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Fight the Frump: Let’s Get Dressed!

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Do you feel frumpy?

Look, no one has to live up to society’s standard of beauty. No one needs to be a size 4. But what I’m talking about has nothing to do with your figure and everything to do with the amount of effort we decide to put into our appearance.

Why should it matter? Because deciding to look put together is also saying, “I take myself seriously. I respect myself.”

And it’s saying one other thing, too. One reader recently left this comment:

One time my hubby came home from work and I was still in my pjs. He asked if I or the kids were sick, and when I said no he asked why I wasn’t dressed. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, so why shower and get dressed? He looked at me sadly and said,”am I not worth looking nice?”. From then on I have always tried to look good for my sweetie, even if I’m not going anywhere.

It’s showing your husband respect when you look put together! Why do we try to look our best for strangers, rather than the man who is supposed to enjoy looking at us?

So welcome to Fight the Frump Week!

Fight the Frump Week! A week's worth of challenges to help you NOT feel frumpy--and see how fast and easy it can be!

This is what we’re going to be talking about all week! We’re going to be looking at how to fight the frump and feel better about ourselves. We’re going to feel more put together. More organized. More ready to take on the one world! And, especially, more confident with our husbands!

I did this four years ago on the blog, too, and I’ve decided that it’s time to do it again, because it’s super important! How we present ourselves is an extension of how we see ourselves. And when we don’t see ourselves as worth much, that’s going to affect everything–our marriage, our parenting, even our spiritual life.

Join us for Fight the Frump Week! It doesn't have to take tons of time or money to look great!Click To Tweet

I think a lot of frump is based in our own personal shame.

Many of you know about my 31 Days to Great Sex book, but that started out as a blog series here, the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge. When I did those challenges, I had immediate feedback from readers on how they were doing. And the challenge that women  had the hardest time with was the day I asked women to name five things they liked about their bodies. People gave up in frustration. When I rewrote the challenge for couples as 31 Days to Great Sex, I asked husbands to help their wives with this, because many of us women just can’t do it. All too many of us truly hate our bodies.

And so you hide them in oversized clothes, or ugly clothes, or all black and neutral clothes. You want to forget about your body. You want to ignore it. That’s hardly the recipe for a good sex life or a good marriage! Yours is the only body your husband is allowed to look at. If you’re confident and have fun with your body, so will he.

And God meant for you to enjoy your body. Do you really want to settle for less than God wants for you?

This week, ladies, we’re going to fight back! We’re going to fight the frump, and the attitudes that make us dress frumpy in the first place.

But before I tell you how, let’s go over some of our reasons for looking frumpy. Usually they go something like this:

No one’s going to see me but the kids anyway. And someone’s probably going to spit up on me! Sure I have to go to the grocery store, but so what? And I just want to be comfortable. I have nothing that fits. I don’t have any money for new clothes.

Stop making excuses! Here’s the truth. When we choose (and it is a choice) to look frumpy, it’s usually because we’re thinking one of these things:

  • I don’t have time to look put together. I’m running ragged all day!
  • I want to be comfortable!
  • I’m scared to go shopping because I don’t want to confront what my body actually looks like.
  • I don’t want to spend money on me.
  • I just don’t know how to dress my body type.

So let’s deal with these one one by one.

1. I don’t have time to fight the frump

To fight this one, let me show you something.

I asked my daughter Katie to help take a video last night of me putting on frumpy clothes vs. non-frumpy clothes. And you know what? It takes basically the same amount of time.

It takes no more time to get dressed in clothes that flatter you than it does to get dressed in clothes that don’t flatter you!

And it takes very, very little time to do your hair and makeup, too, if you have a good hairstyle and makeup ready. (We’ll be looking at that tomorrow!)

But look at this: You can wear sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt.

Sheila Looking Frumpy

Total Time to Get Dressed: 30 Seconds

But it takes no more time, really, to get dressed in something super comfortable that fits! (And I deliberately chose something grey with no colour so that all of you who hate wearing colour have no excuses!).

Sheila Not Looking Frumpy!

Total Time to Get Dressed: 45 seconds

I didn’t even do my hair and makeup. But I still look a whole lot better.

It takes no more time to put on clothes that fit and flatter than clothes that feel frumpy!Click To Tweet

2. I want to be comfortable!

I get it. There are clothes I wear to church or out speaking that I take off immediately when i come home, because I can’t move as easily in them. But guess what? There are plenty of clothing options that you CAN move in that still look great (like the dark grey top in the video!).

And here’s another thing: Many people don’t want to wear their “good”, that they actually like, around the house in case they get splatter on them or the baby spits up. So you wear ugly T-shirts instead that you figure are disposable. But laundry stain remover can get out a lot of bad stuff. And “good” clothes don’t have to be expensive. Sometimes we think of “good” as anything we look good in, so then we’re deliberately not wearing the stuff that we like so that we don’t wreck it. But then we never, ever wear it. That’s hardly a recipe for happiness!

3. I’m embarrassed about my body

Ladies, society wants us to feel ugly. If we feel ugly, we’ll be dissatisfied. We’ll need to fill that void with something. So we’ll buy more food to kill the pain, or we’ll buy vacations, or more weight loss programs, or more magazines to motivate us. If we all felt great in our bodies, if we all owned just a few outfits that made us feel fabulous, why on earth would we need to keep spending money?

Society has a vested interest in you feeling ugly.

Do you want to give our culture that kind of power?

Don't give our degrading culture the power to make you feel badly about your body!Click To Tweet

You were bought at a price. God thinks of you as His beautiful bride. God looks at your inner beauty. Who cares what size you are?

 4. I don’t want to spend money on me

I understand the money issue. You want to spend the money on your family! But do you think it helps your children or your husband to feel as if their mom takes no pride in herself? And I have a friend who is struggling on very little money. She has three kids and she pays for them to have new clothes every year. They always look great.

But she does, too. She’s a very attractive woman, though she’s hardly a size 6! But she knows how to flatter her body. She owns a grand total of 3 pairs of pants (she only has one pair of dress pants). All of her clothes fit in a really small closet. All of her kids have more clothes than she does. But she still looks good, because the clothes she does have fit her and flatter her, and she just pulls on a belt and some jewelry and some nice makeup and she looks all set to go.

I am not saying that you need a closetful of clothes–not at all. I believe that most of us would do far better having five outfits that make us feel amazing than 25 that we bought off of the clearance rack that make us feel lousy. And it is better to spend $35 on two tops that will last and look great than buy 10 $6 tops from a bargain outlet that won’t withstand more than one season of washing in the washing machine.

Sometimes just buying value is so important.

5. I don’t know how to look good. I don’t think it’s possible with my body type.

Most of you reading this managed to give birth. You taught those kids how to use the potty. You fed them and kept them alive when they couldn’t even sit up. You learned everything there was to know about babies.

And you’re telling me that you can’t take 5 minutes and really analyze what body shape you are and what types of clothes flatter that body shape? I know it can take longer than 5 minutes to find a pair of pants that fit, but that’s no reason to give up! When you find some that do fit, you’ve crossed a milestone, and you’ll feel so much more confident about it. So what if it takes trying on 20? It’s not an indictment about your size; it’s just that we’re all made a little differently, that’s all.

And shopping is easier than ever before! I shop for my clothes online now. Online retailers have such elaborate measurements written on their website that all you need is a measuring tape and you’ll know exactly what size to order. And if it doesn’t look good you can often mail it right back–for free! So you don’t even have to drag little ones to the mall. This can be a lot less intimidating than trying on dresses and pants there.

No matter your body type, every woman can look beautiful, and every woman can look put together. Every woman can take pride in herself. When you do this, your marriage improves overnight, because you become more confident in your body, and that reaps huge dividends.

No matter your body type, every woman can feel put together in clothes that flatter! #fightthefrumpClick To Tweet

So will you join me and fight the frump with me?

Here’s what’s coming this week:

Tuesday: Choosing a Quick Hairstyle that Flatters You Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup Thursday: A Look at the 6 Body Types and What Clothes Flatter Each Type Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

  1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
  2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!


Fight the Frump: A Good Haircut Makes a Huge Difference!

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We’re in the early part of our Fight the Frump week! And for this edition, I want to talk about hair.

But first, let’s go back to some basic principles. Fighting the frump is NOT about vanity and not about living up to some magazine cover. Fighting the frump is about changing our attitude and our outlook on life so that we are more productive, approachable, and respected.

How? Because the way that we dress affects our inner reality. If you’re sloppy on the outside, you’re less likely to feel organized and motivated. If you look like you don’t care for your appearance, you automatically don’t look as friendly as people who look like they do take some care, because you’re giving the impression “I don’t care what people think of me.” And if you look frumpy, then you also give the impression, “I don’t think I’m worth a lot of time or energy.” That shows that you don’t really respect yourself.

