it’s part of how I can honour him.

Fight the Frump!

What about you? Do you struggle with letting yourself go? Do you find this is a common problem with women that you know? How do you “fight the frump”? Let me know in the comments!

 

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Wifey Wednesday: How God Wrote Our Love Story

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Sometimes the love story we dream of isn’t the one we end up living. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not also a love-ly story.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And I give you a chance to link up your marriage posts in the linky below, too.

How God Wrote Our Love StoryToday Samantha Lee-Wiraatmaja from Godly Womanhood joins us to tell us about her love story. Here’s Samantha:

My husband and I love how God wrote our love story.

We’ve shared that story to many, and have been asked to share our wedding vows to youths learning about God-centered relationships. But before I tell the story of how God brought us together, I always start with a different story. One that is darker and a little sad, but more beautiful. A slightly less magical story but filled nonetheless with the rays of His glory. Without this story, telling of how God wrote our love story is just an empty promise of fluffy fairytale spirituality.

Because real love stories don’t end on the wedding day. We don’t belong to such short-lived tales that end with vague hazy promises of happily ever after. We belong in the halls of great men & women who found something worth fighting for and gave their lives for it. Stories filled with a little less fairy dust and a little more blood and tears. Stories that echo through the ages. Because God doesn’t just write great falling-in-love stories; He writes kick-ass, staying-in-love, submission-with-an-attitude, powerhouse-marriage stories too.

I want to tell you the story of what happened after we said “I do.”

It broke my heart. Marriage broke me into so many pieces there was no way I could be put together again.

I can only remember one promise that I’ve held onto growing up – one day, I’d meet a man who would see me for who I was and love me wholeheartedly for it.

I hid that promise in my heart for years, waiting and saving myself for that one man who’d see and cherish who I was – spirit, soul, and body. I resolved to give my heart & deepest parts of my soul only to this man, if he be found, or none at all.

I cherished this promise in my heart as the single most priceless treasure.

When God brought Alex & I together, it involved so much of the divine – dreams, visions, prophecies, that led us to each other – that I knew without a doubt this was the man I’d been waiting for all my life.

I also believed that he was God’s fulfillment of the promise I’d held onto for so long.

Then he began breaking my heart… and wouldn’t stop. Each wound tore a little deeper into that precious promise I’d kept wrapped so carefully in the innermost chambers of my heart.

He’d flirt with other women, sometimes while I was right beside him. He yelled at me for being hurt by it. He watched pornography with the intention to hurt & punish me.

He occasionally told me that he wished I was someone else. He wished I had this woman’s body, or that woman’s personality. He told me that he wished I was another woman as she’d do a better job of impressing his family than I was doing.

Each time left my self-esteem and dignity in pieces. I lived in the wreckage, unable to come to terms with the fact that “the one” promised by God was also the one tearing that long-cherished promise to shreds.

This man had been given access to parts of my soul that no one else knew, and with every betrayal he told me that who I was was simply not good enough.

And I turned on him with a vengeance.

I threw things (like his laptop. right out the window). I punched him, (everywhere I could except his face. because, ouch). We threw hurtful words intended to devastate the other.

And I allowed bitterness to harden my heart, turning me into someone (cruel, violent) I could no longer recognize. I relished the darkness and the pain, perversely believing that it was what I deserved.

We lived apart for awhile, and then we lived for months like strangers sharing a bed. I cried myself to sleep night after night, the coldness & distance between us made even more unbearable within the confines of the bedroom.

I wanted him to say something, do something – I so desperately wanted him to fight for me.

But he wouldn’t, couldn’t. He was as hurt, scared, and helpless as I was. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. Most times he was sweet, tender, loving. He loved me and he loved God. It distressed him to see me so broken by his actions. But he couldn’t help it, and the way I behaved in return only made matters worse. You see, we bring the baggage of our family heritage into our marriages – addictions, patterns of communication, models of the marriage covenant, and plenty of childhood issues. And unless we intentionally decide to cultivate a new heritage in Christ, we’re just repeating the harmful patterns we’ve grown up with.

We were both drowning, clawing at each other in a desperate attempt to stay afloat, not realizing that we were only pulling each other further down into the cold darkness.

But paradoxically, it was when we reached the end of our rope that we found salvation.

I hit that lowest point when I realized that Alex might never change. He might keep doing things to hurt me and not care. He might never respond in the way I wanted him to, comforting me and taking responsibility for this actions.

All those things might never change, but what could change was me. I didn’t have to keep living in darkness and pain.

The Lord began to speak to me a message of deep comfort that began to heal my heart. He showed me that I didn’t have to wait for Alex to comfort me for the hurt he’d caused, or even to acknowledge the things he’d done.

Because ever since Eve, every woman longs for her husband to rise up. To fight – for her, their marriage, and most of all, her heart.

And unless we run to God every single day with our vulnerable hearts, we end up taking matters into our own hands. Just like Eve did.

We need to come every day to our Father’s throne. Fall down at His feet, throwing down every pain and shattered dream. There, healing waters flow to cleanse & heal our hearts. There, we feel His love wrap around the places in our souls that have gone without love for so long.

Because this is the truth that set me free: We can count all our grievances, name them one by one. And chances are, every single one of them are valid. But there is no freedom there. We will go round in circles, waiting for him to make amends. Or we can be free right here and now, regardless of where he is or what he does.

Not that we don’t try to make things right. We do what we need to (keeping our hearts pure, responding in a godly manner to our husbands) and then we need to let God be God, and let the man be the man. The man must have space to rise up, and for God to work with him, without the woman rushing in to do everything for him (we’re not doing him any favors when we do).

While the Lord was restoring me, He was doing the same with Alex. We stopped trying to get the other to fill the empty places in our hearts and found that it was God, not man, that completes us. And in doing so, we began to find all the things we’d thought would be lost to us forever – love, laughter, and a tenderness between two comrades who’ve witnessed the horrors of war together and survived.

Through the period of healing & strengthening, the Lord began to speak to me about promises.

He opened His Word to me in a new way and asked me this: Was I willing to let God’s promise in my life die?

That precious, precious promise I’d been holding onto since I was a little girl – would I let it fall to the ground and die? Because fruit only comes when a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies (John 12:24), and out of it will grow much fruit that will bless others.

Through the story of Abraham’s testing (Genesis 22), the Lord showed me this: When the promise that I’ve held on to for so long has to be sacrificed is when it is revealed that the greatest reward is the Lord.

The day I said “Yes” to Him and let that promise go is the day my heart was set free. A gust of fresh air blew into my soul and all the pain and darkness began to be washed away.

I found so much freedom in saying, “Yes Lord, I give up my right for a man who loves me perfectly. I lay it as a sacrifice, and I trust that you will provide.”

I didn’t realize till then how tiring it had been to hold on so tightly to that promise, always afraid that it might get lost or broken. And in leaving it all behind, I found incredible freedom that I could abandon my interests because someone else was looking after me.

And what of our marriage? Well, I am happy to say that all the smashing of computers (me), punching (me), and screaming (me again) has stopped…. as has the flirting and pornography.

He has turned our mourning to dancing, our sorrow into joy, our despair to hope. He took zealous idealism and tested it in the fire so that conviction-filled reality emerged that was worth much more than gold.

Are we still on the road to recovery? Oh yes, definitely. I think we’ll be on that journey for the rest of our lives.

But do we find joy in the journey? You bet. God doesn’t stop writing our love stories after we say “I do” – in fact He’s only just getting started.

Marriage broke my heart.

It broke my heart of stone. So God could build a new heart in me. A heart of flesh. (read: Ezekiel 36:26)

Because a God-written love story is not all perfect fluff and fairy dust. It looks more like the cross – messy, painful, blood everywhere. But God covers it. And we slowly work our way back to the perfect harmony of Eden, just as God intended marriage to be.

 

samanthaSamantha Lee-Wiraatmaja is the writer at Godly Womanhood and owns + designs the Godly Womanhood Shop. Romance is the greatest inspiration, motivation, and dream of her life. She dreams to see Romance of the gospel – the fullness of Eden – restored between God and man. She is passionate about seeing women reach the fullness of their potential.

Wifey Wednesday: Christian marriage posts

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of your marriage post (please, only marriage, no cooking) in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!

 

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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I Hate it When My Husband Touches Me THERE

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Reader Question: I hate my breasts being touched! What do you do if one part of your body turns you off--but your husband likes to touch it?“Help! I hate my breasts being touched!”

Every Monday I like to take a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I think we don’t talk about very much: what do you do if there’s one part of your body that you absolutely HATE being touched during sex? One woman writes:

My husband is obsessed with my breasts and I loathe having them touched 49 times out of 50. If, and it’s a big if, I am super super in the mood I can tolerate them being kissed if it’s brief and there are no hands involved. As soon as they get grabbed/brushed/rubbed/whatever, I at the minimum am set way back on the “in the mood” scale and at worst go absolutely cold and want him to get away from me immediately. For 6 years I’ve been telling him to leave my breasts alone and for 6 years almost daily he has been making grabs at them and more recently telling me I’m withholding.