Why fight the frump? Because your appearance reflects, but also AFFECTS, your inner reality.Click To Tweet

When you take care, though, then you say, “I like myself. I’m a happy person.” That may sound shallow, but psychological research shows that when we care for our appearance, we feel better about virtually all aspects of life.

So today, I want to focus on something basic: your hair. Tomorrow we’ll tackle makeup.

Fight the Frump: Finding a hairstyle that works for you is so important!

Yesterday the comments focused mostly on clothes (likely because I was talking about clothes!), and we will get to that later in the week. But here’s the truth:

You can wear the best outfit in the world, and if your hair is a mess, you won’t feel good in that outfit. 

Our hair is the most basic part of our appearance, because it frames the face. It gives that first impression. And so you need a good hairstyle!

I actually spent a lot of time caring for my hair as a teenager and a woman in her young twenties. I either curled it a ton:

Fight the Frump: Our Hair!

Or I cut it short and curled it:

Fighting the Frump with Great Hair!

My graduation from my Master’s Degree in 1993.

It’s not that I had good haircuts; I just spent a lot of time on it. But after I had kids it all changed. My hair is very heavy, and doesn’t hold curl tremendously well without a lot of time with a curling iron. So I just gave up. And I went back to my glasses, too.

Seriously, I look younger here than my two younger cousins! And just to prove that I ALWAYS looked like that, here’s another shot from our playgroup:

With friends from our playgroup in 1997

Within a few years I was sick of being frumpy, so I finally got a good haircut I liked. I found a hairdresser in Belleville that went to our church, and I just let her do whatever she wanted. She texturized my hair like crazy (because it’s so thick) so that it would have more body and shape. She’s been a super good friend ever since (she was even the “flower girl” when we renewed our wedding vows after 25 years). But I have always felt so much better!

Here I am in 2004, with Katie, right after Jill did my hair:

The key for me has always been that I want my hair to look amazing even after just a few minutes. I can’t be tied to a curling iron or straightener to feel good, or I will never do my hair.

So here I am when I first wake up in the morning:

Fight the Frump: Get a Good Hairstyle!

Sheila when she just gets up!

And here I am after brushing, a tiny bit of gel, and a little bit of hair spray. Total time: Under a minute (barely!)

Frumpy Hair: Just get a good hairstyle!

A good haircut makes a huge difference.

And that’s what Rebecca found, too.

My daughter, Rebecca, had beautiful curls all the way to her waist when she was in high school.

Somewhere right before university, her hair just lost the natural curl and went to just waves and a bunch of frizz. It became really hard to manage, and never really got back to that natural curl she had before.

So (I have her permission to write this!) her hair has been pretty frumpy since she was 18 unless she put a solid hour into styling it. So here’s what she did (take it away, Becca!)

Becca here. It was obvious that I needed a change. Seriously, university put me into a funk when it comes to hair and makeup and now I work from home, so it’s easy to let it slip! Here’s what I tended to look like (but remember, these were when I was comfortable enough to take pictures, so it was usually way worse than here!):

Frumpy Hair: All frizz, no style

Frumpy hair: Just hangs there

I was getting really tired of dumpy whenever I looked in the mirror, though, so I called up a hairdresser friend and told her that I needed a hairstyle that:

  • Worked with my natural wave/body so I wouldn’t have to straighten it every day
  • Wouldn’t have to be blow-dried
  • Would be easy to fancy up for special occasions
  • And would take less than 5 minutes to style

So I got a layered bob with a body perm and it has been a HUGE success.

Here it is after just a bit of spritzing and some gel in the morning:

 

A whole lot better than before (trust me)! Finding a hairstyle that works for you and takes only a very little time is such a huge help. Have straight hair? Maybe a layered cut with texture to give it more volume. Have half-wavy hair like I do? Maybe add in some curls to help give the volume more structure.

It doesn’t need to take an hour to look put together. The difference is huge–and my husband loves it! But I spend less time than I did before, and now it actually looks good. Which is a big relief!

What if you have long hair? Seriously consider getting it textured

My daughter Katie has extremely heavy, extremely long hair, which pretty much always looks amazing. But it’s because she keeps her ends trimmed, AND because Jill (yes, we all go to the same hairdresser because Jill is awesome) texturizes it like crazy. She takes those texturizing scissors and just chops chops chops. That way Katie’s hair is a lot thinner as you move down, and then it flows better and holds curl better (because Katie actually takes time to curl it.

Here’s one of her engagement photos:

Fight Frumpy Hair: Get Long Hair Texturized

It may look like she has simple long hair, but she doesn’t. And that’s the key, I think, to making long, straight hair look good: It can’t be all the same length. It has to be heavily texturized if it’s thick.

All of us did the same thing. We went in to see a (good) hairdresser and said, “this isn’t working for me. What should I do?” And Jill looked at our hair type and suggested things, even out of the box things (like putting a perm in).

The worst I ever felt about myself was when I had no hair style.

I feel so much better now. Your hair matters. If you don’t know what to do, go on Pinterest and search for hairstyles for your hair texture and length. See what you like, and then bring pictures into a hairdresser. But invest in a good haircut. It makes a huge amount of difference–more than any clothes actually will.

And join me tomorrow when we talk about how a little bit of natural makeup can make a huge difference, too!

Here’s your Fight the Frump challenge today: Ask yourself, Do I have a hairstyle where I can look good and feel good in less than 5 minutes? Ideally, really, under 3? If not, then plan when you’re going to go and make a change!

Do you have a haircut that lets you look great in under 4 minutes? If not, you need one!Click To Tweet

Here’s what we’ll cover in Fight the Frump week:

Monday: Get Dressed! Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup Thursday: A Look at the 6 Body Types and What Clothes Flatter Each Type Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

  1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
  2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Fight the Frump: Mastering Natural Makeup

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Let’s fight the frump today by talking about makeup!

All week we’ve been talking about getting rid of that frumpy feeling by taking care of our appearance and showing that we respect ourselves. It’s not about being a fashion model or having a certain body type. It’s just about looking like you care about yourself, and showing others that you are friendly, approachable, and confident.

We talked about hair yesterday, and today I want to tackle makeup! When I wrote my first fight the frump series a few years ago, I had a lot of pushback on the makeup day, because a lot of women said that their husbands prefer them with no makeup.

So I decided that this time around I would talk about makeup differently.

I want to talk about how to use natural looking makeup to enhance what’s there–not try to cover up anything or make you look like a clown.

Fight the Frump Week: Creating a Natural Look with Makeup

I was talking to my daughter Katie about guys not always liking makeup, because Katie is the makeup queen. She does her makeup amazingly well (just glance through her Instagram!).  But she made a really good point: If you have too much makeup on, and you’re cuddling, the makeup gets everywhere! And then my daughter Rebecca said that her husband doesn’t always like lip gloss because it’s kind of icky to kiss. I see, then, why many guys say they like women better without makeup!

What I’m talking about today, then, is natural looking makeup. Here’s me with super heavy makeup, for instance:

Fighting the Frump: Having Natural Looking Makeup

Okay, that’s not what we’re aiming for (though there’s nothing wrong with it necessarily).

So I thought: let’s attack this a different way! I’ve always wanted to try mineral based makeup for a few reasons: It’s totally natural (or at least some brands are), so you’re not adding chemicals to your face. It doesn’t clump like liquid based makeup and pressed makeup. And minerals absorb oils so bacteria doesn’t grow and you don’t get as shiny!

When Emily from Redeeming Beauty Minerals wanted to sponsor this post, then, I got really excited, because she sent me a whole box of samples of her mineral-based makeup! It’s all-natural, toxin-free, and artisan crafted by a WAHM. So it’s good all around!

I wanted to find a daytime look that was natural that didn’t require liquid foundation (since liquid foundation can clog pores and also make a mess out of clothing). So I thought I’d give it a try.

Redeeming Beauty Minerals All Natural Makeup

Samples of Redeeming Beauty Minerals Makeup–foundation, primer, lipstick, mascara, eye shadows, and blush.

Natural makeup, done well, smoothes out your skin tone and highlights key areas, making your eyes shine.

That’s the point! It’s not to make you look painted; it’s to give you soft definition. And it won’t cause blemishes, either, so you can wear it even if you’re breaking out (and it will make you feel better, too!)

So here I am with no makeup:

Fight the Frump: Trying out natural makeup

Sheila without makeup!

I started with her liquid primer, which isn’t goopy or gelled, like most drug store blends. It’s just a simple liquid. It’s safe for blemish prone skin, and it tightens while lightly moisturizing. With lavender, neroli, and grapeseed oil, it sounds truly wonderful!

Then I used the powder foundation. Was it ever soft! I couldn’t believe the difference. And it honestly did even out my skin tone. I’ve always been afraid to try mineral makeup for just that reason–I thought I’d need liquid foundation to make my face not so red in certain parts. But it really does smooth everything out! Emily says:

If you do a light dusting with a loosely packed brush, either shade should work. If you want a thicker application, then use a kabuki brush and buff on. The firmer the buffing, the deeper the shade, so you can create the perfect match for you.The special formulation smooths and evens your skin tone.

And then she told me what’s in it: finely milled silk, finely milled pearl, and other great stuff. No wonder it’s soft! And iron oxides and mica creates the different shades.

Have you ever tried mineral makeup? I did this week--and I'm in love!Click To Tweet

I had little samples of different blushes and eye shadows, and I chose some simple pinks and purples for my cheeks and eyes.

I took an eyeliner brush and used some of the dark purple eye shadow at the corners of my upper lid, too. Then I added some mascara. Emily’s mineral mascara is formulated to help lash growth (which I hope works because I have virtually no bottom lashes!). She has a video up on how to make your lashes longer!

Emily’s lipstick is super creamy, so it’s not glossy and men won’t mind kissing it. 😉 If you’re one of those gals who always wears chapstick in the winter, this really would be the equivalent. So instead of sticking on chapstick, you could apply some subtle colour that also protects your lips! This particular colour is Labyrinthine victory, and Emily writes:

All colors are named to empower women to put on the characteristics/names that they choose (like putting on the armor of God). You can see the list of lipstick names at the link just below, but Labyrinthine Victory is designed to remind her that in Christ she can have victory over the dark mazes of life.

Finally, I finished it all off with Perfectly Flawless Finishing Powder.

Fight the Frump: Makeup edition!

I didn’t apply the makeup as dark as I normally would (I’m one of those women who actually likes makeup, and my husband does too), so I went for just a natural look.

Fight the Frump: Natural Makeup Look

But you can see that my face doesn’t look super colourful. It doesn’t look like a clown. But I look like I have more definition than I did at the beginning (here’s the before and after together):

Fight the Frump: Before and After Makeup

Natural looking makeup helps you feel less frumpy--and doesn't have to take much time!Click To Tweet

What if all those makeup steps seem overwhelming?

That’s okay! You could get away with foundation, blush, and some eyeliner and mascara if that’s all you want to do, and it would take a grand total of maybe 1 1/2 minutes (this likely took me about 3 minutes). In fact, Emily has an awesome tutorial on how to keep makeup simple, use only a few products, and still enhance your natural beauty.

I put all this on yesterday morning about 10, and then for lunch Katie and I headed out to the place where her wedding reception is to sample the menu. Then we went out with a friend. By the time I looked in the mirror again it was 6:00, and I pretty much looked exactly the same. Usually my makeup falls off within a few hours, because I have super oily skin (that means no wrinkles yet, but it also makes makeup trickier). But this stayed put, so I’m totally sold on mineral makeup!

Look, no one HAS to wear makeup. But a natural look really can make you feel wonderful.

I’m totally okay if you choose not to. When people say, though, that they look better without makeup, I think what they mean is that they look better without the HEAVY makeup (like my first picture). I truly can’t think of anybody I know who honestly looks better without any makeup than they would with a natural look.

I didn’t wear a lot of makeup when my kids were little, and I felt so frumpy and depressed. That’s likely why I’m so passionate about this and why I’ve been saying this for years now: frumpy does make you grumpy, and it affects your outlook on life. And we’re so prone to it when our children are small and we have so little time.

Are you scared of makeup? Makeup doesn't have to be heavy! A natural look can enhance beauty: Click To Tweet

But let’s summarize this now.

This week to fight the frump, I took:

That’s a grand total of 4 minutes and 45 seconds. No, I didn’t wash my hair on the hair day, and if I did, I would have added 5-7 minutes with blow drying. But that’s it. So it’s not lack of time that makes us frumpy. The problem is that we don’t know:

  • What clothes to choose
  • How to get a good haircut
  • How to put on the right makeup
  • and how to put an outfit together

I hope I’ve helped with hair and makeup. Tomorrow we’ll look at how to choose clothes, and we’ll bring it on home on Friday with how to put outfits together. If you’re really lost on how to apply makeup, check out Emily’s tutorials! And pay attention to the No Makeup Makeup Look, too.

Thanks, Emily, for the makeup, and check out Redeeming Beauty Minerals here!

Here’s what we’re covering in Fight the Frump week:

Monday: Get Dressed! Tuesday: Getting a Good Haircut Thursday: Finding Clothes that Flatter Your Shape Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

  1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
  2. Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and your makeup challenges.

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

 

 

Fight the Frump: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

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It’s Fight the Frump week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and today we’re going to talk about how to find items of clothing that fit and flatter you.

We’ve talked about hair and makeup so far, because your face is where people look first. You want it to be framed well and to look great! But now let’s move on to clothing, which is often a source of great stress for women.

But first, let me tell you a story.

About a decade ago I was on a speaking tour, and when I go out of town to speak, churches often put me up at hotels. The cool thing about that is that I could watch TV, since we’ve never had cable at home. So I decided I’d try CSI, since my nephew was always watching it and I wanted to see what he was seeing.

That episode had to do with a woman, travelling alone in a hotel, who found a body under her bed.

I got Keith on the phone while I checked for corpses under my bed, and changed the channel.

And then I found What Not To Wear.

That show changed my life. It was amazing! And it was inspiring. They took women who felt dowdy and badly about themselves and showed them that they really were beautiful, because they showed them how to dress to match their personality and give them confidence.

And those women quite frequently were not the “ideal” shape. There were bigger women. Busty women. Pear shaped women. Twiggy women. But they all felt great in the end.

You see, it’s not about needing the perfect body. It’s about learning how to dress the one you have.

That’s what I want to tackle today: principles for choosing clothes that will flatter you, and make you feel good about yourself!

But first, a caveat. One reason women get upset about shopping is because they try things on and nothing looks good. But that’s okay! As we’re going to talk about tomorrow, you can have a totally versatile, functional, and beautiful wardrobe with only 25-40 pieces. You don’t need a ton of things! So if you try on 20 and only 1 works, that’s okay. Don’t give up! It’s better to have fewer pieces that are well-made and look great on you than a ton of pieces off the clearance rack that you buy because you just have to come home with something (and it’s cheaper, too, to buy fewer but more expensive pieces than tons of low-quality pieces).

So don’t get discouraged! If you need a pair of pants, you may need to try on 20 pairs. But then you’ll have your pants. And hopefully they will do you for a few years!

And you can still dress well and be comfortable. I’m going to illustrate my principles with clothes from some online retailers, just so you can see pictures of what I’m talking about (these are affiliate links). You can buy clothes that are comfortable and can still be casual, while also looking like you’re put together.

Casual and comfortable are great. Sloppy, as if you don’t care, is not. Oversized graphic Ts and jeans that don’t fit or yoga pants with holes in them are frumpy. So it’s not that you can’t be casual; it’s just that we should take pride in what we look like, and do casual well. So let’s look at how that works!

Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter: Part of our Fight the Frump Week! 4 General Principles on dressing YOUR body well!

Do you know the four general principles of finding clothes that FIT and FLATTER you?Click To Tweet

General Principle 1: Clothes Can Create a Shape

Ideally most women yearn for an hourglass shape. If you’re one of the few who already basically has one, then pretty much any clothes will look great on you. Most of us, though, aren’t perfect hour glasses. So what we want to do is use clothing to create a shape by emphasizing certain things and drawing the eye to certain places.

One reason people tend to wear very baggy clothes is because they feel big, and they don’t want anyone to see their shape. But appearing shapeless actually makes you look bigger than if you emphasize a shape. And you’ll tend to feel more feminine if you emphasize a shape than if you try to cover up your body–even if you don’t like your body!

General Principle 2: If You Want Something to Look Bigger, then Use Pattern and Texture and Fabric

I don’t have much of a bust. So if I’m going to look hourglass, I want to do things to create shape on the top part of my body. Maybe you DO have a bust, but your bottom half is still way bigger You can do that with things like ruffles to add detail, or some extra fabric to add curves, like this:

Solid V Neck Shirt

Solid V-Neck T shirt from Fashionmia, on sale for $14.96

Here’s me in a ruffled top that I wear a lot when I speak! It just adds more oomph where I don’t have it. 🙂

Fight the Frump by wearing ruffles and layers!

And layers work well, too!