He’s a wonderful husband, but why can’t I have one thing that I am allowed to say “I’m not comfortable with that”? No reasoning or excuse has made any difference to him in what he feels is his God-given right. Most women ARE turned on by it…but I’m not one of them. On the contrary, it’s a huge turn off. He’s not rough or mean or anything. He’s a wonderful man. I just hate being touched there. (Side note: nursing children felt like a huge amount of self sacrifice for the same reason so it’s not an issue with my husband). He wants me to just get over it. How?! Just tolerate something that I despise just to make him happy? Then what? How can I get in the mood when I want to bolt from the room? I have no issues with being touched elsewhere and he’s always considerate in virtually every other area of our marriage. This one “small” issue has become a big hang up for us and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

From,

The wife who flunks at foreplay

You’re Not Alone! Many Women Don’t Like Being Touched in Certain Places

First I want to say, loudly and clearly: You’re not alone. Many women find parts of their bodies are just off-limits sexually. For some it may be breasts; for others it may be just the nipple; for some it may be him inserting his fingers inside the vagina. (True story: every Girl Talk I give I have a Q&A part where I answer anonymous questions. I once had a woman ask, “I know guys like sticking their fingers “up there”, but it creeps me out. Why does my husband have to make it seem like he’s digging for gold or something?” At the time the question was funny, but I certainly felt for her).

I can’t tell this particular woman what to do because I don’t know enough of the story, but I’d like to give 4 big picture questions to think about, and then some tips for where to go from here.

When You Hate Your Breasts Being Touched--or something else being touched--and it's hurting your marriage

Check Your Past

Sometimes certain body parts (or certain acts, like oral sex, for instance) are really creepy for us because of past abuse, or past things we’ve seen on TV or in movies when we are at certain ages that scarred us. We may also feel deep shame about certain parts of our bodies. When it comes to breasts, for instance, many women with larger breasts were mortified when they were 11 or 12 when the breasts started to grow, and no one else in their class at school had them. So they became a source of ridicule.

And then, as you got older, perhaps guys would fixate on them–even older men. It made you feel dirty. It made you think men were disgusting. It made you feel repulsed.

Today, when your husband that you love touches you there, it throws you back to that time when you were totally repulsed and creeped out.

This is NOT the case for everyone who hates their breasts being touched or who hates another body part being touched, but it can be quite common.

Basically you’ve developed what’s almost a phobia of it. And you CAN get over phobias. More on that in a minute.

Check the Control Issue

Is it that you hate having your breasts touched or that you hate someone else touching your breasts? I’ve had letters from women with both scenarios. One woman, for instance, couldn’t stand it if someone else touched her breasts, but could handle it if she did. Another woman freaked when her husband tried to insert his fingers into her vagina–but she couldn’t do it either.

Check the Timing

Often things that we REALLY don’t like suddenly become pleasurable right before orgasm. So you may think you don’t like your breasts touched (and you legitimately don’t), but when you’re really aroused suddenly you do. Similarly, many women find their nipples too sensitive to touch, but just before orgasm they actually want them sucked or pinched. But they may not know that about themselves until they check! So you may want to just check that out–is it a timing thing? Or is it truly all the time?

Check Your Sensitivity

There’s a difference between being completely grossed out and simply not being turned on. Is it that being touched makes you want to run for cover and scream (like this woman here), or is that when he touches your breasts, for instance, it does nothing for you and you start to make a shopping list in your head instead? Is it that it repulses you, or is it that it’s just not sexual for you?

What To Do When You Hate Your Breasts Being Touched (or something else being touched)

Now let’s move on to some solutions and ideas which may help. Not all of these may apply to you; choose the ones you think you can handle.

Have “His” Nights and “Her” Nights

Have one Saturday (or whenever) that’s his a month, and one that’s yours, and then every other time you make love it’s for both of you. And on “his” nights he can do what he wants to his heart’s content, but on the other nights he doesn’t. If you can get in the mood of saying, “this is for him and it’s a gift I’m giving him just tonight” that can help.

Even if you’re really repulsed, knowing that it’s only one or two nights a month and not all the time can help you mentally deal with it. Also, when you know it’s “his” nights there’s not the same effort to get in the mood yourself. You can totally throw yourself into it for him. And then the repulsion may not be as great (if that’s what you feel) because it’s not supposed to be turning you on. When it is supposed to be sexual, it actually makes the repulsion worse.

Take Control and Put on a Show

If you can’t stand other people touching you there (wherever it may be), then one possible route may be to do it yourself while he watches. Lather up some cream on your hands and rub it on your breasts slowly for foreplay.

If you need to be in control, then take that control. Even hold his hands while he touches you, so you guide his hands so you’re still in control. And the more you do this, the more the phobia may go away–or the more you may realize that that part of your body can be pleasurable, because when you’re in control you’re able to focus on it at your leisure.  There’s not the pressure of wondering, “what in the world is he going to do next?”

Talk to a Psychologist About a Phobia

If it really is to the level that you can’t stand being touched at all, then I’d suggest talking to a psychologist about it–a psychologist who has treated people for phobias (like phobias of spiders, phobias of dirt, etc.) Don’t just talk to one who wants to analyze you; talk to someone who will take you through exercises to get actually deal with this phobia.

Many people don’t find certain body parts pleasurable that most people find pleasurable–some women find nipples a turn off because they’re too sensitive, or can’t stand being manually stimulated on the clitoris for the same reason. But that’s very different from freaking any time someone touches a breast. So if it’s to the point where it’s really impeding your relationships and your sexuality, don’t settle for that! Deal with it. Christ came to set us free, and something is holding you back from what you were designed for. It doesn’t always have to be like that.

Talk to Your Husband

Finally, talk to your husband really openly about this. In this woman’s case it sounds like her husband is completely disregarding her feelings, and I think that some compromise (like the his nights and her nights) is definitely warranted. Say something like,

“I want our sex life to be great, but this is something which is a real stumbling block for me. When you touch me there, it makes me really panicky. So here’s what I’d like to do: I’d like to look at ways that we can slowly help me to feel more comfortable. I’m going to try to figure out the root and try to deal with the phobia. I’m going to give you certain days when you can certainly touch them, and other days when I’ll do a bit of a show. But I also need you to give me space and love. I’m not cutting you off entirely, but I need space to feel comfortable and figure this out. If you can’t give me that space, then I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with this and it will be a constant struggle in our marriage.

Sex is for both of us, and by touching me there all the time you are robbing me of my sexuality. Like I said, I want to give you some times to enjoy my breasts, but for now, as I seek healing, it has to be on my terms. I’d ask you to do this out of love for me and out of respect for our relationship, for the health of it and for the future of our sexual life together.”

Keep those lines of communication open, and talk to him honestly about what you feel now, what you hope to feel in the future, and your plans to get there. If he knows that you’re trying and that you want this too, then hopefully you can work towards feeling more comfortable together!

31 Days to Great SexIf you’re having trouble communicating about sex and what you want and what makes you feel comfortable, my book 31 Days to Great Sex can help! It’s a 31-day challenge that you do with your husband. And don’t worry: you do not have to have sex for 31 days straight! Many of the challenges just help you to talk about it, sometimes for the first time. It’s easy, it’s low key, and you’ll learn how to talk together, dream together, address libido differences, be more affectionate, figure out how to make it feel good for HER, spice things up, and keep the momentum going. The big benefit that many women have said to me is that “we finally were able to talk!” So this will help women in this situation, too!

Look at 31 Days to Great Sex

Have you ever been through this in your marriage? Is something a huge turn-off for you that most people like? Let me know in the comments how you dealt with it! (and you can be anonymous, of course).

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

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Top 10 Positive Things To Say To Yourself About Sex

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What messages do you tell yourself about sex?

When I was giving my Girl Talk on Sunday night near Fayetteville, North Carolina, one of the points I made is that for women, our sex drives are primarily in our heads. For men, it’s a little bit lower, but for women, it’s almost entirely what we’re thinking.

Sex is almost entirely in our brains! So we need to think the right thoughts.

The messages that we tell ourselves about sex, then, really do determine our libidos!

I was talking to several women after the event, and they were all wondering: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will?

The problem is that the more we focus on these negative things–I have no libido and can’t get in the mood; I can’t have an orgasm; sex is boringthe more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!

So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.

Top 10 Positive Things To Tell Yourself About Sex

1. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!

When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!

Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!

2. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.

When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.

Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”


Want to enjoy great sex in your marriage? Then tell yourself great things about sex!
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3. What is feeling good right now?

When to say this: While you’re making love

Why say this: It may not sound positive, but if you start asking the question–“what is feeling good?”, or, in another version, “what wants to be touched right now?”, then you start to pay attention to your body. Blood will flow to the right places. You’ll notice that things ARE feeling good. And then you’re more likely to feel pleasure. If you let your mind wander, hoping that pleasure will overtake your wanderings, it’s far less likely to happen. Be deliberate!

4. I can reach orgasm one day.

When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful.

Why say this: If it doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.

5. My body was created to feel pleasure.

When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!

Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.

6. I want to laugh together tonight.

When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.

Why say this: Sometimes sex gets too serious, and that’s why we avoid it. But sex can be fun. You can be like two giggling newlyweds beneath the covers! When we stop being so serious about it, it can become a lot more fun. And then it can help you and your husband feel a lot closer, too.

31 Days to Great Sex--a series of fun challenges to do with your husband that make your marriage rock! #marriage

7. I deserve to feel good tonight.

When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.

Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!

8. I love feeling my husband inside me.

When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.

Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!

9. I can be a wildcat!

When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.

Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!

10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.

When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.

Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?


Marriage is where sex goes to THRIVE! Top 10 Positive things to tell yourself about sex
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In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.

Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.

Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!

Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?

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5 Tips for Choosing Attractive Summer Sleepwear for Moms

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Choosing summer sleepwear when you're a mom--and don't want to just wear ratty t-shirtsHow many of you wear ratty t-shirts to bed at night? Maybe it’s time for some better summer sleepwear!

Last week a reader from Hawaii sent me this question, and I promised to answer it before summer slipped away:

I have a conundrum.

I’m a mom of a 13, 10, and we do foster care for ages 0-6 yo but on the other side I have been married for 15 years and realized that my poor husband has been seeing me in ratty shirts and holey shorts for the last 13 years and he deserves better.  My problem is that I have to get up and feed the babies that come to our house and don’t necessarily want to redress while the baby is crying and if my 10yo son gets up that he wouldn’t see too much of me.

The other glitch is that I do have a robe but we live in paradise and have no AC so when it’s 80+ in my house I’m not interested in covering up more.

Is there any hope for me?  am I over thinking this?

Yes, there’s hope for you, and HOPEFULLY I’ve got some answers for you today!

I actually really enjoy clothes, but I know many of my readers HATE shopping. So I’ve put together a pictorial guide of nightgowns I think are modest enough for your sons to catch a glimpse of you, but still fun for your husband!

Here are some main things to consider when you’re looking for summer sleepwear that will actually work for you! You want:

1. Summer Sleepwear Needs to be Comfortable

It can’t be tight or fit weirdly around the bust/waist. The reason we turn to ratty T-shirts is because they are comfortable. They’re not tight, they don’t hug us wrong, and they move when we roll over. But so do lots of other sleepwear possibilities!

2. Summer Sleepwear Needs to Be Cool

You don’t want long sleeves, or anything that’s stifling. You don’t want stuff that sticks to you.But you also want these things:

3. Good Sleepwear Should Have Shape

You are a woman. And it’s okay to be a woman. It’s okay for your children to see that you’re a woman. The problem with ratty T-shirts is that they have absolutely no shape. You could be a man under there. And if you’re heading for bed–where very distinct man/woman things tend to happen–you don’t want to look like you couldn’t care less about being a woman. First, because it’s not nice to your husband. You’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at–so let him look! But second because it sends a message to  you: I’m not a sexual being. I’m not really a woman. And that’s not a good message if you want to get in the mood later!

4. Good Sleepwear Shouldn’t Let Everything Hang Out

At the same time, you can’t be mortified if your teenage son were to see you. I have some sleepwear that my teens don’t see me in, that I really only use for special occasions (like anniversaries, etc.). It’s NOT sleepwear, actually. It’s what you wear BEFORE you go to sleep, and you often don’t wear it for very long. But there is fashion that falls in the middle. It isn’t shapeless, but it doesn’t show a ton of cleavage or reveal anything to your sons you wouldn’t be comfortable with them seeing.

Yes, modesty is important, but you are in your own home. And it’s also important that your children see that you are comfortable in your skin and take pride in your marriage. So let’s try to find some summer sleepwear options that satisfy all four conditions:

1. The T-Shirt Look

Some women just LOVE t-shirts at night, mostly because they’re cotton and they’re comfortable. But LOTS of things are cotton and comfortable. And even if you want to do the t-shirt look, you can do it in a way that is at least a little bit more attractive.

Jockey makes some sleep shirts that are like T-shirts, but they’re longer. And they pull in at the waist and have a V, so they show you have some shape.

Here’s the Regular Summer Sleepshirt and the Plus Sized Summer Sleepshirt:

Jockey Women's Plus-Size Sleep ShirtJockey Women's Sleep Shirt

These are JUST as comfortable as T-shirts, but they’re much more attractive. So you can’t tell me that the only thing that’s comfortable enough to wear is an old T-shirt. It’s just not true!

2. The Classic Cotton Nightgown with Some Detail

Then there’s your classic cotton nightgown, with a very lightweight material but still some detailing around the bust to make it look feminine, like this Eyelet Trim Pleated Summer Nightgown:

Handmade Eyelet Trim Pleated Sleeveless Nightgown

Definitely looks feminine, but still very long so that you don’t have to be embarrassed if your preteen boys see you.

Here’s another one with smock tatting–this one emphasizes the bust more, but I still think it’s fine for your boys to see you.

Handmade Smock Tatting Lace Lady Nightgown

3. The Satin Nightgown with Some Sheen

Here’s a short flutter-sleeved nightgown that isn’t cotton, but is still cool because it doesn’t stick to the body. It’s feminine (V-neck and detailing at the shoulders) and it’s attractive, but it doesn’t let things “hang out”.

Vanity Fair Womens Short Flutter Sleeve Gown

You could even wear this one through most of your pregnancy because there’s room for baby, and it’s an ideal shape for those who are rather big on top.

Here’s another option with lots of detailing around the chest, but still really loose in the sleeves and waist/hips:

Shadowline Women's Beloved 40

This is your typical “classic” nightgown, but it avoids looking like a granny gown because of the great colour and all the details.

4. The V-Neck Nightgown

I think V-necks on nightgowns can be very flattering. Basically anything that shows that you have some shape will make you feel more feminine and will make your husband appreciate the effort! And it can be done in really comfortable styles. I found one line of nightgowns I really like called Precious Curves. They like to make more vintage styles that are attractive but still reasonably priced–most under $40. Here’s one they call “Aphrodite“:

Precious Curves Women's Aphrodite Waltz Length Nightgown

Here’s another option that Precious Curves names “Hera“. This one’s a little more risque–there’s an opening under the bust–but I still think it’s an attractive option.

Precious Curves Women's Hera Waltz Length Nightgown

5. Full Length Nightgowns

There’s something about a full-length nightgown that is just very luxurious–and even sexy!  They really aren’t hot when you’re sleeping in them.

Shadowline has a wonderful line of nightgowns that are comfy and not too expensive (most, again, under $40).

Here’s a modest nightgown with straps that’s really cool:

Shadowline (31275) Beloved Lacy Nylon Braided Strap Long Gown

And here’s one that’s more form-fitting, and much more romantic, but still not mortifying if your sons see:

Shadowline Women's Silhouette 53

Precious Curves nightgowns  (the ones I mentioned above) also come in full-length, but here’s another option for a full-length nightgown:

Precious Curves Women's Cascade Full Length Nightgown

Personally, the nightgown that I wear the most is a full-length satin one (it actually was my mother’s 40 years ago!), and it’s so vintage and pretty. I just feel nice in it. So I think every woman who can afford it at all should invest in a full-length nightgown.

For summer sleepwear, I think you can by with one full-length and one shorter, more casual one. There are also the two-piece choices, of course, but I thought I’d just focus on nightgowns here. My feeling is that it’s perfectly okay for teenage boys to see you in any of these, though some of you may not be so keen on the ones that do outline the bust more. That really is a personal choice.

You can be comfortable and cool while still being attractive.

And that’s important–it shows our husbands that we respect and appreciate them enough to put in an effort, and it sends a signal to our own bodies that “I am a woman, and I like feeling like a woman.” If you want to keep your sex life alive, you need to send that message!

If you like some of these nightgowns, but there’s no money for you to buy something for yourself right now, you can always add them to your Amazon wish list, or–here’s a tip I love–create a Pinterest board called “Gifts I’d Like” and add things to it. Then show your husband how to access the board. Add stuff throughout the year, and then for birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas, your husband can go choose something from that board! It’s easier for him, and it’s fun for you.

So there are my choices for summer sleepwear for those of us who are also moms. What do you think? What do you wear to bed? Let me know in the comments!

UPDATE: I’m getting some requests in the comments for ideas for 2-piece summer sleepwear that isn’t a nightgown. Sounds like a great idea for a follow-up post (and it will be fun because I had fun putting this one together!) So look for it soon.

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On Personality, Pictures, and Primping

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Friday Roundup on To Love, Honor and VacuumIt’s time for our Friday Round-Up, when I share what’s been big on the blog this week, what’s going on in my life, and what I’ve been thinking–beyond just the blog posts.