Layered Top

Fashionmia Round Neck Zips Top, On sale for $17.95

If you need more width on top, you can even get away with horizontal stripes, like this cute top!

Striped Cowl Neck Tunic

FashionMia Striped Top, $39.75 (on sale now for $7.95)!

What about if you’re super busty, but you’re actually quite thin on the bottom? How do you make your bottom half look fuller? Wear flowing skirts! Choose boot cut jeans rather than skinny jeans. And try dresses that are more form fitting on top and fuller in the bottom!

Full Skirt Dress

Megan Dress from Karina Dresses, $108

(all Karina dresses are basically the same cost, but you can see them on real people and they look awesome!)

General Principle 3: If you Want Something to Look Smaller, Make it Plainer and More Form Fitting

Wait–“why would I want form fitting around my hips if my hips are huge?”, you may say! But trust me. Wearing a pencil skirt or fitted jeans, when paired with the kind of tops we’ve talked about, makes you look much smaller than if you cover your hips in a huge skirt or in baggy pants.

It’s absolutely true! Go shopping with a friend who is fashionable and let her pick the clothes for you to try on. You may be surprised!

Here’s a ruched skirt from Kiyonna Clothing, which focuses on Plus-Sized clothes, just to show you what I mean.

Kiyonna Ruched Skirt

Kiyonna Ruched Skirt, $78 (on sale for $54!)

I would prefer the top was more flowy, but if you click through the link, you’ll see multiple pictures of real customers wearing it with tops that are more flowy, and it looks great!

One of the issues bustier women have, too, is that they don’t want to draw attention to their chest, so they wear square shaped baggy tops. It’s understandable. Especially if you’re sensitive about people staring at you there, it can be intimidating to try something more form fitting. But those sorts of tops really do make you look smaller than wearing a huge piece of fabric on your upper half. If you’re really busty, look below at some of the high waisted options.

No matter your body shape, you can choose clothes that fit it and flatter it! 4 Great Tips:Click To Tweet

General Principle 4: Everybody needs a waist.

Yes, those with perfect figures can get away with no waist, but most of us need our waists defined. It gives you more shape if you’re straight up and down, but it also makes you look smaller if you’re not! So try to choose basic t-shirts that are fitted, like this:

Fitted Turtleneck

Fashionmia Fitted Long Sleeve Turtleneck, $14.95 on sale

But your waist doesn’t have to be at your waist. You want to emphasize the smallest part, and for many women, that’s right below the bust. So a blouse that comes in below the bust, and then flows out from there can make your waist look a lot smaller. And it can hide your tummy!

High Waisted Top

Fashionmia Ruffled Hem t-shirt, on sale for $18.66

And here’s a dressier version from Kiyonna Plus Sized clothing:

High Waisted Tunic

Promenade Top from Kiyonna, $58

Or you can do the same in dresses, too!

High Waisted Dress

Nora Dress from Karina Dresses, $108

Do you dress in shapeless things because you're afraid you're too big? Why that doesn't work!Click To Tweet

Those are your basic principles for dressing your body type.

And the neat thing is that those items of clothing are actually quite comfortable (except for perhaps the super dressy ones). You don’t need to wear just yoga pants and t-shirts to be comfortable! It’s winter! Fleece-lined leggings with a tunic or skinny jeans with a tunic are super comfortable. You can get all kinds of things in t-shirt fabric or sweatshirt fabric, but they look great!

Heavy Tunic Shift Dress

Fashionmia Tunic Shift Dress, on sale for $20.95

You can be comfortable and stylish. You don’t have to feel like nothing fits you. You don’t have to feel like nothing looks good on you. You just have to look for clothes in the right shape and style!

Tomorrow I want to talk about the concept of creating outfits ahead of time using a capsule wardrobe, so that you don’t need a ton of pieces to look put together. It doesn’t have to cost a ton of money or time to put a great wardrobe together. And you can plan your purchases deliberately, thinking, “I need one colour blazer and one neutral pair of pants.” But I hope that helps!

Here’s Another Idea for Finding Clothes that Look Good on You

Try a subscription with Le Tote! They’ll send you a box with 3-5 items (depending on your subscription) based on what you’ve marked as things you’d like to try. Then you can wear them, and when you’re done, ship them back (for free) and they’ll send you more! The subscription is on a monthly basis, so you can return things as often as you’d like during that month. It’s a great chance to try on a bunch of different things, and then you can cancel when you’re done and know what you like!

And right now, you can get 40% off your first month! It’s a great chance to just try things on, see what compliments you get from other people, and experiment with your style!

Check out Le Tote here!

Want to Join Me in Fighting the Frump?

Monday: Get Dressed! Tuesday: Choosing a Quick Hairstyle that Flatters You Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

  1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
  2. Leave a comment telling me what are your biggest problems when trying to find clothes that flatter you–and telling me which general principle would work well for you.

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

 

Fight the Frump: Looking Put Together with Outfits

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Are you ready to create outfits that work for you?

We’ve been talking all week about how to fight the frump, covering hair, natural-looking makeup, and finding clothes that fit and flatter.

Now we’re going to bring it all together by talking about that final, put together look.

So let’s go back to Monday for a moment. Remember how I got dressed and it took 45 seconds, vs. 30 seconds in the ugly outfit? My point was that it didn’t take any longer to dress in something that looks good than something that looks terrible.

But I have a confession to make. I didn’t tell the whole story on Monday.

Here’s the truth: You can only get dressed fast if you know what you’re going to wear.

If you have to stand staring at your clothes every morning in utter confusion, wondering what to wear and what will look good together, then getting dressed and fighting the frump will take far too much time.

So I want to share with you my secret about what I do every month.

Fight the Frump Week: Putting Outfits Together Using a Capsule Wardrobe

I talked about it last year when I wrote about my capsule wardrobe, and I want to come back to that today.

Here’s what a capsule wardrobe is, in a nutshell: you decide to dress with just a few pieces in your closet–many people choose 40–that are made up of neutrals and then some colours that coordinate, so that with just a few pieces you can create multiple outfits and looks.

Then you try to make sure that each of those pieces is high quality and can do double duty, in different outfits with different looks.

I cheat a bit with my capsule wardrobe. I haven’t gotten rid of all my clothes except for 40. But what I do is at the beginning of the month I choose 25 that I want to wear that month. And then I store them in my closet in ready-made outfits.

What will a capsule wardrobe of 25 pieces look like? First, decide on your neutrals. Neutrals tend to be: black, grey, brown, navy, beige, or khaki. Those are colours that you can tend to layer with prints or patterns, and they’ll still look good. I used to use black all the time in my wardrobe, but black honestly doesn’t suit me. So now I tend towards browns and greys.

Then, once you’ve decided on your neutrals, you choose some bright coloured or patterned pieces to add to it.

Here, for example, is a sample 25 item capsule wardrobe:

Neutral colour 1: (Khaki)
1 casual pant
1 dress pant
1 long sleeve shirt
1 short sleeve shirt
1 blazer/jacket

Neutral colour 2: (brown)
1 long sleeve shirt
1 short sleeve shirt
1 skirt

Neutral Extras: (Solid Colours)
2 jeans
1 blazer/jacket (blue)
1 sweater (other)

Add colours:
6 tops
1 vest
1 dress
2 sweaters
3 T-shirts

Once you’ve done all that, you can accent them all with purses, belts, scarves and necklaces. Even shoes! (Although it’s getting to be winter where I live, so it’s really all about the boots right now!)

What's in a 25-item Capsule Wardrobe? It's spelled out right here!Click To Tweet

Accents end up making the outfit

I took Kelly Snyder’s Adore Your Wardrobe course last year and she explained the awesome “Rule of 4” which has helped me create outfits! Basically, you have to be able to count to at least 4 when you’re getting dressed to feel like you’re dressed in an actual outfit.

So how do you get to 4? Neutral pants and plain coloured shirts count as 0. A pattern on either a top or a bottom counts as 1. A sweater or blazer is another 1. A big necklace, a belt, a scarf, or a brooch are all 1. So you can get to 4 with jeans, a t-shirt, a funky sweater, a big belt, and a necklace. Or you can get to 4 with jeans, a patterned shirt, a plain sweater, and a big necklace.

You may have great clothes. But how do you create an outfit? Some easy pointers!Click To Tweet

Here, for example, are some outfits I’ve got:

Fight the Frump with a Capsule Wardrobe

Casual Shirt with a scarf–Accent belt not shown

But here’s another way I’d wear that same shirt (again, the accent belt isn’t shown):

Or you can throw in one of your patterned shirts!