I’ve been having nightmares about weddings all week (my daughter gets married in 22 days!). They mostly revolve around forgetting to do things. Last night’s was different. It was 2:15 (the wedding is at 2), Rebecca wasn’t in her dress yet, and I could not get her to change. “Weddings always start late,” she said.

Somehow I don’t think that will be a problem on the day. So now I have to turn my brain off at night!

Speaking of nightmares, my youngest is driving to Ottawa for the first time ALONE today. It’s a three hour drive. I’m sure she’ll be fine. But she’s still my baby…

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Here’s what’s been big this week on the blog and with social media:

Fight the Frump!
4ThingsNeedinaHusbandTop 10 Things I Would Say About Sex--if I had no filter! Here's brutal honesty...#1 on the Blog: On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband
#1 on Pinterest: The Four Things You Need in a Husband
#1 on Twitter: The Top 10 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter
#1 on Facebook: On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband (fight the frump!)

 

When Your Husband is SO Different

I have to admit my favourite post this week was Thursday’s on personality differences. I just love all the personality research–introvert/extrovert, thinker/feeler, etc. My mom did that for a living and my oldest daughter likes to figure out what type everyone is within 10 minutes of meeting them. So we live and breathe this stuff!

But even though it was shared a lot on social media, there weren’t a lot of comments. And that’s what I wanted to talk about! Sigh. So if you have any thoughts, I’d love to keep talking about it!

Taking Great Pictures!

I shared with you on Monday about the Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle that was on sale right now (but only until Monday at midnight EST!). I’m a beginner photographer who wants to get a lot better–I need to learn how to take good pics when I speak (or at least teach my assistant to take good pics of me), and that’s hard because the lighting isn’t always ideal. I want to learn to take more candid shots. And I want to learn more about composition and taking landscapes.

I also told you about the awesome (and really detailed) book, with projects, to teach you about taking pics with your iPhone.

iPhone Only Photography

But after looking through the bundle, what I’m most excited about–and what my husband is most excited about–is actually the intermediate version of the Bundle.

The Beginner version covers how to get used to your camera, how to use lighting, how to use shadow, how to use exposure, and all of those things that I’m still learning. But in the Intermediate version there are a pile of books that take you through, in detail, how to use Lightroom, the new photo editing software that’s just as good as Photoshop–but much cheaper. Plus it lets you organize your photos so that you can find them later!

Lightroom Intermediate

The books take you through everything you need to know about editing and developing, from black and white photography to correcting images and more.

The best thing is that the books assume you know NOTHING about Lightroom–never even heard of it. Not that that’s me or anything. Not that when I first saw the books I thought they were talking about installing a physical lightroom in your home where you develop pics. Not that I’m that ignorant or anything.

But the explanations are so good that even people who ARE that ignorant can figure it out. And get seriously excited (I now know how I’m going to organize my photos! It’s so cool!).

This is EXACTLY the resource my husband was looking for with all of his bird pictures. Sometimes they’re great photos–but the light just isn’t quite right. This can help him organize all those photos and edit them. He’s really excited to get started.

And, of course, there are also awesome books about upping your photography skills. I went to sleep last night daydreaming about this Seascapes book. I’m going to a bunch of beaches in August, and I totally want to use some of these techniques!

Seascape 2

Seascape 1

And that’s not all you get with the intermediate version. There are also hundreds of dollars of bonus products, including a free Craftsy photography class of your choice, worth up to $60 (I’m aiming towards either Family Photography: Capturing Candid Moments or Travel Photography). And there’s the Snapheal Pro App for photo editing, too!

Here’s how it works: There are three tiers for the photography bundle. Beginner (for me!); Intermediate (for my husband!); and Professional (for my nephew!), for those who are actually making a living at this. In the professional version there are also business forms and templates for invoices, etc. And lots more technique stuff, too!

When you buy the Intermediate tier, you get everything in the beginner tier, too. And when you buy the business tier, you get everything in the other two tiers as well.

Here’s a pic of all that’s in the Intermediate tier:

It’s a great deal, and seriously–so much fun to work through! It will likely take me until next summer at least to do it justice, but I’m so excited to get my photography skills up to par. We actually do have a nice camera, I just never use it (my hubby and daughter do). And I do want to learn.

The sale is on until Monday at midnight. The beginner tier is $37; the Intermediate is $67; and the Professional is $97. For our family, the Intermediate is likely the best match:

My daughter is really excited about this version to up her Instagram skills! And remember: If you purchase the Business version, it’s okay to give away some of the resources you won’t use, as long as you erase them from your computer and don’t keep a copy. So you can divide up a bundle with people in your family, too!

Click here to learn more about the Beginner Version, Intermediate Version, or Professional Version

or

Have a great weekend, everybody! I’m going to try to work on my nightmares, and I’m going to read through some more photography books!

The post On Personality, Pictures, and Primping appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: How Do I Find Pajamas That are Warm but Still Sexy?

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Reader Question: How do you find pajamas that are sexy AND warm?How do you choose sexy pajamas–that are still warm?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and since it’s the middle of January and absolutely freezing in most parts of Canada and the northern United States (and in Northern Europe and Asia, too!), I thought this may be a good one to tackle.

I received this question from a reader:

Hi Sheila! I saw your Girl Talk with your funny video clip with wearing a flannel nightgown so he knows it’s “No Trespassing”. And I get it. I don’t want to turn my husband off at night. But at the same time, it’s so blasted cold here, and my husband likes turning the heat down overnight and using really warm blankets. But that means I need warm pajamas. Any suggestions on sexy warm pajamas?

I get it!

And here’s that video she’s talking about:

So let’s talk about how to choose pajamas that don’t say “No Trespassing”, but that still keep us from freezing! I’ve written quite a bit on this blog about how frumpy makes us grumpy, and how modest shouldn’t mean dowdy. But warm shouldn’t mean dowdy, either. So let’s figure out how to look great together.

This post will contain affiliate links that go to supporting the costs of this blog (which are considerable!).

How to Choose Warm but Sexy Pajamas

Go with a 2-Piece Set

Nightgowns tend to be colder, and you have to wear them with really thick socks, which can be off-putting in its own way.

In general, then, to stay warm, stick to a 2-piece pajama set.

But how do you make it sexy?

Bright Colors Make for Sexy Pajamas

Go for bright colors, like deep red or deep purple–or even black. Stay away from pastels which are too “girly”.

 

Jockey Women's Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, Black, Large
Jockey Women’s Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, $40.50

See it here.

Think the Right Prints for Sexy Pajamas

Shy away from anything with small cute animals (like kittens), or ice cream cones or flowers, or anything that looks like a 12-year-old girl could wear it.

Instead, go for something like a leopard print, or a plaid.

Del Rossa Women's 100% Cotton Flannel Pajama Set - Long Pjs, XL Purple Plaid (A0509P65XL)
Del Rossa Cotton Flannel Pajama Set, Plaid, $32.99
See it here.
Del Rossa Women's 100% Cotton Flannel Pajama Set - Long Pjs, Medium Leopard Print (A0509P32MD)
Del Rossa Leopard Print Cotton Flannel Pajamas, $32.99
See it here.

Buttons are Sexy!

…because they can be UNbuttoned. So try to stick to 2-piece ensembles that have buttons instead of just being a pullover.

Ekouaer Women's Long Sleeve Sleep Pajama Set with Pocket XS, Navy
Ekouaer Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $33.99
See it here.

Choose Form Fitting Pajamas to Make You Feel Sexy

Victoria Secret, for instance, has these form-fitting flannel long john pajamas. No one can say these are dowdy, but they do keep one warm!

Victoria's Secret Fireside Long Janes Thermal Pajamas Set X-Large White Gray Cheetah
Victoria’s Secret Thermal Long Janes Pajamas, $59.99
See it here.

Here’s another pair of thermal pajamas which are warm, but aren’t baggy:

Betsey Johnson Women's Rib Knit Legging Pajama Set, Raven Black, Medium
Betsey Johnson Knit Legging Pajama Set, $32.66
See it here.

Something He Loves Can Be Sexy!

Is he really into sports? Why not buy some flannel pajamas that celebrate his team (or your team)?

Pittsburgh Penguins Ladies Flannel Plaid Pajama Pants (X-Large)
Pittsburgh Penguins Flannel Pajama Pants, $29.95
See it here.

Warm Pajamas Can Still Be Satin

Satin can be surprisingly warm, and the material says “sexy”. So try mixing it up, and don’t just go for cotton or flannel or fleece.

Del Rossa Women's Classic Satin Pajama Set - Long Pjs, Large Burgundy (A0750BRGLG)
Del Rossa Women’s Satin Pajama Set, $34.99
See it here.

Here’s another tip: buy some satin sheets! If you’ve got a really warm duvet, then satin sheets will still keep you warm enough, and they can add some heat to the bedroom.

Honeymoon 4PC bed sheet set, Red sheet, King set, HM00209001K-RED
Red Satin Sheet Set, $28.00
See it here.

Finally, here’s something I always recommend: Keep a space heater near the bed at night. If you and your hubby don’t want to pay to heat the whole house overnight, you can at least pay for a few minutes of electricity to keep your half of the bed warm! And then it’s easier to want to get OUT of those pajamas–whichever ones you’re wearing–and have some fun.

Let me know in the comments: How do you feel pretty and feminine if you’re a northern girl like me and it’s freezing at night? What do you wear?

Sheila Gregoire Girl TalkAnd remember: If you’d like to see me in person, I’m taking my Girl Talk on tour in the eastern United States this winter and spring, and in the western United States next year. Just contact my assistant Tammy, and she’ll send you all the info you need to see whether it will work for your church. I’d love to meet you!

 

The post Reader Question: How Do I Find Pajamas That are Warm but Still Sexy? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How to Fight the Frump When Choosing Glasses

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As my long-time readers know, I’m a big proponent of fighting the frump!

When we take care of our appearance, we feel more confident. And that comes out in the way we treat others and we treat ourselves.

I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 16. My vision’s not that bad–when I’m at home I don’t wear anything at all–but I need glasses when I’m driving or when I’m in church and I actually want to make out the expressions on people’s faces. I turned to contacts early on, because I felt I looked better with them. But contacts are a pain. And they’re expensive.

And the worst thing is this: Now that I’m in my 40s, if I have my contacts in, I can’t read a thing. I need to put reading glasses on too. Without contacts I’m fine on my computer or when I’m knitting or reading; with contacts I need the glasses. And when I’m out at restaurants I can’t actually see my food.

So I’ve decided that I need to start wearing glasses more, because then I can take them off when I need to see something up close. I started wearing my old faithfuls for about a year, that I’ve had for maybe 7 years, and then the lenses popped out. So I rummaged around in a drawer and I found some silver rimmed glasses that I bought when Katie was a baby (my prescription really hasn’t changed much). And I’ve been wearing those for the last few months. Who cares if they’re 17 years old?

Current Glasses

The only thing is that they’re seriously unfashionable. So I decided it was time to start feeling better about glasses!

Pearle Vision is a one-stop shop–you can call or book an appointment online, and then you just choose your eyewear after that. I booked online, and then they sent me a text to remind me of my appointment and even set it up in my Google calendar and sent me a map of how to get there (though my hometown only has one mall. It wasn’t that hard!). Considering I’ve forgotten doctor’s appointments before, it was actually super nice and automated.

I went in and the staff was very friendly and we joked around quite a bit. They tested my field of vision and my pressures (I’ve got a serious family history of glaucoma, so I have to get my pressures checked every year).

Pressure Exams

And then the optometrist did my eye exam.

Eye Exam

The doctor was super thorough, and I was really impressed. I’ve gone to some other optometrists in my hometown, and they haven’t done as much testing, and they didn’t pick up my slight astigmatism (someone out of town picked it up a while ago, too). He picked up everything. And he talked to me at length about my concerns about my high pressures, and even told me what my daughters should be doing at their ages based on our family history.

Then I headed over to check out glasses. The optician helped me first try some ones that were AWFUL. (I think she liked picking those out for me!) You know–the kind that would look really good if you had a certain personality and you were 70. They just weren’t me!

Granny4

Round glasses are in. But not on MY face.

Granny1

And my mom would love these purple ones–but to me they look like a grandma.

Granny3

So then we turned to ones that would look good. First she showed me a pair in my comfort zone–the total metal frames.

Metal Frames

Not bad, but too much like what I’ve been wearing for 20 years. I always chose them because I wanted them to be invisible.

Then we went to more modern frames. A little dark–but I thought they were actually interesting:

Nice 2

These had a purple hue that I liked, but I was afraid they wouldn’t go with everything:

Nice 3

After texting a pic of these to both of my daughters for their approval, this is what I chose:

Ones I Went With

Totally different from what I’ve always worn!

One thing I learned was to ask the optician for advice. She works with the glasses everyday, so she knows what looks good on people. She made me try on stuff I NEVER would have chosen, and that’s what I ended up going with! It’s kind of like how I just let my hairdresser do whatever she wants. (I think that’s why I’m one of her favourite clients!)

So we did the paperwork, and I came out with new glasses and renewed confidence that my pressures are still in the normal range (even if they’re on the extreme high of normal).

Choosing

The whole thing took about 40 minutes, and that was with some serious chatting with everyone who worked there (they were all super friendly.) And Pearle Vision is great at direct billing your insurance if you have it, too. My exam was so thorough, and he explained the problem of high pressures to me better than any other doctor I’ve ever seen. So I’ll definitely go back! You can find Pearle Vision on Facebook and YouTube, too.

Tell us:  Do you wear eyeglasses? How do you care for your eyes? Comment below for your chance to win a $100 Visa gift card.

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Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#SweepstakesEntry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

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This giveaway is open to residents of Canada (other than Quebec) who are eighteen (18) years of age or older and located in Canada (other than Quebec). Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. The notification email will come directly from BlogHer via the sweeps@blogher email address. You will have 2 business days to respond; otherwise a new winner will be selected.

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The post How to Fight the Frump When Choosing Glasses appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


How Sex Can Help You Feel POWERFUL!

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Can sex make you feel powerful–and boost your confidence and self-esteem all at the same time?

Every Friday I like to run a short, 400-word marriage inspiration piece (often to make up for how long my posts are in the rest of the week!). It’s Friday. We’re brain dead. So let me give you just ONE thought to carry you through the weekend. And today I want to encourage us about how sex can make us feel like superwoman!

Women often feel so insecure--but what if sex is one of the ways God made to help us feel more confident? Let your marriage boost your self-image today!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Sex Can Make You Feel Like Superwoman!

Every woman can name five things she hates about her body without even thinking about it. It’s far harder to name five things you actually like!

Most of us spend countless hours trying to find a healthy eating plan that works–that also includes copious amounts of chocolate.

We’re insecure about our bodies, we’re insecure about whether we measure up to the women at our church, in our families, or even in the PTA.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret, though: sex with my husband can make me feel so powerful. All that self-doubt melts away because I see how much he wants me.

(For those of you in marriages where your husband isn’t interested in sex, I’m so sorry. These posts may be of more help today: When your husband won’t initiate sex, and when your husband doesn’t want to make love.)

Of course most men, who want to be good lovers, try to “take their time” so that we have time to catch up. But every now and then I find it fun to see how fast the whole process can go–to see how passionate my husband feels about me.

When the only man who is allowed to see you naked can be that carried away by you–can you revel in how he sees you? I sometimes wonder if God gave men a powerful sex drive just so that they could be a confidence booster to their wives! When we feel as if we don’t measure up, our husband shows us, “to me, you’re amazing!” We can captivate them, and knowing that, I think, boosts our confidence so that we can be more effective in other areas of our lives, too. We don’t need to be insecure, so we can thrive where God has planted us.

So many of us are so wounded about our worth. Whether it’s childhood trauma or just growing up in this culture which measures our worth in impossible ways, we turn to self-hatred. Let’s face it: if a friend talked to you the way that you talk to yourself, how long would that person be your friend?

Today, can you listen to your husband? If you’re feeling badly about yourself, let him be the confidence booster you need! Flirt a little. Initiate sex. And then YOU be the aggressor. Let him go wild, and then believe him when he says that he finds you irresistible.

God says to us, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7). And maybe God knew that women would have a difficult time believing that, so he gave us our husbands to show us that we do inspire passion. We are worth pursuing. God wants you to know that the very fiber of your being–because it’s true!

Don't let our gross culture make us feel so badly about our bodies that we rob ourselves of the joy of sex!

Whenever I write a post, I know that there is a segment of people that the post doesn’t apply to. It’s hard to reach all marriages! If you’re in a marriage where you feel like your husband doesn’t find you attractive at all, then this post is better for you. And I’m so sorry for the hurt you’re feeling!

Friday Roundup on To Love, Honor and Vacuum

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Dear Exhausted Parents: I know you need sleep. And it's not selfish to admit that. Hee's how to help your babies and toddlers sleep--so you can, too!

Ready to spend some quality time with your hubby?  Whether it’ in the bedroom or sitting out on the sofa, it’s important to take the time to continue building your relationship with your husband.  This week’s tops give some great pointers for making that time count!

 

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Because You’re A Wife First
#5 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Player Games To Play With Your Husband
#3 from Facebook: 50 Conversation Starters For Couples
#4 from Pinterest: Why Your Hubby Wants Your Body

So, my mom had written all of the above before she was out of wi-fi range, but currently she is sitting in an RV in the middle of South Carolina so I, her daughter Rebecca, am hitting publish for her!

The post How Sex Can Help You Feel POWERFUL! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

When Your Husband Ruins Your Confidence

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Does your husband make you feel insecure?