Patterned shirt with bold necklace and sweater

I also like to pick one or two pieces that I love but don’t wear that much–like some of my handknits–and throw them in each month. This week I’m focusing on a tank top that I knit (seen here) and a vest that I knit (seen in my makeup post!) I’ve figured out different ways to wear it:

Fighting the Frump Capsule Fall Wardrobe

Dressing up the tank with a purple leather jacket

Making the tank more casual with a flowy sweater

And, of course, I try to throw in at least one skirt and dress to try to encourage myself to wear them more often (and I’m stocking up on fleece-lined tights to make them more comfortable in Canada’s fall!)

Fun comfy sweater over a skirt, bold bracelet not shown

I know it can be hard when you have little kids to wear necklaces (I remember those days! My kids kept pulling them!). So those may not be good fashion choices for you at that stage of your life. And scarves that kids can spit up on are likely bad choices, too. But a few big bracelets or some cool belts can do wonders!

Add Accents to Your Tops–and store them that way

What I do, then, is I choose my 25 pieces, and then I choose a bunch of necklaces and scarves that coordinate and I store those necklaces and scarves on the same hanger as the top I may wear them with. I store my belts on the same hanger as the jeans or skirts or dresses I may wear them with.

And I take my whole capsule wardrobe–including jeans and t-shirts–and put them on hangers on one shelf on my closet for that month, so that I can see everything at a glance.

 

If your closet isn’t big enough for that, use a drawer! Choose one drawer that is just for your capsule wardrobe items, and store them folded so that you can see them at a glance when you open the drawer, like this:

The Capsule Wardrobe: Putting Clothes in a Drawer

But you’ll find if you spend 20-30 minutes at the beginning of each month choosing some items of clothing to concentrate on, then you can think about what you’d like to pair with it and create outfits, so you don’t have to think each day! And you’ll know that if you pick a shirt with a necklace or scarf, you’ll also have a sweater or skirt or pants that will coordinate, and you can mix and match.

I sometimes plan a whole capsule wardrobe around one item: sometimes a silk scarf I love but hardly ever wear (I’ll choose things that coordinate with it) or something I knit that I haven’t worn in a while. And that way I find myself happier with my wardrobe and wearing more pieces, rather than sticking to the easy ones!

Whew. There you go. Fight the Frump is done!

I hope you feel energized. I hope you feel like you CAN do this–like you can dress with confidence and get yourself ready to take on the world with just a few minutes each morning. It doesn’t have to be onerous. But it can make such a difference in how we see ourselves, and in how others see us!

So let’s keep this going. Create that wardrobe, make some outfits, and let’s see you shine this month before Christmas!

And remember–you can join me by:

  1. Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
  2. Leave a comment telling me what your biggest takeaway from the Fight the Frump series is–what are you going to do differently now?

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Other posts in Fight the Frump:

Monday: Get Dressed!
Tuesday: Choosing a Quick Hairstyle that Flatters You
Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup
Thursday: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

 

 

 

 

10 Tips for Winter Pajamas that Are Warm–but Still Sexy!

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How do you choose sexy pajamas–that are still warm?

Recently I wrote a “Fight the Frump” series at the blog, where I encouraged all of us to try to spend just a few minutes looking put together every morning–to show that we respect ourselves. It was a super fun week, but in the middle of it I received an SOS from a reader.

You’ve got to help me with pajamas! I sleep in sweat pants and t-shirts with holes in them. Definitely frumpy!

I get it. In fact, just to prove it to you, I took a picture of myself one morning last week when I had definitely not put any thought into what pajamas I was throwing on:

Super Frumpy Pajamas--how to choose pajamas that are warm but still sexy

Okay, at least I was patriotic!

But still. 

That’s pathetic.

We’ve got to do something about this! And so today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I would tackle the winter pajama dilemma.

I know that not all of you face this. If you live in the southern United States, or if you’re Down Under right now where it’s summer, then you likely aren’t worried about warm pajamas. But for those of us who live in more northern climates, winter pajamas are a bit of a challenge. In the summer we can wear cute 2-pieces and super cute nightgowns, but in the winter we want to be warmer. And warmth usually = flannel. And flannel is very rarely sexy!

In fact, I had a running joke in one of the Girls Night Out events I did about a flannel nightgown I once had. This nightgown sent a very definite message–“No Trespassing”. And that’s not a message we want to be sending! (Or, if you do want to send it, then you really should get my Boost Your Libido course!)

Let's Choose Non-Frumpy Pajamas! 10 ways to choose pajamas that are warm but still sexy.

So let’s talk about how to choose pajamas that don’t say “No Trespassing”, but that still keep us from freezing!

Sexy & Warm Pajamas: 10 tips for finding pajamas that keep you warm--but still let you feel like a woman!

I’ve written quite a bit on this blog about how frumpy makes us grumpy, and how modest shouldn’t mean dowdy. But warm shouldn’t mean dowdy, either. So let’s figure out how to look great together.

This post will contain affiliate links that go to supporting the costs of this blog (which are considerable!).

1. Go with a 2-Piece Set

Nightgowns tend to be colder, and you have to wear them with really thick socks, which can be off-putting in its own way.

In general, then, to stay warm, stick to a 2-piece pajama set.

But how do you make it sexy?

10 tips for choosing winter pajamas that keep you warm--but that AREN'T frumpy!Click To Tweet

2. Bright Colors Make for Sexy Pajamas

Go for bright colors, like deep red or deep purple–or even black. Stay away from pastels which are too “girly”. You want a colour that says, “I am a woman”, not “where’s my Barbie?”

 

Jockey Women's Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, Black, Large

Jockey Women’s Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, $40.50

See it here.

Seriously, look at the difference between that and something like this:

The black says, “I’m interested in night time things.” The pink says–well, I’m not really sure what it says. But it’s not, “let’s get it on!”

3. Think the Right Prints for Sexy Pajamas

Shy away from anything with small cute animals (like kittens), or ice cream cones or flowers (like the one above!), or anything that looks like a 12-year-old girl could wear it.

Instead, go for something like a leopard print, or a plaid.

Del Rossa Women's 100% Cotton Flannel Pajama Set - Long Pjs, XL Purple Plaid (A0509P65XL)

Del Rossa Cotton Flannel Pajama Set, Plaid, $32.99

See it here.

Del Rossa cotton pajamas, leopard print, $25.49

See it here!

4. Choose Form Fitting Pajamas to Make You Feel Sexy

Here are some form-fitting flannel long john pajamas. No one can say these are dowdy, but they do keep one warm!

Betsey Johnson Women’s Printed Rib Knit Pj Set, $34.97

See it here!

Or you can go for another fitted look. As long as they’re ribbed pajamas, they’re still really comfortable!

Womens Lace-trimmed Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $27.99

See it here.

In fact, this is the look that I’ve chosen to go for this Christmas! Every Boxing Day I buy new pajamas for the family, and this year I chose some purple thermals for myself. They’re so soft, too! And our reader who sent in the question sent me this “after” picture after she bought herself some thermals (she invited me to share it!)

(Those look remarkably like the ones I linked to above!)

5. Buttons Can Be Sexy!

…because they can be UNbuttoned. If you’re not comfortable with form-fitting pajamas, that’s okay. Just remember the fun that you can have with 2-piece ensembles that have buttons!

Ekouaer Women's Long Sleeve Sleep Pajama Set with Pocket XS, Navy

Ekouaer Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $36.99

See it here.

6. Something He Loves Can Be Sexy!

Is he really into sports? Why not buy some flannel pajamas that celebrate his team (or your team)?

Boston Bruins Pajama Bottoms, $28.31

See it here.

7. Warm Pajamas Can Still Be Satin

Satin can be surprisingly warm, and the material says “sexy”. So try mixing it up, and don’t just go for cotton or flannel or fleece.

Del Rossa Women's Classic Satin Pajama Set - Long Pjs, Large Burgundy (A0750BRGLG)

Del Rossa Women’s Satin Pajama Set, $24.99

See it here.
10 tips for choosing WINTER PAJAMAS that don't tell your husband, 'No Trespassing'!Click To Tweet

Here’s another tip: buy some satin sheets! If you’ve got a really warm duvet, then satin sheets will still keep you warm enough, and they can add some heat to the bedroom.

Honeymoon 4PC bed sheet set, Red sheet, King set, HM00209001K-RED

Red Satin Sheet Set, $28.99

See it here.

8. Try a warm–and long–nightgown!

I’ve been showing you all 2-piece sets because I tend to think they’re the warmest. But you can go for a warm nightgown, too!

Long Sleeve Form Fitting Nightgown, $22.99

See it here!

9. A great duvet lets you wear whatever you want! (and that’s sexy!)

Finally, here’s something I always recommend: just get a super warm duvet! It’s one of the best investments you can make. Yes, a real duvet is more expensive than a comforter set, but it’s super luxurious. And don’t you want your bed to feel great? If you have a warm duvet and a super warm robe, then you can wear light nightgowns or sexy 2-piece sets all year round. I have a friend who even sleeps naked (up here in Canada!) all year round, because her duvet is so awesome.