Last week I wrote about how sex can make you feel powerful. But I know that in all too many marriages the opposite is the case. Your husband says things that make you feel ugly, degraded, or objectified.

Every Friday I like to write a Marriage Moment, a quick, 400-word inspirational piece about marriage that touches on just one thing. This week I thought I’d talk to those women for whom last week’s post didn’t apply–those whose husbands tell them that they’re not attractive, or have impossible standards for beauty.

It’s a sad one. here goes:

What do you do if your husband tells you he doesn't find you attractive? If your husband makes you insecure, maybe the problem isn't with you! Thoughts on how to handle this in marriage.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Husband Makes You Lose Your Confidence

When I give my Girl Talk, my event for churches where I talk about sex and marriage, I always include an anonymous Q&A session. And invariably one of the questions I get goes something like this:

I try to keep myself fit, and I’ve only gained 10 pounds since the wedding and having kids. But my husband is always telling me I’m fat, or mentioning gym memberships or pressuring me to tone up. And he’s always asking me to do things I’m just not comfortable doing, especially when he doesn’t even think I’m attractive.

I get email upon email like that, too–more today than I did five years ago.

It’s getting worse, and I’m fed up.

Our bodies were not designed to look the same at 36 as they did at 16. And there is no good reason that a couple cannot enjoy great sex even after stretch marks and a gravity shift!

When I hear about men expecting their wives to keep a body shape that just doesn’t happen post-baby, I get a huge red flag. That man has bought into our pornified culture which says that only one type of woman is attractive. And he has made sex into something only physical, since he wants to do things that make her feel uncomfortable.

Ladies, the problem is not with you. You are not wrong to want to be his sole object of attraction. You are not wrong for feeling “icky” about certain sexual acts.

You want real intimacy; he wants pornography in the flesh. And it needs to stop!


If you want real intimacy, but your husband seems to want porn in the flesh, this is for you!
Click To Tweet


Don’t let his words make you feel inferior; listen to God’s design for sex instead. Believe what God said about intimacy being physical, spiritual, and emotional all at the same time–when we make it only physical, we rob ourselves of something profound.

Next time he insults your body, reply,

Honey, I love you, but I believe that you have bought into lies that our culture has told us about sex, and it’s making us miss out on what God has for us. Can we talk about how we can have an awesome, intimate sex life together, instead of defining ourselves by our culture’s standards?

Our culture has become disgusting. Don’t let our gross culture rob you of confidence of joy in your marriage. Stand up for truth, even if that means standing up to your husband.

Next Steps if This is a Big Problem in Your Marriage:

  1. 31 Days to Great SexAsk your husband if you can go through 31 Days to Great Sex together. It helps you talk about your desires for sex; it helps you work through your preconceived notions about sex that may be wrong; it helps you communicate about hurts that you’ve had. And it also is super fun–it helps you explore your bodies, spice things up, and make things feel great while also talking about safe and appropriate boundaries. It’s a great way to start the conversation without being confrontational or angry (and it’s fun, too!). Get it here.
  2. Explore whether pornography is a factor in your marriage. Suggest getting Covenant Eyes installed on your computers and devices.
  3. Be proactive about identifying a mentor couple for both of you and an accountability partner for your husband. Sometimes we need someone else to come alongside us and say, “you know, you may think what you’re feeling is natural and normal, but it’s really wrong.”

 

Friday Roundup on To Love, Honor and Vacuum

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We are hitting the #4’s this week (except for the top new post from this week of course!), because the other top posts were all mentioned last week, and I wanted to give you something new! With spring right around the corner (maybe?) it’s just the right time to start airing thing out.  From the clutter in the house to the clutter in your marriage, we are cleaning up and starting fresh!

A woman asks, "I'm living a lie in my marriage. I'm not in love with him, but I've finally found my chance at happiness with someone else. Will I lose my salvation if I get divorced?" I answer. And I ask what we really mean by "living a lie", because maybe we've got it backwards!#1 NEW Post on the Blog: If I Divorce My Husband Will I Lose My Salvation?
#4 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#4 from Facebook: Why Sex Isn’t Just For Him
#4 from Pinterest: The 43-Folder System: Organizing Your Paper Clutter

I Guess I Got a Little Testy This Week, Eh?

I feel like I spent this week rebuking people. I don’t normally get upset at reader questions, but this week’s, by the woman wanting to justify an affair, really got my back up, and I let her have it.

And then on Wednesday I tried to address something else that I see over and over again in reader questions: people feeling helpless and like everything is everyone else’s fault and nothing is their own fault. I used two questions that didn’t have as much to do with “fault” as they did with choice, but this is a theme I see so often in questions. Here’s the issue: if you did absolutely nothing wrong and there’s no way that you possibly could have done things differently, then there’s also no way you can do things differently now. We really need to start recognizing that we are not helpless babes being carried along in life; we are making choices, and we’ve made choices in the past, and we will continue to make choices. That’s actually freeing!

I do have a lot of sympathy for people in tough marriages, and I’ve written so many posts for them recently. But I also think that it’s pretty impossible to fix those marriages unless we first recognize that there are things that are within our power to make our lives better, and then we actually follow through! Blaming everyone else and seeing all the bad in our lives never helps anybody.

Wanna Hear My Husband and I Talk About Marriage?

My “patrons” (the people who support me on a monthly basis for as little as $5 a month) heard a podcast of my husband and I reminiscing about what we did right (and what we did wrong) preparing for the empty nest! And I put Keith on the spot for a few questions. They also got an email today with all the things I’ve been reading and more thoughts on some of my posts (an “inside Sheila’s brain” thing). And later this month, when the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle comes out, some of my patrons will get one for free (depending on their level of support). If you want to see more behind the scenes of this blog, and just get to know me better and ask me questions, you can become a patron, too!

We’re on Our Way Home!

Yesterday in South Carolina, after 2 weeks in the south and three trips in the RV (where we left the RV in storage and flew home) we are finally driving it home.

I hit the “Go Home” button on our GPS!

Going Home

We’ll be back in the U.S. with our RV in May for a quick tour in Pennsylvania (there’s still one more opening if you’re a church in Pennsylvania/Ohio that would like to host a Girl Talk! And they don’t take long to organize, so there’s still time! Just email Tammy for more info).

And then we’ll be back next year, doing it all over again, in September, starting in Michigan/Iowa/Kansas/Oklahoma. Again, if you want to be a part of it, just email Tammy!

An Instagram Update

Here’s one of our more dramatic moments this week:

Here’s What Katie’s Been Up To While I’ve Been Gone

And that’s it for now, everybody! Have a great week!

The post When Your Husband Ruins Your Confidence appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How I Use a Capsule Wardrobe to Fight the Frump!

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My daughter Rebecca recently started preaching to me about the benefits of a capsule wardrobe.

Basically, you try to get your wardrobe down to only a certain number of pieces–some say 25, some say 40–and then you work with just those. You buy high quality pieces, with lots of neutral basics. You accessorize with pretty scarves and jewelry and a few colourful items. And then you’re much happier! It’s easier to choose what to wear. It takes up less space. It’s easier to pack.

How a capsule wardrobe can help you create outfits--and fight the frump!

And you don’t have to spend all your time clothes shopping. You purchase high quality pieces that last forever.

This spring I went on a huge purge and got rid of about half my clothes. But I’m still nowhere near the 40 pieces. I’m getting there, but I do have a lot of dresses I love and jackets I use when I speak.

But here’s what I have done. I’ve decided that for each 2 month period I’m going to choose 25 pieces (shoes and jewelry not included!) to wear. Those will include at least 5 speaking outfits. Every two months I’ll try to switch out most clothes so that I do wear most of my items. And then, after a year, I’ll look at what I haven’t worn and I’ll get rid of those items, because I obviously don’t like them enough to have them make the cut.

So most of my clothes are on my top rack, but I put the capsule wardrobe on the bottom rack, and for two months only wear it. Here are all my other clothes; you can see the capsule one below.

Capsule Wardrobe Rest

Here’s why I’m liking this:

  1. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me make up outfits
  2. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me accessorize
  3. Using a capsule wardrobe helps me use items I love but I’ve never quite figured out how to wear.

Let’s look at each of these individually!

Using a Capsule Wardrobe Helps You Make up Outfits

That’s really the point of a capsule wardrobe, actually. You choose items that coordinate, and then it’s easier to make up an “outfit”. Often we’re stuck with a lot of clothes that will look good with one skirt or one pair of pants but nothing else. A capsule wardrobe encourages you to buy a lot of neutral items and then add patterns to it.

So you choose 2 sweaters, 1 blazer, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of pants, 2 capris, 2 skirts, 1 dress, and then the rest can be tops. (You may fiddle with the numbers a bit, but that’s roughly it). And if you have enough neutrals in the sweaters and the pants, then everything will go with everything else.

I’m still working on collecting my neutrals–as you can tell, I have too many patterns. But the nice thing is that if I think about a colour palette beforehand, and then choose clothes in that colour palette, then more of them will coordinate together. In this case, I chose a yellow sweater that works with pretty much all of the tops, and a neutral jacket that works with both. Unfortunately I still need to work on getting more plain skirts, but at least these ones have at least two tops that work with each. And, of course, all the tops work with my plain jeans and capris.

Capsule Wardrobe

I also have a pair of shorts, two pairs of capris, and a pair of jeans. Oh, and one dress!

Capsule Wardrobe 3

I just leave the pants/shorts on an open shelf so I can see them easily. The other pants I put away in drawers and don’t bother with until it’s time to create my next capsule.

Since I have these all picked out, packing for my trip to British Columbia last week was easy. I just picked up everything by the hanger, lay them all in the suitcase, and I was done. Easy peasy! Took three outfits to Little Rock this week, too, when I was recording for FamilyLife Today Radio.

Capsule Wardrobes Help You Accessorize

I’m a firm believer in fighting the frump. I want to try to look “put together” instead of just throwing on clothes everyday haphazardly. But one thing that I’ve found is that looking “put together” is often more about accessories than it is just an outfit. By choosing my tops ahead of time I can then also make it a point to choose jewelry that actually goes with the items, instead of just always choosing the same necklace everyday (if I choose one at all).

It helps me to wear more of my jewelry, too! So I just take the necklaces that I want to wear (and the bracelets, if applicable) and hang them right over the hangers, like they do in a clothing store when they try to sell you outfits.

Capsule Wardrobe 2

I figure out the shoes and the purses, too, and just lay the shoes I’ll actually need below the clothes, and the purses on hangers beside everything else.

Capsule Wardrobe Accessories

Now when I go to get dressed in the morning, there’s really not a lot of thought that goes into it! I’ve already planned outfits, I’ve got shoes that will coordinate, necklaces that tie everything together, and I know what purses I want to wear.

It made speaking really easy, too–no more thinking about what to wear.

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A Capsule Wardrobe Helps Me Use Items I Love But Don’t Know What to Do With

I love knitting, and I knit pretty much all the time. But I’m not the best at wearing the things I knit necessarily. It’s much easier in the winter, when I’ve got big sweaters, but in the summer I often forget about my knitted items.

With a capsule wardrobe I can be intentional: Okay, here’s a knit top I want to wear. What can I wear it with to turn it into an outfit?

I found one green summer cotton top I knit last year, for instance. I found a necklace that went well with it, and now it looks great with both skirts and those funky green shoes!

Knit Top in Capsule Wardrobe

(I couldn’t hang this on the hangers with my other tops because it’s knit and it will stretch, so I had to show it to you separately!)

I also have a large collection of scarves that I never know quite what to do with. I like them, but I always forget to wear them. So in my first capsule wardrobe, which I made up in the winter, I found a scarf that coordinated and tried to use it in interesting ways. I thought this worked well with my jacket:

Using a scarf with a capsule wardrobe

So now I try to put a scarf in each wardrobe, too!

I just find that it takes the guess work out of getting dressed, and it makes sure that I looked “turned out”. I’ve got a coordinated outfit. I’ve got jewelry. I’ve got accessories. And it works. Otherwise I find that I’ll throw on some capris and a top but I won’t really create an outfit.

I’m also realizing that I don’t actually need that many clothes. I may even get rid of a few more after the summer is over! I wouldn’t mind getting down to 40 pieces, actually (well, not including dresses. I like my dresses). But I’m also going to buy sweaters that are more versatile and that go with more outfits to coordinate together. And with solids I can do more with scarves, so in the end you don’t need to spend as much on clothes to still use color and pattern.

So that’s how I’m dressing myself these days. What about you? Have you ever tried a capsule wardrobe? How did it work out? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

The post How I Use a Capsule Wardrobe to Fight the Frump! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Do We Talk About Weight in a Healthy Way?

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Reader Question: Can we talk about weight in a healthy way?Is it possible to have a conversation about weight in a healthy way?

Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, but today I’ve got one of my own that I wanted to tackle: how can we frame body image issues properly? I really have no idea.

So I’m just going to give maybe a stream of consciousness post of all the things I think about, and then I’m hoping you can all chime in with your opinions! I think this is an important topic, but it’s just so emotionally laden that we don’t cover it well. And I’m not sure what to do with it, so I tend to shy away.

With quaking hands as I’m typing this (because I really don’t want to hurt anyone), let’s take a stab at it.

I’m going to list a whole bunch of truths, and then I’ll ask you all to help me come up with some sort of an approach that encompasses them all. If that’s possible.

Certainly our society puts too much emphasis on the perfect body. But in our effort to stop women from feeling shame, do we steer away from too many other important truths? An attempt at an honest conversation about weight and body image.

Truth #1: Our Society’s View of Body Image is a Prison of Expectations

Here’s how I explain it in my Girl Talk (the talk I give about sex and marriage in churches): Our society has taken sex outside of the marriage relationship, and when you do that, all you have left is the body. It’s not about intimacy or commitment or love; it’s only about pleasure. When you do that, the body takes on far more significance than it ever should have, and that’s why, in our society today, sexy is all that matters.

Girl Talk Sexy

Our worth is so much in our bodies as women, and our bodies don’t have to just be “beautiful”, they have to be a certain size that really isn’t found in nature very often: large breasts, narrow waist, curvy hips, with no trace of fat or cellulite. Just doesn’t happen.

Especially after you have babies and things are just flabby, even if you’re not carrying extra weight.

And this leads so many women to feeling helpless, and like we’ll never be good enough. It can lead to anorexia. It can lead to self-loathing. It can lead to ridiculous diet trends that are distinctly unhealthy. And it can also lead to women just giving up. They’ll never be good enough, so why try?

Thought #2: The Porn Industry Has Made Men Have Unrealistic Expectations

Combine our general societal push to have a perfect body with the porn industry, and you have the perfect storm of pressure to look a certain way.

As more and more men view porn, more men start to expect a certain body shape. I get so many letters talong the lines of “I’m 125 pounds and keep myself in great shape, but my husband says he isn’t attracted to me anymore because I have a tiny bit of a tummy. And he wants me to get breast implants.” Isn’t that awful?

A lot of women have husbands who tell them they need to lose weight or look a certain way, and it’s downright, well, creepy.

Thought #3: We Should Be Able to Enjoy our Bodies Sexually Without Being a Certain Weight

Nowhere in the Bible is sexual satisfaction combined with a perfect body. Certainly in Song of Solomon the beauty of both the bride and groom are extolled, but if anything, the Bible teaches that we should love our spouses regardless of what happens to their bodies.

Proverbs 5:19 says:

A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

And the context is rejoicing in the wife that you have been married to for decades–rejoice in the “wife of your youth”. So God is telling us that we should enjoy ourselves even when our bodies are no longer perfect or no longer young.

Thought #4: Sex is More than Physical

Sex is about so much more than just physical pleasure; it’s a deeply intimate and spiritual experience, too. And, indeed, as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, when two people feel spiritually connected, physical pleasure often is enhanced. For women, especially, sexual response seems linked to feeling intimate. So it’s not only about feeling sexy; it’s about feeling close. When we emphasize the physical at the expense of the other, we often lose out on the best aphrodisiac that God’s given us.

Okay, so I believe all those four things with all my heart, and I’ve written posts about each of them at length. But, but, but…there’s another side to it, isn’t there? 

Thought #5: We Are Attracted to the Physical

As much as the physical shouldn’t mean everything, it does mean something, doesn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful, after all, and the Bible does talk about women in terms of their beauty (and men, too, by the way!).

And if that’s true, then isn’t part of being a good wife also taking care of your body?

The problem with this line of thinking, of course, is what does that actually mean? Does a good wife have to be a size 6? Or is anything okay except a size 14? Except plus sizes? Of course not. But, but, but…shouldn’t there be something?

I’ve always felt like most guys would be happier with a larger woman who was enthusiastic about sex and willing to initiate than with a smaller woman who kept sex off limits, because “sexy” is still a lot to do with attitude more than anything else, but I do think that keeping ourselves in as good shape as is reasonably possible with our lifestyle is a gift that we can give our husbands.


Should body size matter in marriage? Do we owe it to our spouses to keep weight off?
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Thought #6: People Who Respect Themselves Tend to Look the Part

Whenever I talk about fighting the frump this is really what I mean. If you respect yourself, then you will tend to dress that way. You will take care in your appearance. Someone who puts on a shirt that flatters and some jewelry and a bit of makeup (or at least brushes their hair) will look like someone who respects themselves far more than someone who puts on yoga pants and an ugly oversized T-shirt. And if you look like you took some care in your appearance, then other people will take you more seriously. If you look like you don’t care, then why should they?