Pair them with some Slumber Cloud temperature regulated sheets (which hold heat in and release it later, keeping you cool when you need it or heating you up when you need it), and you’re all set to go!

Goose Duvet, $94.99

See it here.

10. Keep a space heater near the bed at night.

If you and your hubby don’t want to pay to heat the whole house overnight, you can at least pay for a few minutes of electricity to keep your half of the bed warm! And then it’s easier to want to get OUT of those pajamas–whichever ones you’re wearing–and have some fun.

Let me know in the comments: How do you feel pretty and feminine if you’re a northern girl like me and it’s freezing at night? What do you wear?


Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?

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Check out 31 Days to Great Sex

Reader Question: Why Can’t I Get In the Mood?

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Do you find that you can’t get in the mood and can’t get mentally ready for sex because you dread it?

For the next few days we’re talking on the blog about how to embrace your sexuality, and I want to start with this reader question from a woman who finds that she dreads sex because she hates her body. She writes:

What do you do when you don’t want to be intimate with your husband because you are ashamed of your body? I struggle with self esteem issues that cripple my ability to be intimate. The thought of what my husband is feeling or seeing takes all sex drive away from me. My body turns me off and I cannot bear to be seen or touched. Our children are 7 and 9 and we both work, the kids are in activities everyday. So between work, school drop off, housework, cooking, shuttling to activities, groceries, etc, I’m exhausted and can barely shower/ shave. I’ve found it very important that I look and feel as sexy as possible in order to feel intimate and I just haven’t been able to make it happen. Spontaneous sex is horrifying – I probably need to shave, touch up makeup, spritz some perfume, and have something other than leggings and a big shirt on. I feel bad turning my husband down for sex but I’m just too embarrassed of what I’ve tuned into. I want to be a fulfilling wife and have a full filling marriage – I want to want sex , but it just isn’t there. I feel he deserves better but I can’t get over this hump of awkwardness and shame over my physical self. Any tips for rediscovering that intimacy and getting over busy issues?

Sometimes I read letters and they really grieve me, because all I can see is how much we women are sabotaging our own happiness. It’s not that we’re doing it deliberately. But we aren’t fighting hard enough for what we know is right and what we know is God’s best for us.

And that’s what it needs to be–a fight.

I don’t mean to be harsh with this woman. I know she’s hurting. But here’s the simple truth: the reason that she is hurting is because she is listening to voices in her head that are wrong, and because she is allowing shame into her life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, can fix that except for her. The answer lies with her.

That’s what the apostle Paul said, too, when he wrote this in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

She needs to start treating her self-defeating attitude and her self-defeating actions like a war that she is fighting. When a thought comes into her head that makes sex seem awful or her body seem ugly, she has to fight, because she is in a war, on several fronts:

When You Dread Sex Because of Body Issues | I hate sex | Low body self-image

War #1: She Is Being Told Her Body is Inadequate

First, our culture is at war with her, telling her that she’s too fat and that she’s undesirable, because our culture has made sex only about the body, rather that about intimacy. So you can’t have sex unless you’re a certain size.

But let’s remember why our culture preaches that! As I share in my Girl Talk, the talk I give for women in churches about sex and marriage, God designed sex to be intimate in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But when you take sex outside of marriage, the physical is all you have left. That makes “being sexy” far more important than it ever used to be, and leads to really ridiculous standards of beauty, the ones that we see on magazine covers in the checkout lines. When sex is only physical, it becomes very shallow.

Most women who feel inadequate and feel ugly have husbands who would love to see their wives naked more. But the shame that we women feel means that we don’t let our men see us naked. We deprive them of what they want, and we deprive ourselves of the joy that God designed us to take in our physical bodies.

So let me ask you a question: To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth? Is it our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or is it God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?

[clickToTweet tweet=”To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth when it comes to your marriage? Our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?” quote=”To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth when it comes to your marriage? Our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?”]

And if you want to let God define your beauty, then you have to fight the negative self-talk! When you get a thought about how ugly you are, you have to replace it with how God feels about you. You have to fight! God wants you to win this fight, but He doesn’t fight it for you. He asks you to enter the battle.

War #2: She’s Surrendering to Our Culture

There’s another war going on here, though. It’s not just that our culture is defining her beauty; it’s that she’s fighting a mental war with herself about her worth. And she’s surrendering in that war.

Our culture tells her she doesn’t measure up. And so what does she do? She stops showering. She stops shaving. She never puts on makeup. She goes around the house in leggings and a big shirt.

Now, stop it! Ladies, comfort and lack of time is nothing but an excuse. It takes no more time to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans and a nice top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is not the problem. So stop using that as an excuse!

As I showed in my Fight the Frump series, I can get dressed, with makeup on, in under five minutes. That’s it. And I can shower and shave in under 5 minutes, too. There simply are not excuses for this.

[clickToTweet tweet=”It takes no more time to dress in a nice pair of jeans and an attractive top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is no excuse for being frumpy! ” quote=”It takes no more time to dress in a nice pair of jeans and an attractive top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is no excuse for being frumpy!”]

The problem is not lack of time. The problem is lack of will. She has surrendered because she is allowing our culture to dictate her worth.

War #3: She’s Not Fighting for Her Priorities

She says that what she wants is a fulfilling marriage and to be a fulfilling wife. But is that true? She has her kids in activities every night. She’s overwhelmed by housework and paid work. And I can guarantee that she’s stressed to the max, which likely means that her kids and her husband are pretty stressed, too. Her family life must be running on max all the time.

So let’s just ask a question.

What would her life look like if she lived out her priorities–if she truly lived out wanting a fulfilling marriage?

  • She might cut down on kids’ activities so they could spend more time at home enjoying being a family, and feeling less stress.
  • This would likely significantly reduce their expenses (both on kids’ activities and on gas money to chauffeur them everywhere), which may allow them to deal with any debt they may have, or may even allow her or him to cut back on some hours at work
  • They could eat dinner more as a family and likely feel more connected, which would reduce the tension level and help her laugh more with her husband
  • She could have a conversation with her kids and her husband about sharing the load with housework, so that she wasn’t doing all the housework. That way she’d have more energy for relationship (and even for sex)!
  • Because she wasn’t as stressed, she could spend more time in the shower and she would feel better about herself, which would likely result in her choosing clothes that were more flattering.

If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that!

[clickToTweet tweet=”If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that! Having kids in activities every night means that your marriage likely comes last. ” quote=”If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that! Having kids in activities every night means that your marriage likely comes last. “]

Let me say this again: the only solution to feeling badly about your body is to stop feeling badly about your body because you tell yourself positive messages AND you start treating yourself well.

We treat ourselves the way we think we deserve. What does she think she’s worth? Nothing. Her kids and her household get all of her attention and time, and she gets nothing. And then, because she feels horrible about that, her husband gets nothing, too.

It comes down to a choice: Do you want our culture to determine how you feel about yourself and what your priorities should be, or do you want to decide for yourself, based on what you know is God’s best?

You’ve got to make that choice. And you’ve got to enter that battle!

And if you want help, I’m here. I created the Boost Your Libido course to help women get out of this rut and stop letting our culture determine how we should feel about ourselves and how we should spend our time.

Boost Your Libido course

It’s a 10-video course, with fun assignments, that build on each other so you see an immediate difference! In fact, after just the first video, one woman wrote this to me:

I just watched the first module video… tears flooding down my face – “There is nothing wrong with me!” I want to scream it out loud! Excited and a bit nervous to continue. But determined for my husband, myself and our marriage.

And the course addresses things like body image, busy-ness, and lack of a sex drive. And it gives you a game plan so that you can move ahead and actually start to live out your real priorities.

If what you truly want is a fulfilling sex life and a fulfilling marriage, then do something about it.

I know that’s scary. In many ways it’s easier to stay in the rut, because you’re used to it. You spend so much time worrying about other people that you don’t have time to think about how awful you feel about yourself.

But that is no way to live a life, and it’s certainly not the path to a fulfilling marriage. I think this is. And I hope it helps!

Let me know in the comments: Does bad body image make you dread sex? Do you have a hard time getting mentally ready because of what you feel you need to do first? Let’s talk!


Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?

Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Check out 31 Days to Great Sex

10 Stories of Big-Bust Shame from Hitting Puberty Early

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Does hitting puberty early, and growing a bust early, contribute to sexual shame?

All too often it can. A few weeks ago I asked on Facebook and Twitter for women’s experiences if they grew breasts early. The stories and comments were so sad! I just want to share some with you, and then leave you with some of my thoughts.