People who don’t take care of their appearance do tend to look like they’re keeping others at arm’s length. The whole “I don’t care what other people think” thing sounds more like an excuse. It’s an “I don’t like my body and I’m insecure and so I’ll just say that it’s other people’s fault” attitude. That’s likely too harsh, and I explain it far better here about fighting the frump. But I do think we can look put together whatever size we are.

Thought #7: Our Bodies Are the Vehicle Through Which We Reach the World

We’re on this earth for a limited time. And the vehicle through which we impact our families, reach the world, and tangibly carry out the Great Commission is through our bodies. We are physical beings.

Thus, the way we treat our physical bodies will have a direct correlation with our ability to be effective on this earth. Obese people tend to die earlier. But they also have a string of health problems throughout their lives which will eat up time and resources and energy that could have been spent elsewhere.

Thought #8: We Owe it to our Kids to Give Them Good Habits

The thing that most correlates with a child being obese is parents being obese. And given the social ramifications and the health ramifications of being obese, we owe it to our kids to instil good habits in them.

I’m just going to be frank here, and mention a very not-so-pretty truth: If you look at the single thirty-somethings in churches, they tend to be a “larger” group than the married ones. I know that’s mean to say, but in my experience I would say that’s true. That doesn’t mean that no heavier people will marry, or that no “lighter” people will be single. It’s only that heavier people are over-represented in the single ranks of young adults. And I would venture to guess that most of them want to be married (at least the ones that I have talked to).

My heart just breaks for these people. I’m one of those annoying matchmaker type people who doesn’t want anyone to be single who doesn’t want to be single. And I’m forever in my head trying to make matches. I so want to see lots and lots of weddings! And when I see College & Careers groups with singles I just get sad, often more than I should (since many of these adults are perfectly at peace with it. It’s my problem, not theirs).

But nonetheless, I do think that raising kids to have healthy eating habits gives them such a leg up in all kinds of ways, and something that important to their future is not something which should be overlooked just because “we should love everyone whatever their size.”

Thought #9: Gluttony is the Forgotten Sin

There’s a problem when Christians are bigger than non-Christians, and in many places we simply are. Gluttony is a sin in the Bible. I think it was easier to see gluttony as a sin when food was scarce, and today it’s abundant. Us eating a lot really doesn’t take food away from anyone else in a tangible way (though we could, of course, be donating that money).

Yet many people use food as an escape. When we’re sad, we turn to the ice cream in the freezer rather than turning to prayer. We build literal distance between us and others to keep them at arm’s length and to stop expectations on ourselves. That’s wrong.

But how do you quantify that? Is it a sin to order that delicious warmed chocolate chip cookie with ice cream and caramel and hot fudge sauce for dessert at restaurants (I can never resist). Or is it only a sin if you have dessert all the time? Is it a sin if you enjoy your food (absolutely not)? Is it a sin if you do split a Haagen-Dasz container with a teen who is sad? When does it cross into sin territory? I have no idea.

So there you have it–nine thoughts about weight that seem to contradict each other. And because it’s such an emotionally laden topic, I often steer away from it. I’ve written a lot about the first four thoughts–those that focus on how we shouldn’t give in to our society’s pressures to conform to a certain body size. I’ve written a ton on respecting yourself. But I’ve never really written on the other thoughts, on how important it is to be healthy and try to keep the weight down, because I don’t want to make women feel badly.


How do we talk about weight and body image in a healthy way? An attempt to start:
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But is there a happy medium? How can you reconcile all nine thoughts? I don’t know, and it really isn’t my intention to make anyone who is wrestling with this feel worse than they already do. I hope I haven’t done that. But how do we talk about weight properly without giving in to society’s ridiculous expectations about body image? I’d love your thoughts in the comments today!

 

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Can You See Your Body as Your Friend?

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Can you truly believe that your body is your friend?

On Monday I wrote a long post asking you all to help me synthesize something–how do we talk about body image, weight, beauty, and health in a good way? On the one hand we know that our culture puts way too much emphasis on a particular body shape, and God looks to the heart. But on the other hand, doesn’t appearance matter at least a little? And what about health?

I found the comments there really interesting, and after mulling them over I think I’ve found my synthesis! So since every Friday I write a quick 400-word “Marriage Moment”, I thought today I’d share what I learned.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Treating Your Body Like Your Friend

Treating Your Body as Your Friend: Let's stop thinking of our bodies as enemies to conquer and instead as friends to enjoy and treat well!

How many of you look in the mirror and feel like weeping? You hate shopping for jeans because nothing ever fits right. You do your best not to think about anything below the neck throughout the day. When you sit down on the toilet (let’s face it, we all do this), all you see is the rolls of fat.

You’re angry at all the jiggling. You wish you could remove all the mirrors from the bathroom.

When making love, it’s hard to enjoy it when you know your body looks nothing like the pictures of the old you in the wedding photos.

You’ve tried starving yourself (that didn’t last long). You took Lent as an excuse to quit chocolate, but you ended up raiding Haagen Dazs vanilla instead.

If that’s you, I’d say you’re the typical woman. You beat yourself up over your body.

But isn’t that the mindset of someone who sees her body as her enemy? If your body is your enemy, then your goal is to conquer it. You’ll always be at war–with yourself. That sets you up for a lifetime of hatred, failure, and even ingratitude. And hatred of self rarely led to a successful weight loss strategy.

What if there were another way? What if God wants us to see our bodies as precious and wonderful–as our friends?

If we were to treat our body as our friend, what would we do?

First, we wouldn’t hide from it. We’d be thankful for what it could give us without expecting more than it can give. We wouldn’t berate and lecture our friend; we’d encourage and cheer it on! We’d want the best for it, which means that we would feed it well, give it what it really needs, and exercise it.

We’d want others to enjoy our friend, too, so we would show off our friend in the best possible light. We would dress it well, not drown it in oversized, baggy clothes. We would be proud to be seen with our friend.

And we’d enjoy living life with our friend! We’d kick the soccer ball around with our kids. We’d stretch and lift weights and be amazed at how awesome our friend is. We’d cheer her on to get even better! And we wouldn’t condemn our friend to have no sex life until our friend shaped up; we would want our friend to live life to the fullest, right now, where she was.

Can you do that? Can you see your body as your friend rather than your enemy? Your body is an intrinsic part of you, and I truly believe that the more you can be grateful for and embrace your body in a healthy way, the more you can start living life to the fullest. And that, I think, is what God wants from us.


Our bodies shouldn't be enemies to conquer but instead friends to enjoy and treat well!
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Friday Roundup on To Love, Honor and Vacuum


What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We almost had all #1’s this week…but then one of the Tops is from this week and the other is a repeat of one already on this week’s list!  No matter what though, these Top Posts are worth the read as we look at some great questions and tips on sex in marriage.

How a simple idea can transform a marriage--it's just 2 + 2!#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A 2+2 Way To Make Sex In Marriage Better
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband 
#2 from Facebook: Is It Okay To Schedule Sex?
#3 from Pinterest: 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Husband (I’ve got to remind myself to do some of these!)

When the Cough Just Won’t Go Away…

So I’ve had one of those weeks where I’m sort of sick but sort of not. I have this cough and sore throat that won’t go away. I had to cancel a few radio interviews because I was croaking. And I’m sleeping in a different room from my husband because I’m coughing all night! But I honestly don’t feel that ill. It’s a little annoying. And it meant I didn’t get done some of the things I wanted to get done this week. Oh, well.

I’m Rather Nostalgic Today

Today is my grandfather’s birthday. Now, he’s not with us anymore (he would have been 107; he passed away 12 years ago); but I always think of him on June 10.

I wrote a post a few years ago about the spiritual heritage from him that I only found out about after he passed away. I updated the pictures yesterday, so take a look!

Anyway, the short form of the story is this: I always knew that my mom came from a long line of Christians and preachers. But my dad wasn’t overly religious and neither was my grandfather when I was a child (he came back to God when he was older), so I always assumed that his side of my genealogy was rather secular.

Then, on what would have been his hundredth birthday, I took a look at the family Bible.

I still think of my great-great-grandmother who must have prayed so hard in heaven right now, looking down on us. And I wonder what she thinks! Sometimes faith skips a generation, but the heritage is still there.

My spiritual heritage

And that spiritual heritage keeps going, down the generations…

So happy birthday, Poppa!

Are You Signed Up for My Marriage Newsletter?

24,000 people are. And June’s newsletter started going out yesterday and will finish on Monday (it’s going out in batches to test something this weekend!).

It’s a great way to make sure you don’t miss any of the best posts on the blog, but it also highlights some older posts you may not have seen.

Each month I show the four best marriage posts, and the three best reader questions, and then I highlight 4-6 older posts on a certain theme. This month I chose how to make sex feel great!

Check out the newsletter here (and you can subscribe at the same place!)

Have a wonderful weekend!

And let’s talk in the comments: What kind of spiritual heritage do you have/not have? And what would it look like to treat your body as your friend?

 

The post Can You See Your Body as Your Friend? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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