So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, here are 10 themes that I found about women’s experiences when they grew large chests early:

1. Assuming big breasts = Sex obsessed

  • I am 15 years old and I often get comments from grown men saying I need to ‘cover up’ because they might not be able to control themselves. My stepfather commented on my breasts when I was younger and even made comments about how I would grow up to be a stripper.
  • I was well aware that I got a lot of attention from guys because of my chest. … I regularly had to tell guys I was only 13, which had them running for the hills. I was called “jailbait” all the time. I was approached sexually by guys on a weekly basis. For me, I felt like my chest was a bad thing because I got so much creepy attention for it. 

2. Accusing them of being a temptation

Embarrassed! I was homeschooled, and my guyfriend’s moms would tell me I shouldn’t front-hug their sons because I was being a temptation.

3. Difficulty of finding “modest” clothing when you have natural cleavage

Swim suits were a nightmare as my mother tried to keep me modest. Cleavage was forbidden which meant wearing clothes always up to my collar bones. So many safety pins trying to correct my outfits. My dad stopped hugging me.

4. Unwanted sexual touching (assault) in school

  • I was forced to wear roller disco shorts that fit at the beginning of the year, but then I grew. I was felt up by teacher and a student. I still am unable to enjoy sports.
  • I was in a C-cup in 3rd grade. By high-school boys assumed they could grab my boobs. I had to use “the kick” often. Of course the christian guilt that came with boys grabbing me was no fun either.

5. Being teased horribly by other girls

  • First I felt great I was becoming a woman, however that soon changed. The cruelty of the girls who called me chestarella to shame & embarrass me in front of others.
  • I hated it. I was always super modest, but I have a very large chest that came in early. I was accused of being a bra stuffer. I went to a church lock in and when I was in another room doing an activity, some of the girls got into my bag and got out my big, giant, middle school pads, covered them in red Play-Doh, and stuck them to the walls. Middle school was utter misery and a big part of it was that I was an early bloomer with a large chest. And it didn’t help that I have very heavy periods, and would bleed through a lot. My mom never really had any kind of “talks” with me so I didn’t even understand how tampons worked (I tried to leave them in the plastic part and just shoved it in there). Puberty sucked for real.
  • Awkward and miserable. I got my period before the 4th grade and developed quickly (size B boobs by 6th grade) and was bullied by boys and girls because of it. Verbally bullied because of my boobs, curves, period and some genetics. It got so bad that I had to make special arrangments to use the nurse’s bathroom every time I was on my period. One “friend” even sneakily unhooked my bra during recess (she claimed she was going to massage my shoulders).

6. Being singled out by teachers

It was really hard. My breasts were large by the time I was 10, although I didn’t get my period until 13. My 4th grade teacher made it a point to announce to the class that I was the first to start wearing a bra. Everyone commented: teachers, kids, adults, church people, you name it. It was like throughout my life I was only known as “the one with the big boobs”. I learned to hate my body. I was always uncomfortable. Had a reduction when I was 21, brutal surgery, as one commenter stated. It helped a little, but I still felt like they were too big. 46 years old now, and I am finally coming to terms with loving and accepting my body, but it has been daily struggle.

7. Being an object of curiosity (again, unwanted sexual touching)

I honestly had no Idea I was different until after Christmas my 5th grade year and I came back to school with a crushed velvet shirt(my favorite Christmas gift) and everyone was rubbing it, because it was so soft and my teacher made me go to the nurse and my mom had to bring me a new shirt. I wasn’t allowed to wear it again. That crushed me. My mom told me that the boys were rubbing my boobs( I was already a B) and that isn’t ok. I had no idea it was bad or wrong. After that I was embarrassed to wear tight shirts and started wearing oversized shirts so no one would notice. I got over it as I got older, but it was hard when I was young.

8. Thinking the problem was that you were “fat”

Embarrassed. Awkward. I was made fun of and nothing ever fit right. I thought I was really fat and started dieting in 5th grade.

9. Becoming shy, even though that’s not your personality

I hated it too. I was super self conscious and still fight that today. It made me feel very shy and aware vs feeling confident and proud.

10. Finally, one healthy response (after dozens of scarred ones):

Embraced them. Dressed to enhance them…not inappropriately til in my very late teens early 20s. More saggy these days but still one of my better features. Still the most endowed of my friends

This all breaks my heart. And I do want to say a few things.

Did hitting puberty early cause major embarrassment and shame about your body? Listen to these stories:Click To Tweet

Young girls experience a lot of social pressure around puberty and so much of it is negative! Lets stop the shame they experience with their changing bodies and help them to love their bodies instead!

Could adolescent shame be playing a part in your sex life?

If you grew up feeling like your body was evil, and that your breasts caused you a ton of embarrassment, then maybe it’s no wonder if you’re finding it difficult to enjoy your breasts or to feel sexy! These things that affect us at key times in our lives often travel with us.

So as you read those comments, did any of them trigger anything with you? Do you remember feeling that way? If so, I just urge you to face those things head on, and then pray through the shame and reject it. God really did make your body beautiful. I’m sorry if you were ever made to feel otherwise.

Your body is not dangerous!

What made me particularly angry was how many girls were made to feel like their body was dangerous to men. The way we tell our young girls to cover up because men might lust after them? Do we have any idea what that makes girls feel like?

My daughter Katie developed early, and she’s shared before in a video that when she was in fourth grade, her Sunday School teacher took her aside one day and told her that now that she was developing, she’d have to watch what she wore because men would be looking at her chest. She was horrified. Adult men were looking at her chest?!? What?!? 

And then telling girls that they were now objects of temptation? Not fair. Not fair at all.

Yes, I want girls to dress to respect themselves (and I explain how we can teach them that properly). But we must stop this narrative that girls are responsible if men lust, and that girls’ bodies can become stumbling blocks. That “stumbling block” reason for modesty is actually taking the Bible out of context. If you read the context, you’ll find that there’s a much stronger case for treating girls with respect and not shaming them than there is for telling girls they must cover up so as not to be a temptation to men.

The Bible gives a much stronger case for treating women with respect and not shaming them for their bodies than it does for asking women to cover up so men don't lust. Click To Tweet

We often shame women just because they’re shaped differently

One girl said that her stepfather told her she’d be a stripper because she had a big chest. Really? (And women, if your new husband speaks this way to your biological children, this is not okay. This is abuse and you must protect your daughter).

I have known so many other women who have said, “I was accused of not being modest even though I wore the exact same T-shirt as other girls in the youth group simply because I filled mine out more.” Just because someone is voluptuous does not mean that they aren’t modest or are deliberately trying to attract attention. When we make it sound like they are, then that’s when women start wearing nothing but baggy T-shirts and start hating their bodies. Don’t shame another woman just because she happens to look great in a sweater. And please don’t shame a teen girl for the same reason!

Make sure your daughters could NEVER say any of this!

As moms, it’s our job to guide our daughters through puberty and to help them develop a healthy respect for their bodies. That means we have to keep the conversations at puberty open and honest and uplifting, rather than focusing on shame.

If you’re not sure how to do that, my daughters and I have created The Whole Story, a unique video-based course for girls aged 10-12 or 13-15 to guide them through puberty, body chances, peer pressure, and understanding sex. My daughters tell your girls “the whole story”, and then lesson plans and discussion questions help you keep those conversations going. It’s fun and it’s relatively painless! Check it out here. (And we have a boys’ version launching in October!)

In the meantime, let me know: Did you see yourself in any of these comments? Did you grow up feeling shame about your body? Let’s talk about how we can get over that shame, and stop our daughters from feeling it!

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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Can We Talk Honestly about Teenagers and Weight Problems?

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I’m going to open a big can of worms.

I’m getting ready for people to throw tomatoes at me and yell at me.

But, please, please, can we talk honestly about something today? I really think we need to have a conversation about the fact that our kids are becoming increasingly obese.

I’m not trying to make anyone feel badly. And I do believe that one’s character matters more than one’s waistline.

But I worry that we’re so scared to make people feel badly about their weight that we’re just not being truthful. Obesity is a serious issue in North America today–and it’s becoming more and more common and more and more extreme. My daughters were both lifeguards and swimming teachers in high school, and they were seeing kids as young as 4 years old who were obese in their classes.

Are we doing enough as a church community and as family units to set up our kids for good health? And what can we do better? Because I’ve noticed some things about teenagers and weight problems:

1. Our Kids Are Growing Up Eating Almost Solely for Pleasure

They are growing up in a culture that eats for pleasure far more than other cultures did, because we have so much food. I eat when I’m bored sometimes, too. Don’t you? You have nothing to do, so the first thought that comes into your head is, “what’s in the fridge”? Many of our children naturally think of food, too, when they’re bored, and hence so much of their social life exists around food. And because we have so much choice, food is expected to taste good because you have options. Kids snack like there is no tomorrow, whereas in previous generations it was expected you had three meals a day and maybe a piece of fruit like an apple if you got hungry in between. Sitting in front of the TV with a bag of chips just didn’t happen unless it was a special family TV night.

A dear woman I know who heads up a ministry aimed at junior high kids told me about a day she spent with several girls, where all the girls did was want to eat. They ate a huge breakfast–far larger than this woman ate herself–and then an hour later asked when the next snack was. Everytime food was brought out they grabbed handfulls of it and stuffed it in, and consumed just as large a lunch. She figures they ate as many calories by 11 that morning as she normally eats all day.

Are churches doing enough to help families set their kids up for good health? Click To Tweet

Many children don’t seem to have a switch that says, “I’m full now”. They love the feeling of stuffing themselves, and the idea that “I am not particularly hungry right now” has never stopped them from eating before, so why should it now?

Kids, Food, and Weight Problems: What are we teaching our kids about why they eat?

2. Kids Aren’t Learning How to Have Healthy Relationships with Food

When our oldest (Rebecca) was around 7, a little friend down the block used to hang out at our house constantly. I still remember the day she ate her first stick of celery. She didn’t know what it was. The only vegetables she had ever eaten were carrots and cucumber. And she had never eaten any vegetable cooked (unless you count french fries).

We served her stew one night and she didn’t know what to do with it, though once she tried it she liked it.

More than was the case a few decades ago, kids are growing up not knowing about fruits, veggies, and nutrition. KFC is healthy because it’s chicken, and chicken is good for you, right? But what happens when kids grow up without any basic knowledge of nutrition and see food as a boredom-killer more than their body’s fuel is they start not knowing how to have a healthy relationship with the food they eat. Kids overeat when they’re stressed, bored, happy, or sad simply because they’ve been taught that eating makes them feel good or is the best way to reward themselves. And that leads to a lot of obesity.

Can we talk honestly about teenagers and weight problems? It's a touchy subject, but so important.Click To Tweet

3. Teenage Obesity Affects the Rest of Their Lives

Being obese in childhood leads to lots of health issues, of course. But I don’t think we truly understand that it also affects kids’ lives relationally.

Here are the facts: In marriageable years, people tend to look first at appearance. That doesn’t mean that they won’t eventually look deeper, but appearance matters. And a large part of that is weight. I’m not saying anyone needs to be a size 4. But if you’re carrying an extra 50 pounds or more, it will deter your chances of finding a mate. It simply will.

Researchers have found that if a man is obese at 18, he is half as likely to be married at 40 as his average-sized peers. And men care about weight even more than women do, so it’s likely affecting women even more than it does men. In fact, other studies have found that in general, people are 20% more likely to get married if they are not overweight.

Your first instinct reading that may be to say, “That’s not fair! Men should learn to look what’s on the inside, since that’s what really counts.” And yes, I agree that who the person is matters far more than what they look like.

But the desire to be with someone of a healthy weight isn’t just that men are shallow, or a sign that a guy is looking at a woman like a sex object. The reality is that if someone is medically obese, that often means something about their lifestyle or their ability to do some activities. If a guy wants a wife who can be his partner through adventures, that’s not as much about appearance as it is just how well that woman will fit into his lifestyle.

As well, someone who is medically obese at 20 is more likely to have severe health issues later in life. So people choose to pursue people who are less likely to struggle with health problems if they have the choice.

We need to learn to talk to kids about food in a way that is HEALTHY--and that means being able to have honest conversations about the dangers of obesity.Click To Tweet

We need to figure out how to honestly talk about weight problems without introducing unhealthy beliefs about food, weight, and personal value.

I like looking pretty. And because I’m married, I try a little harder. I think looking nice for your man is a good thing, because it keeps the marriage fresh, and I want him to enjoy coming home to me.

However, I certainly don’t want people to think that our self-esteem should be primarily rooted in how we look, or that we all need to be super skinny to be worth something. Enough negative messages about beauty pervade our culture that I don’t want to add to them.

Yet I know that all of us, and especially our kids, do need to understand some basic things about health and about food. 

Are you in that same boat? Do you know that you need to make a change–but you’re not sure how? Until I was pregnant with Rebecca I never really thought about what food I ate. I just ate so that I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t think about nutrition at all. And it’s only been lately that I’ve realized how I treat food like pleasure rather than fuel that is also fun. There’s a big difference.

If you’re looking to make that switch in your family, so that your kids can have a great relationship with food, let me introduce you to the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle–a collection of 62 eBooks, 12 printable packs & workbooks, 20 eCourses and 2 membership sites, worth a total of $2,235.92, but on sale for 5 days only for $29.97.

I talk about the bundles that I love whenever they come on sale because I think they’re such a great deal. You don’t have to love every item in it, but I buy them every time they’re offered, and I always find one or two things that radically change how I do my life.

I want to highlight just a few items that I’ve been reading through this week that can help you make that transition in your home towards a healthier relationship with food.

10 First Steps to Real Food will take you on the journey I went through a few years ago after I bought my first bundle. It tells you what real food actually is (basically, something that you’d recognize on a farm), and then shows you how to switch your diet pretty painlessly to stuff that’s actually healthy.

One of the biggest changes I made (and it was super hard because it went against everything I’d been taught) was to embrace real fats, like those found in dairy products, avocadoes, nuts, seeds, etc. I had grown up believing the “low fat” mantra, and it’s actually not true. It really does help!

The Well Nourished Lunchbox gives you great ideas for things kids can take for lunch (or pack themselves) to make lunch more interesting, but also a lot healthier. And they’re awfully pretty, too! Other kids will be impressed. 🙂

And there are so many more–including so many resources to help YOU get a proper relationship with food, so that you can model the right thing for your kids. Here are some that I’ve been looking through:

4 Week Fit & Strong Workout Plan–it’s basically just 10 minutes a day, and it tells you what to do each day!

Mind Your Gut Health–taking you through why a healthy gut matters, and what to do about it

Unhinge the Binge: An ecourse to help you conquer binge eating

Victory Over Emotional Eating Ecourse–let’s eat for the right reasons!

So check out the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle–because it is a great deal at only $29.97, and it will help you move towards a better relationship with food.

….and it’s only available until Monday at midnight!

But now let’s talk, too: have you noticed this with young people? That they seem to eat to cure boredom? What do you think we can do to cultivate a better relationship between food and our kids? Let’s talk in the comments!

Ask Sheila: My Daughter Wants to Wear PINK Clothes!

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What do you do when your daughter wants to wear a brand name of clothes that you’re uncomfortable with?

Today for our Ask Sheila video we’re featuring a mom who has issues with her 12-year-old who wants to wear Victoria Secret PINK clothing. She asks:

I have a 12 year old stepdaughter who is begging to wear clothing as well as undergarments from Victoria Secret PINK. Currently, our stance is she is not allowed to wear their clothing, nor is she allowed to even shop in the store. My husband actually did initially allow her to wear panties from this store and actually took her and purchased some for her 12th birthday. After further discussion, we decided this was not a great decision and have not allowed additional purchases from VS PINK or allowed her to shop there. I struggle with allowing a 12 year old to patron a store that sells sex. However she doesn’t understand this mentality claiming all of her friends shop there and wear their stuff. While I agree that much of their stuff is appropriate, I struggle with the image it creates. Please help! Are we being overly protective? Should we ease up on the rule of allowing her to shop at this store or wear this brand’s age appropriate products? I am mentally exhausted from the drama this is creating in our home.

Great question! My own daughters were both home last week since we were heading to Burlington to film some videos for The Whole Story, our puberty course that moms can share with their daughters, and–COMING SOON–that dads (or single moms) can share with their sons. We got TV personality Sheldon Neil to film the boys’ version for us, and we were filming some videos altogether. That will be launching October 16 (so excited!), but in the meantime, the girls have been home more than usual.

So I asked them to help me answer this question!

Honestly, I do think that a clothing allowance is the answer to a lot of this, and I’ll be reposting my blog post on how to do a clothing allowance well for your kids later this week.

In the meantime, here’s another post on clothing choices (with a handy checklist at the bottom) that you can use when talking to your girls about this sort of thing:

Choosing Clothing Standards for Kids: What to do when your daughter wants to wear Victoria Secret PINK

But now, let me know: what do you think of Victoria Secret PINK? How do you make these decisions with your kids? Let’s talk in the comments!

Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.
Check out Rebecca's book and course:
  • Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
  • The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!




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